A Few Things Every TV Character Should Know

(Warning: If you have not watched the February 14 episode of Lost, do not read this entry. Ever. Unless you don’t care about Lost.)

Last week’s incredible episode of Lost was followed up by another great episode. I hope you all are starting to see that the island moves through time at the very least, and almost definitely through space as well.

Oddly enough, last week’s preview revealed that one more member of the Oceanic 6 would be revealed today, not three. The one is definitely Sayid. But what about Desmond and Ben? Desmond…well, I’m guessing that he gets off the island, but something happens to prevent him from being one of the 6. I have a feeling that Ben is most definitely not one of the 6. As you can see by all the foreign money and passport’s in Ben’s secret chamber, that guy has another way off the island. He also has an agenda off the island, which he has convinced Future Sayid to be that they’re protecting their stranded friends on the island from the baddies. I kind of wish we could know Ben’s true agenda for once, but that may be something we’ll have to wait much longer to find out.

Other Lost news if you haven’t heard: The producers are going to shoot 5 more epidodes to air for May sweeps. They’re basically going to cram 8 episodes worth of material into those 5 episodes, which is fine with me, because (a) that means more fast-paced episodes like last week and this week, and (b) it means that the producers had a pretty cool season finale planned after the break (possibly with another great reveal), and they’re going to accelerate the plot to catch up with that finale. Well done.

All of this aside, I feel like I need to give TV characters some tips. They make the same mistakes over and over again, and it’s like they don’t realize that they’re on TV. Everybody’s watching you, dude! Don’t walk into the scary forest with your hot virgin girlfriend, because you’re both going to die. Seriously.

So here are some tips from tonight’s episode:

1. If you find a secret door, close it behind you. This should be obvious now, for a variety of reasons. If you leave the door open, not only do you leave your back to a truly conspicuous entrance that will attract attention, but you’re backing yourself in a corner. Also, if the thing you find in the room is valuable, why would you want anyone else to know about it? Keep it to yourself until you have a plan. Close the damn door.
2. If you don’t want to shoot to kill, don’t turn your back on the victim before securing them. Again, seriously. I understand that you have to make a phone call. But just tie up your victim with some string and duct tape before walking away. You could learn this by watching Austin Powers.
3. Don’t forget to buy your girl flowers on Valentine’s Day. No wonder Kate ends up with Sawyer instead of Jack.

So that’s my advice. Stick to it. Happy Valentine’s Day, and I’ll be back in a few days with the next in my series about redefining the future of electronic communication, as well as some thoughts about drinking your own urine.