Newsflash: Local Man Tries to Grow "Cool" Beard, Fails

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — Over the long MLK weekend, Central West End resident Jamey Stegmaier tried to grow a beard. After 3 days of not shaving, with no visible results, Stegmaier gave up.

“Everybody else has one of those stupid beards,” he said to reporters gathered outside his condo. “I thought, you know, how hard could it be to get a little stubble?”jamey-glum1

When informed that he looked like white trash, Stegmaier became belligerent and had to be restrained by two little girls, who easily pinned him against the wall. They let him go after a brief taunting session.

“Listen,” Stegmaier said, examining the bruises on his puny arms. “I wanted a cool beard trimmed short like everybody else. But I can’t do it. My facial hair grows in patches, and it doesn’t fill in. It just doesn’t work.”

Stegmaier cited Stifler as the catalyst for the stubble beard fad.

“Damn Stifler,” he commented.

Weak and exhausted from the press conference, Stegmaier limped back to his condo on what onlookers described as “really girlie legs.”

Copyright 2009 The Ass Press.