10 Ways to Have the Best Halloween Ever

Earmuffs, ladies. It’s time for guy talk. Here are 8 simple ways to have the best Halloween ever.

  1. Don’t host a Halloween party. Everybody hosts parties on Halloween. All you’re doing by hosting a party is adding one more obligation to your friends’ busy schedules.
  2. Don’t go trick-or-treating. Seriously. You’re an adult. Just go buy some candy.
  3. If you go to a bar, go to one that plays music at a reasonable level. Halloween costumes make for great banter. Do you really want to be shouting over “Poker Face” when you’re trying to chat with the girl in the Megan Fox costume?


    Megan Fox

    Will you see this costume on the 31st?

  4. Wear a costume. Don’t be the dude who refuses to wear a costume. It’s not funny or ironic or whatever you think it is. If you’re struggling to think of something interesting, get a group costume together with a bunch of friends. Last year my buddies and I went as Top Gun wingmen. (Wingmen! Get it? Get it?) A few years ago I organized a group of a dozen Greek “gods and goddesses” in togas. These costumes are not difficult, and doing it together with other people makes it a lot of fun.
  5. Wear a touchable costume. If you’ve ever gone out to a bar or club and wished that women’s hands were all over you (but weren’t), here’s your chance to remedy that. Construct your costume around that premise.
  6. Don’t wear makeup. Sure, your vampire costume is elaborate and completely original (not really). But if you’re a single guy, no woman is going to want to do anything with you beyond take a photo or two.
  7. Don’t wear a mask. Masks are just creepy. Don’t do it.
  8. Realize that you have the easiest opening line ever. “So, what are you supposed to be?” The key: Don’t overuse it. If it’s perfectly clear that the woman you want to talk to is dressed like a cat, don’t ask her what she is. Just tell her you like her costume. Great follow up line of conversation: Ask her what her favorite costume she ever wore is, and follow up by asking about other costumes she’s worn.
  9. Don’t insult a woman’s costume. Most women who dress up on Halloween really care about the costume they put together. Again, tell them you like it.
  10. Hold your bottled beer with your left hand. There’s a theory behind this.

I’m undecided as to where I stand on guys dressing as girls on Halloween. Women seem to get a kick out of it, but I’ve never been a fan of the idea. Just seems kind of weird. If you want to wear a bra, do so on your own time. No judgment. (Okay, maybe a little judgment, but minimal.)

What am I missing? There’s only one day left before Halloween, so post now.

PS. Women: I suggest following these rules as well. Except for 8. I don’t think guys like to explain their costumes. If you understand what they’re wearing, approach them; if not, there are other ghosts in the graveyard.

PPS. Not-Single Guys: Most of these rules still apply to you–if you’re not with your significant other, you can still have fun on Halloween–everybody’s just a big kid on Halloween anyway. If you’re with your girlfriend, try a couples costume.