I will refer to things that happened to me in ‘Nam and ’73 with a wistful tone even though I wasn’t born until 1981.

I will pretend to know everything about wine (I barely drink wine).

I will misuse and mispronounce many words.

I will get more and more calm as you get more and more angry.

I will punctuate arguments with sudden nudity.

I will sometimes put my finger in your mouth as you try to complete a yawn.

I will interrupt sexy or deep conversations with inappropriate humor–I am always playful.

I will compare fancy dinners to meals that I had decades ago in exotic cities I’ve never been to.

I will, at times, refer to myself as “Papa.”

I will dote on my cat just as much, if not more, than I dote on you.

I will pretend to throw a temper tantrum for comical effect by kicking my legs really hard.

I will eat an entire bag of popcorn after a night of drinking.

I will want you to turn off the lights and put your palm on my forehead when I get a migraine.

I will not allow Cheetos in the house.

I will pee and poop with the bathroom door open.

I will be unnaturally curious about what you’re doing in the bathroom when you close the door.

I will pluck rogue hairs from your body when you’re not looking.

I will put my hand on your knee when I’m driving, and I’d like the same from you.

I will do lunges when I’m naked.