Comments on: Confession #8 http://jameystegmaier.com/2009/12/confession-8/ Tue, 22 May 2012 17:34:47 +0000 hourly 1 By: Confession #13: The Freeze – jameystegmaier.com http://jameystegmaier.com/2009/12/confession-8/#comment-3080 Confession #13: The Freeze – jameystegmaier.com Wed, 21 Apr 2010 05:17:58 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=1687#comment-3080 [...] now been intentionally single for 6 months. 6 months! How did that happen? My deadline was April 1, so I guess now I’m just [...] [...] now been intentionally single for 6 months. 6 months! How did that happen? My deadline was April 1, so I guess now I’m just [...]

]]> By: Confession #9: The Wandering Eye « Jamey Stegmaier's Blog http://jameystegmaier.com/2009/12/confession-8/#comment-1887 Confession #9: The Wandering Eye « Jamey Stegmaier's Blog Mon, 11 Jan 2010 03:17:56 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=1687#comment-1887 [...] of this comes back to me being intentionally single. There’s simply no alternative with my wandering eye. I don’t like being a jerk to [...] [...] of this comes back to me being intentionally single. There’s simply no alternative with my wandering eye. I don’t like being a jerk to [...]

]]> By: Harley May http://jameystegmaier.com/2009/12/confession-8/#comment-1886 Harley May Thu, 07 Jan 2010 02:05:16 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=1687#comment-1886 [...] on what I want in a woman (which garnered a huge number of comments) and the other about why I’m choosing to be single for a while. Harley and I discussed those entries in regards to my fears and concerns about marriage, and she [...] [...] on what I want in a woman (which garnered a huge number of comments) and the other about why I’m choosing to be single for a while. Harley and I discussed those entries in regards to my fears and concerns about marriage, and she [...]

]]> By: jameystegmaier http://jameystegmaier.com/2009/12/confession-8/#comment-1885 jameystegmaier Mon, 04 Jan 2010 01:13:51 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=1687#comment-1885 Well, I like reading what you have to write about this topic. I'm doing a Mars vs. Venus entry on friendship/dating tomorrow--I'm sure you'll have something interesting and insightful to share :). Good luck to you on your journey as well! Well, I like reading what you have to write about this topic. I’m doing a Mars vs. Venus entry on friendship/dating tomorrow–I’m sure you’ll have something interesting and insightful to share :) .

Good luck to you on your journey as well!

]]> By: Lisa http://jameystegmaier.com/2009/12/confession-8/#comment-1884 Lisa Mon, 04 Jan 2010 00:23:49 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=1687#comment-1884 Dionne - Thanks for sharing your details... your introspective path to self-improvement sounds like a great place to be. Good luck on your ongoing journey :) Jamey - I would say I have the opposite problem... deadlines make things too "easy" for me, as creating solid rules are my natural way to avoid ambiguity. I'm doing well by exploring my ambiguity in a way contrary to my personality; you and I are on similar, but slightly different tracks right now. I will certainly keep it in mind and continually reevaluate as I go. As to blogging - thank you for the compliment. Respectfully, blogging about this is not for me right now, I'm more of a reader and responder than a writer. But I'll be sure to post here if I have any thoughts on your topics, and if I ever get one up & running I'll let you know. And good luck to you & your journey as well! Dionne – Thanks for sharing your details… your introspective path to self-improvement sounds like a great place to be. Good luck on your ongoing journey :)

Jamey – I would say I have the opposite problem… deadlines make things too “easy” for me, as creating solid rules are my natural way to avoid ambiguity. I’m doing well by exploring my ambiguity in a way contrary to my personality; you and I are on similar, but slightly different tracks right now. I will certainly keep it in mind and continually reevaluate as I go.

As to blogging – thank you for the compliment. Respectfully, blogging about this is not for me right now, I’m more of a reader and responder than a writer. But I’ll be sure to post here if I have any thoughts on your topics, and if I ever get one up & running I’ll let you know. And good luck to you & your journey as well!

]]> By: Dionne http://jameystegmaier.com/2009/12/confession-8/#comment-1883 Dionne Thu, 31 Dec 2009 19:33:45 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=1687#comment-1883 Some days are better than others (Fortunately more good days than bad) when it comes to being content with where I am at in life. I've accomplished so much as a single woman and I am very proud of those achievements. Sadly I always wished I could have a S.O. in which to share in that joy with. Mostly the joy of motherhood is what I am longing for more than a relationship, but my plan is to have the latter before the former. I have come a long way in terms of contentment with single-hood now that I'm in my 30's, but I am far from having "arrived". I know it is always a journey and it will never end. Looking back I was more of an emotional mess in my 20's and thank God I never had a serious, long term relationship back then because I'm sure I would be married and miserable by now and probably on my way to a divorce. I do have someone waiting in the "wings" for me, so to speak, but I'm on a wait-and-see plan right now. He and I won't be living in the same city until around May of 2010 so I'm reserving all feelings until we are, at least, in the same place so I can explore how I really feel about him (we have known each other since I was 16 and he was 20 and I just found out he's been holding a torch for me all these years). What I don't want to do is over-analyze the situation and try to rush any feelings I might have for him. Staying patient and being content while in the moment is a welcomed challenge. Some days are better than others (Fortunately more good days than bad) when it comes to being content with where I am at in life. I’ve accomplished so much as a single woman and I am very proud of those achievements. Sadly I always wished I could have a S.O. in which to share in that joy with. Mostly the joy of motherhood is what I am longing for more than a relationship, but my plan is to have the latter before the former. I have come a long way in terms of contentment with single-hood now that I’m in my 30′s, but I am far from having “arrived”. I know it is always a journey and it will never end. Looking back I was more of an emotional mess in my 20′s and thank God I never had a serious, long term relationship back then because I’m sure I would be married and miserable by now and probably on my way to a divorce.

I do have someone waiting in the “wings” for me, so to speak, but I’m on a wait-and-see plan right now. He and I won’t be living in the same city until around May of 2010 so I’m reserving all feelings until we are, at least, in the same place so I can explore how I really feel about him (we have known each other since I was 16 and he was 20 and I just found out he’s been holding a torch for me all these years). What I don’t want to do is over-analyze the situation and try to rush any feelings I might have for him. Staying patient and being content while in the moment is a welcomed challenge.

]]> By: jameystegmaier http://jameystegmaier.com/2009/12/confession-8/#comment-1882 jameystegmaier Thu, 31 Dec 2009 17:22:02 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=1687#comment-1882 Have you thought about setting a deadline? I've found it very freeing. My hope is that it helped a few women who were interested not take my decision personally. That's cool that your realization was more gradual than sudden (I like the comparison to Sex in the City--real life can't be wrapped up into tidy 30-minute episodes!) Despite my deadline, I'm on the same page as you when it comes to an eventual happy and healthy relationship. I'm just in no rush. I do feel myself growing older--I'll soon be 29, and more and more gray hairs are starting to invade my otherwise brown locks--but I don't feel like I'm on a tight schedule. Last, I think you make a great point (backed up by empirical evidence) that we will find that special someone. I like to think that learning how to be happily single will be the best present in the world for our future spouse (and for ourselves). You write well on this topic, Lisa--do you also keep a blog? I know that I'd read it, as would many of my readers. Have you thought about setting a deadline? I’ve found it very freeing. My hope is that it helped a few women who were interested not take my decision personally.

That’s cool that your realization was more gradual than sudden (I like the comparison to Sex in the City–real life can’t be wrapped up into tidy 30-minute episodes!)

Despite my deadline, I’m on the same page as you when it comes to an eventual happy and healthy relationship. I’m just in no rush. I do feel myself growing older–I’ll soon be 29, and more and more gray hairs are starting to invade my otherwise brown locks–but I don’t feel like I’m on a tight schedule.

Last, I think you make a great point (backed up by empirical evidence) that we will find that special someone. I like to think that learning how to be happily single will be the best present in the world for our future spouse (and for ourselves).

You write well on this topic, Lisa–do you also keep a blog? I know that I’d read it, as would many of my readers.

]]> By: Lisa http://jameystegmaier.com/2009/12/confession-8/#comment-1881 Lisa Thu, 31 Dec 2009 16:54:19 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=1687#comment-1881 It's a great book for gaining not only perspective but statistics to "fend off" societal pressures. I can't find the stats I was referring to above at the moment, but even his website has some great information (and a blog!): http://www.urbantribes.net/ For me the lesson learned (corny as it sounds is easy to forget) was just to enjoy wherever you are in life the most you can. I know a lot of my married-early friends who, whether happily or unhappily married, sort of wish they had had a few years to do or try some things (the grass is always greener...). The point made in the book was that if someone gave us a guarantee that we would eventually find that "someone," many of us would act differently & enjoy ourselves more... when in fact, statistically, that is the case for almost everyone. It’s a great book for gaining not only perspective but statistics to “fend off” societal pressures. I can’t find the stats I was referring to above at the moment, but even his website has some great information (and a blog!):

http://www.urbantribes.net/

For me the lesson learned (corny as it sounds is easy to forget) was just to enjoy wherever you are in life the most you can. I know a lot of my married-early friends who, whether happily or unhappily married, sort of wish they had had a few years to do or try some things (the grass is always greener…). The point made in the book was that if someone gave us a guarantee that we would eventually find that “someone,” many of us would act differently & enjoy ourselves more… when in fact, statistically, that is the case for almost everyone.

]]> By: Dionne http://jameystegmaier.com/2009/12/confession-8/#comment-1880 Dionne Thu, 31 Dec 2009 15:14:24 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=1687#comment-1880 That sounds like an awesome book. I'll have to check it out (btw, I am one of those people who are afraid of never marrying. I'm already 32). That sounds like an awesome book. I’ll have to check it out (btw, I am one of those people who are afraid of never marrying. I’m already 32).

]]> By: Lisa http://jameystegmaier.com/2009/12/confession-8/#comment-1879 Lisa Thu, 31 Dec 2009 06:05:53 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=1687#comment-1879 A combination of your suggestions. This may sound strange, but the reason I did this was for a change, because I like to keep trying new things, different things, shaking things up. It wasn't quite as respectable as setting a deadline (I really respect that, BTW), and I didn't even tell anyone explicitly that I was going to do it. There was no bad breakup... no Sex and the City episode... no persuasive friend or intervention... not any catalyst really. It was a gradual realization over the course of a few weeks. I met some good guys who I knew weren't a good fit for me, and decided to relatively spontaneously (respectfully, of course) not date them, when I would have given it a shot before... and I felt better about it. To be clear, I've turned down dates when they were a non-fit, but this... felt like I just wasn't following my instinct well enough before. So it just kind of clicked. And it felt right (uncomfortable, but right). I kept doing it, and it took less than a week to realize how much I enjoy doing things by myself for myself that I don't have to report back to anyone about. And I've learned more about myself (and the eventual freedom that I need to do "my thing" in a relationship) and am overall a better person for it. And improving continually. That is the (long-winded) response to your question. To reiterate, I am interested in having a healthy and happy relationship when it comes along, and I'm not "not looking." I'm just happier being who I am right now, and my alone time is more fun when I appreciate it. I read a book a few years ago that comes to mind, called Urban Tribes, about (in short) how our generation is generally marrying older as they form "city families" instead. One section that stuck with me was about how most single people are worried they won't find someone, but almost everyone does. I wish I remembered the statistics now. Anyway, of people who marry later in life, I don't know anyone who says "I only wish I had gotten married younger." I have, however, heard people who wish they had appreciated their time single. Just trying to take the advice of my wise elders :) A combination of your suggestions. This may sound strange, but the reason I did this was for a change, because I like to keep trying new things, different things, shaking things up. It wasn’t quite as respectable as setting a deadline (I really respect that, BTW), and I didn’t even tell anyone explicitly that I was going to do it. There was no bad breakup… no Sex and the City episode… no persuasive friend or intervention… not any catalyst really. It was a gradual realization over the course of a few weeks. I met some good guys who I knew weren’t a good fit for me, and decided to relatively spontaneously (respectfully, of course) not date them, when I would have given it a shot before… and I felt better about it. To be clear, I’ve turned down dates when they were a non-fit, but this… felt like I just wasn’t following my instinct well enough before. So it just kind of clicked. And it felt right (uncomfortable, but right). I kept doing it, and it took less than a week to realize how much I enjoy doing things by myself for myself that I don’t have to report back to anyone about. And I’ve learned more about myself (and the eventual freedom that I need to do “my thing” in a relationship) and am overall a better person for it. And improving continually.

That is the (long-winded) response to your question. To reiterate, I am interested in having a healthy and happy relationship when it comes along, and I’m not “not looking.” I’m just happier being who I am right now, and my alone time is more fun when I appreciate it. I read a book a few years ago that comes to mind, called Urban Tribes, about (in short) how our generation is generally marrying older as they form “city families” instead. One section that stuck with me was about how most single people are worried they won’t find someone, but almost everyone does. I wish I remembered the statistics now. Anyway, of people who marry later in life, I don’t know anyone who says “I only wish I had gotten married younger.” I have, however, heard people who wish they had appreciated their time single. Just trying to take the advice of my wise elders :)

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