My Greatest Fear: Part 2

I’ve already discussed my first greatest fear: potato eyes. I haven’t conquered that fear. In fact, at this very moment, there’s a bag of potatoes in my fridge that may or may not be trying to kill me. I don’t know. I’m afraid to touch the bag, lest it reach out and grab me, so all I’ve done for the last month is nudge it further towards the back of the fridge with the edge of a carton of juice.

So while the potatoes plot their revenge, I have other fears to worry about. The fear I mention today is not to be taken lightly. It has caused my heart to miss many a beat. The fear?
Opening canisters of Pillsbury dinner rolls.
Oh yeah. Big time fear. Maybe you know what I’m talking about. To open one of these canisters, you unravel the thin cardboard sheath until a hidden line is exposed. Then you’re supposed to press on that line with your finger or a spoon until, basically, the canister explodes (I won’t go into the physics of it, but there’s a surprisingly large amount of gunpowder inside of each of these canisters).
I am never on edge more than in the waning moments before a dinner roll container is about to pop. I usually keep it at arm’s length, my eyes closed, every muscle in my body tensed for the impact. Sometimes, not always, I let out a little scream when it finally pops. Then a sigh of relief.
The worst thing about it is that you don’t know when it’s going to pop. When you’re opening a can of soup, you know exactly when it’s going to open. There’s no surprise. But with these dinner rolls, you just keep pushing until a little bit of air escapes. It could happen at any time. I once spent an entire evening slowly pushing down on the hidden line. Eventually I just gave up and cooked rice. I couldn’t take it any more.
Special Note: I’ve decided to field questions from readers in some of next week’s entries. If you have any questions for me–literally anything–send them to me at jamey.stegmaier@gmail.com or post them on the comment board (prefaced by “Question:” so I know it’s a question you want answered). If I don’t get any questions, I’m going to make them up and pretend that readers sent them in. I already have a few backups from “Julie S. in Topeka.”