The Top 10 Festivus Grievances of 2009

The day has come.

My good friend Bryce, one of the funniest people I know, has ranked the top 10 Festivus grievances of 2009. Agree? Disagree? That’s what the comments section is for. (A little hubris: #1 and #5 are mine.)

10. The white crusties milk bottles leave in the fridge.

9. People who just have to answer their text messages while you’re talking to them, and are compelled to continue to reply during the rest of your conversation. Especially if you’re on a date.

8. Movies where the director thinks shaking the camera and deafening the audience with loud, distracting music means his movie is exciting and action-packed. You’re asses, Jerry Bruckheimer and Tony Scott.

7. Phantom cell phone vibrations against my thigh, getting me all excited about a call, but it’s just a glitch.

6. Gabby keeps altering my grievances gender.

5. Kate Gosselin’s hair. And the very fact that I know what Kate Gosselin’s hair looks like.

4. Global warming. Where you at? It’s effing freezing outside.

3. Gross overuse of the phrase, “What happens in _____ stays in _____,” as in, “What happens in the barn out back stays in the barn out back.” Yeah, I get it. You’re not very creative, and you’re kind of a slut.

2. Bank overdraft fees…if I didn’t have the $4.54  in my account for the Starbucks drink, do you really think I have the extra $30 to cover your fee?

1. That I didn’t think of this Chuck Norris line 3 years ago when Chuck Norris lines were cool (I just thought of this last night): “Chuck Norris goes to the hospital when his erection doesn’t last 4 hours.”

Happy Festivus to all!

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