The Caroline Vault: Dilution

Jamey has to dilute pretty much everything he drinks—alcohol, soda, and yes, even the drink of choice for toddlers, juice. The first time I saw him do this, I couldn’t believe my eyes…and yet now I’m used to it. Jamey pours himself a glass of juice, adds water (to quote him, it’s “3/5 juice, 2/5 water”), and drinks it as if it didn’t taste like orange sweat. I never try and fix any of his beverages myself: One, due to his exact specifications, and two, I still have my dignity.

The kicker came last night, though. Jamey, after enjoying what looked like a particularly delicious pulled barbecue pork dinner drenched in barbecue sauce, emptied a hearty portion of the meat—still glistening with sweet, savory sauce, mind you—into a strainer in the sink, and proceeded to wash the meat and wring it out for the next five minutes.

Even meat isn’t safe from Jamey’s dilution standards. What’s next? Bread? Chocolate? Cats?

I’m no scientist, but I think Jamey needs his taste buds examined. Something is seriously WAY off.

[Jamey: Everything Caroline says is true. However, I feel this needs justifying. A long time ago, I followed in my father’s footsteps and started diluting juice. After that, straight up juice doesn’t taste good—it has the consistency of syrup. Same with coke. And excuse me if I’d rather sip a buttery nipple shot than take it all at once—those things are liquid candy!

As for the meat, the sauce provide with the meat was really too much. It was getting in the way of the meat. So I strained it, poured a small amount of Salt Lick BBQ sauce on top, and saved it for lunch the next day. It made for an excellent sandwich, thank you very much.]