Pet Please #13: Finding Your Chapstick

I’m gearing up for my annual Festivus party, at which many a grievance will be raised, so I thought it might be a good time to balance the negativity with a positive pet please.

I carry exactly four things in my pockets all day: phone and chapstick in my left pocket, wallet and keys in my right. I put all those items in my pants at the same time, and I remove them at the same time. At least, that’s what’s supposed to happen.

What actually happens is that I remove my wallet and keys and cell phone, and I forget about the chapstick. I hang up my pants, and hours later I need to unchap my lips, but I can’t find my chapstick.

Do you ever have that moment of panic that you lost your chapstick? It could be anywhere–bed, couch, pushed under the bed or couch by the cat. But the first place I always check is my pants, which are now hanging upside down in the closet.

If the laws of physics affected chapstick, it would fall out of your pants and roll to some dark corner of the closet. But somehow, miraculously, it doesn’t. What an amazing feeling of relief when you find that precious plastic stick in your pocket where you left it, defying gravity, ready to moisten your lips.

A toast to finding your chapstick in your pants. Such an amazing feeling.

All other pet pleases can be found on the bottom half of this page.