Comments on: The Chase Theory http://jameystegmaier.com/2010/02/the-chase-principle/ Wed, 08 Feb 2012 16:09:23 +0000 hourly 1 By: Is It Okay to Ask for Her Total? – jameystegmaier.com http://jameystegmaier.com/2010/02/the-chase-principle/#comment-2751 Is It Okay to Ask for Her Total? – jameystegmaier.com Tue, 16 Mar 2010 02:33:43 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=2011#comment-2751 [...] it? Also, if you end up writing a blog entry about this (which happened several times following the “Can Guys and Girls Be Friends” entry), let me know and I’ll link to it [...] [...] it? Also, if you end up writing a blog entry about this (which happened several times following the “Can Guys and Girls Be Friends” entry), let me know and I’ll link to it [...]

]]> By: Jay http://jameystegmaier.com/2010/02/the-chase-principle/#comment-2639 Jay Wed, 03 Mar 2010 02:22:31 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=2011#comment-2639 Better late than never. Some of my best friends over the years have been women, and still are. This is especially true of those I meet at work. Maybe the workplace taboo against romantic involvement helps, maybe I'm not attractive and that doesn't matter to women who see me as a good listener and understanding and caring friend, maybe they just feel sorry for me for some reason and humor me. Whatever. These friends seem to be strong, competent, and widely respected by their peers, and I like surrounding myself with people whose competence I respect, regardless of gender. A characteristic I share with most of these friends is involvement in, and commitment to, a long term, stable, valued marital relationship. Better late than never. Some of my best friends over the years have been women, and still are. This is especially true of those I meet at work. Maybe the workplace taboo against romantic involvement helps, maybe I’m not attractive and that doesn’t matter to women who see me as a good listener and understanding and caring friend, maybe they just feel sorry for me for some reason and humor me. Whatever. These friends seem to be strong, competent, and widely respected by their peers, and I like surrounding myself with people whose competence I respect, regardless of gender. A characteristic I share with most of these friends is involvement in, and commitment to, a long term, stable, valued marital relationship.

]]> By: Sarah http://jameystegmaier.com/2010/02/the-chase-principle/#comment-2631 Sarah Tue, 02 Mar 2010 16:21:04 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=2011#comment-2631 Sorry, I keep spelling your name wrong! Jamey... not Jamie. Duh! :) Sorry, I keep spelling your name wrong! Jamey… not Jamie. Duh! :)

]]> By: Sarah http://jameystegmaier.com/2010/02/the-chase-principle/#comment-2630 Sarah Tue, 02 Mar 2010 16:18:33 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=2011#comment-2630 Haha, Jamie, I cannot speak for my friend but I honestly think he doesn't want to kiss me (ack!! :)). We once had a conversation about how he tends to see women as sisters pretty much all the time. He said he could live with an entire community of nuns and never think twice about it. In his case, it seems he is in love with his wife and only her. The only reason he didn't go through with the priesthood is because she showed up. In other words, in spite of having plenty of female friends, no other girl inspired him to leave his thoughts of the priesthood except her. I do agree that being "like" siblings and siblings is different but it's also the premise of most religious communities (I should clarify here that my friend not only wanted to be a priest, but a monk... so he would have been living with "brothers" for the rest of his life. So he was also already "trained" in this kind of thinking). I once read a fascinating article on how American culture has lost the art of platonic love... we seem inept at forming these sibling-like relationships among friends whereas other cultures and other time periods it seemed more common. I think I "get" more of what that author was saying after having formed this friendship. It's possible my buddy is just uniquely gifted/practiced at that way of relating! I do agree though that there are many many (if not most) opposite sex friendships that are just unrealistic. Haha, Jamie, I cannot speak for my friend but I honestly think he doesn’t want to kiss me (ack!! :) ). We once had a conversation about how he tends to see women as sisters pretty much all the time. He said he could live with an entire community of nuns and never think twice about it. In his case, it seems he is in love with his wife and only her. The only reason he didn’t go through with the priesthood is because she showed up. In other words, in spite of having plenty of female friends, no other girl inspired him to leave his thoughts of the priesthood except her.

I do agree that being “like” siblings and siblings is different but it’s also the premise of most religious communities (I should clarify here that my friend not only wanted to be a priest, but a monk… so he would have been living with “brothers” for the rest of his life. So he was also already “trained” in this kind of thinking). I once read a fascinating article on how American culture has lost the art of platonic love… we seem inept at forming these sibling-like relationships among friends whereas other cultures and other time periods it seemed more common. I think I “get” more of what that author was saying after having formed this friendship. It’s possible my buddy is just uniquely gifted/practiced at that way of relating!

I do agree though that there are many many (if not most) opposite sex friendships that are just unrealistic.

]]> By: Jamey Stegmaier http://jameystegmaier.com/2010/02/the-chase-principle/#comment-2552 Jamey Stegmaier Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:21:50 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=2011#comment-2552 I didn't know that :) I didn’t know that :)

]]> By: Lori http://jameystegmaier.com/2010/02/the-chase-principle/#comment-2551 Lori Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:16:21 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=2011#comment-2551 You're aware that Oscar Wilde was gay, yes? You’re aware that Oscar Wilde was gay, yes?

]]> By: Jamey Stegmaier http://jameystegmaier.com/2010/02/the-chase-principle/#comment-2541 Jamey Stegmaier Mon, 22 Feb 2010 03:55:18 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=2011#comment-2541 Penelope asks good questions :) See, I've never understood the "friendship is too important to put at risk" thing. I'd rather find the love of my life than just force things to stay at a certain level. No? But I'm glad things worked out. It sounds like you grew in ways that you couldn't have without those other experiences, and now you ended up with the original guy. Best of luck as things progress! Penelope asks good questions :)

See, I’ve never understood the “friendship is too important to put at risk” thing. I’d rather find the love of my life than just force things to stay at a certain level. No?

But I’m glad things worked out. It sounds like you grew in ways that you couldn’t have without those other experiences, and now you ended up with the original guy. Best of luck as things progress!

]]> By: Single Soccer Mom http://jameystegmaier.com/2010/02/the-chase-principle/#comment-2539 Single Soccer Mom Sun, 21 Feb 2010 23:44:14 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=2011#comment-2539 That's too funny, Penelope just asked the same question... For us, it was all about timing. We discussed a "hypothetical situation of being more than friends someday", once, right before I met my ex-husband actually. At that time, our friendship was just too important to put at risk. What if it didn’t work out and then we hated each other? Back then, the risk didn’t equal the potential reward. It all boiled down to the fact that we both needed some time for personal growth. My growth came with becoming a mother and going through a tough relationship/divorce. I learned a lot about myself during the process. For my boyfriend...well, he just needed time to realize that maybe he needed a bit more than his ‘eternal bachelor-lifestyle’ would provide. To be honest, he's still working on that one ;) So, I guess you can say I did "end up" with the guy...but there's no ring on my finger or serious talk of that in the future. That'll probably take us another 10 years to get to that point! ;) That’s too funny, Penelope just asked the same question… For us, it was all about timing.

We discussed a “hypothetical situation of being more than friends someday”, once, right before I met my ex-husband actually. At that time, our friendship was just too important to put at risk. What if it didn’t work out and then we hated each other? Back then, the risk didn’t equal the potential reward.

It all boiled down to the fact that we both needed some time for personal growth. My growth came with becoming a mother and going through a tough relationship/divorce. I learned a lot about myself during the process. For my boyfriend…well, he just needed time to realize that maybe he needed a bit more than his ‘eternal bachelor-lifestyle’ would provide. To be honest, he’s still working on that one ;)

So, I guess you can say I did “end up” with the guy…but there’s no ring on my finger or serious talk of that in the future. That’ll probably take us another 10 years to get to that point! ;)

]]> By: Jamey Stegmaier http://jameystegmaier.com/2010/02/the-chase-principle/#comment-2538 Jamey Stegmaier Sun, 21 Feb 2010 06:31:40 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=2011#comment-2538 Thanks for this perfect example of how "temporary" can mean 10+ years! Did you end up with the guy? Why do you think it took so long to admit you were interested? Thanks for this perfect example of how “temporary” can mean 10+ years! Did you end up with the guy? Why do you think it took so long to admit you were interested?

]]> By: Single Soccer Mom http://jameystegmaier.com/2010/02/the-chase-principle/#comment-2536 Single Soccer Mom Sun, 21 Feb 2010 05:51:49 +0000 http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=2011#comment-2536 It's great to get a man's perspective on this topic! I just commented on Penelope's blog that as much as I hate to admit it, you and Billy Crystal (Harry) are right. It can't be done and I am proof. My best guy friend and I have been friends for 10 years. We've always been close. We were roommates in college, we dated each other's best friends and he was even a brides'man' in my wedding - standing on my side with my two maids-of-honor! Throughout the years, we lived in different cities, we took our turns being indifferent and every now and then one of us would be in a serious relationship. We did our little 'dance,' as we now call it, but never, EVER did we speak about the 'elephant in the room.' That was, until I got divorced. After my divorce, we spent more time together. We were both available and we both finally admitted to ourselves, and each other, that we were interested. Funny that it took one of us being married to figure out how we truly felt about each other all those years. So, as you can see, unfortunately I am proof to your theory. Sorry ladies :( It’s great to get a man’s perspective on this topic! I just commented on Penelope’s blog that as much as I hate to admit it, you and Billy Crystal (Harry) are right. It can’t be done and I am proof.

My best guy friend and I have been friends for 10 years. We’ve always been close. We were roommates in college, we dated each other’s best friends and he was even a brides’man’ in my wedding – standing on my side with my two maids-of-honor!

Throughout the years, we lived in different cities, we took our turns being indifferent and every now and then one of us would be in a serious relationship. We did our little ‘dance,’ as we now call it, but never, EVER did we speak about the ‘elephant in the room.’

That was, until I got divorced. After my divorce, we spent more time together. We were both available and we both finally admitted to ourselves, and each other, that we were interested. Funny that it took one of us being married to figure out how we truly felt about each other all those years.

So, as you can see, unfortunately I am proof to your theory. Sorry ladies :(

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