I’ll be honest—I’m a wimp. I’m scared of pretty much everything. I’m afraid of being mugged. I’m paranoid about spiders nesting under my skin while I sleep. I’m constantly worried I have food in my front teeth. When driving in certain parts of town, I seriously think that I’m going to be carjacked while I’m waiting at red lights.
But nothing scares me more than potato eyes.
This freaked me out. I had never seen this before, and I refused to touch them. My roommate later threw them away, proclaiming that it wasn’t a big deal. But it was a big deal. What kind of a vegetable wants to grow arms and pluck you from the ground? That’s just creepy.
You may think I’m blowing this out of proportion, but mark my words. One day you’re going to turn on CNN to see a fully-grown potato with all sorts of limbs sprouting from his rotund body. Handcuffs around two of his “eyes,” smoking a cigarette with another one, he’ll be asked by a reporter why he forced his human roommate into the microwave and turned it on high.
“It was either him or me,” the spud will respond. “No skin off my back.”
(Potatoes are quick with a pun.)
Along the same lines of potato eyes is mold. Mold really freaks me out, particularly when I’m about to eat something that’s moldy (cheese, sour cream, salsa, bread, etc.) or have just eaten something moldy. It’s just that mold looks so otherworldly. Check out this fine delicacy that was extracted from my old company’s fridge a month ago:
Does that look like it was born and bred on American soil? Hell no. It looks like it oozed out of an asteroid crater and immediately mimicked its first sight on earth, a grassy knoll. This thing is seriously intelligent—look how those tendrils creeped out from under the impenetrable Rubbermaid seal in search of unsuspecting victims! We couldn’t even figure out what kind of food was in the container before the mold set in.
So there you have it, my two greatest fears: Potato eyes and mold. They will be my undoing.
Tomorrow:
There Will Be Popcorn
You are apparently my soul mate. I noticed someone typed in “fear of potato eyes” into google to get to my blog so I typed it in myself. Until now, I thought I was alone in this fear.
Oh no, you’re not alone in this fear. I’ve never seen you at the SEP (Spud Eye Phobia) convention–maybe I’ll see you in Tampa this year.
My g/f is terrified of the eyes and even more so once they become long roots… She runs screaming! She says they’re like creatures… There should be a name for it.
Yep. At some point I coined the phrase “spudopticaphobia.” That’s the term I’ve been using. It’s horrifying.
I’m so happy that there are other people with this fear! My family and friends think I’m insane and a weirdo for thinking that potato eyes are so gross, but now I know I’m not alone (ugh, who else is just getting the heebee-jeebees just thinking about them?!)
Oh, major heebee-jeebees. I think people without spudopticaphobia think it’s just a big joke. It’s not. It’s not funny when people put potatoes with eyes on my desk at work (but they think it is!) They’re the creepiest thing ever.
Wow i’m surprised Jamey. I love the spuds with tentacles. I love to put the potatoe in half a cup of water and i like to see it sprout. That’s what it’s called btw…sprouting…you know the same thing that beans do when you put them in dirt. Yep…go figure. Something that is organic and a plant actually grows. It’s also like when a person dies their nails and hair continue to grow. Same difference.
As for the mold…..not scared of it either. Grossed out maybe, but not scared. I like that nature has a way of telling us when something is bad to eat…thus mold. Bacteria have feelings too y’know…lol. Just kidding. I don’t mean to mock….much.
Correction…I should have said fungus and not bacteria. I don’t think they are one in the same.
Those eyes haunt my dreams, Dionne. They haunt my dreams.
[...] this a common fear? Or are spudopticaphobia and dinner-roll-open-ophobia more [...]
[...] you share this fear? How about my other greatest fears: spudopticaphobia, dinner-roll-open-ophobia, and [...]
ahh im so happy! other people are afraid of these! they always make me cry and my hearts sinks and there just… awful. hate it hate it hate it. its like watching a potato give birth or something… its growing!! its like a disease! like ringworm of potatos!! ahhhh!!
I also used to think I was the only one, until I wrote this blog entry. “Like watching a potato give birth”…to evil.
Have you seen my other greatest fears? Maybe there are some other matches: http://jameystegmaier.com/humor-2/superlatives/ (scroll down)
Oh my gollies. I hate potatoes with eyes or roots. My mother told me to throw out her potatoes when I was a teenager and my friend was over and I opened the cupboard and screamed and cried like a baby infront of my friend and backed up because that is how terrified I am of them. Ahh just thinking of them creaps me out I was searching the net to figure out the correct name for the phobia when I came across this
I’m amazed and how many people share this phobia. I have the same reaction when I see potato eyes…man they’re creepy.