My Favorite Tweets

On Twitter, you have the capability of saving your favorite tweets. I rarely remember to do this, and when I do, it’s most often something I’ve written that cracks me up or an interesting link I’ve stumbled upon. If you want the full list (especially the cool links, none of which I’ll post here), click here. Here are some highlights of the funny tweets:

  • (in reply to a comment about Section 8 housing–among other topics–being a big topic for discussion on a date) I think so :). Except for Section 8 housing. I barely know what that is. I assume it’s akin to District 9.
  • My loins weep for Pappy’s BBQ. It’s an endorsement. Although I should probably get that checked out.
  • I feel like there are fewer Thin Mints in a roll every year. One year I’m going to open the box to find exactly one cookie in each roll. (and in response to someone saying that the Girl Scouts removed four cookies from each box a few years ago) Who’s taking the cookies out? Is someone opening every box and removing four cookies? I want to talk to this person!
  • (In response to someone asking what to read after they finished the book Middlesex) Maybe Endsex? Or the prequel, Beginningsex? (or Oryx and Crake)
  • I love sweet tea! I would bathe in it if possible. And then shower in normal water afterwards.
  • I despise wedding registries. Really? Do you need a Foodsaver Vacuum Sealer? Really? You need a $200 saute pan?! (followed by…) The Vera Wang peeler is $80 and is made of elephant tusks, unobtainium, and broken dreams. I refuse to buy it.
  • I want to be a Slurpee when I grow up.
  • I have a massive wedgie. I’m also about to go get fitted for a tux. Will the suit store person fix the wedgie? Is that part of their job? (followed by a hilarious suggestion from @AnneRiley) Tell them you demand a wedgie horn, and if they can’t produce one, you’ll take your business elsewhere.
  • (in a discussion about why there aren’t Senior Mints on the shelf next to Junior Mints, and what Senior Mints would look like if they existed) Senior Mints would be dry and crusty on the outside, as if they had been saved by a well-meaning grandparent.
  • I want to open a ninja training center. Not for sly, killer ninjas. For fun, jovial ninjas who will pay $50 monthly fees.
  • From @rainnwilson: I forgot to see ‘Remember Me’.
  • (in a discussion I introduced about which three actors/actresses would play you in a biopic) The actors to play me: Edward Norton (he can play anyone), Joshua Jackson (minus the stubble), and Ving Rhames (similar musculature).
  • “I got a lot of flack after I ate the pig that played ‘Babe'” #30Rock
  • Does anyone else reach a certain point on Sunday when you realize that you’re just not going to take a shower? (followed by…) Ha ha…I’m sure it was. My hair is in no way up to church standards today (see Vatican II, section 3, paragraph IV)
  • From @harleymaywrites: I gave birth to an exhibitionists. Me to Guests: The lasagna is easy. You sautee mushrooms, pep–OH DEAR GOD, WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?
  • Does popcorn, Chinese dumplings, and salad count as a meal? Please say yes.
  • Okay. I’ve decided that my rapper name will be ROI. But I need something clever for the “I” to stand for. (And no, I can’t rap at all.)
  • Has anyone ever cooked a steak, bottomless? I feel manly.
  • (In response to @trishaleighKC asking, “Guess what time it is?!?! I’ll give you a hint: XOXO, Gossip Girl”, I guessed…) Deal or No Deal and Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper reruns.

Note: Many of these Tweets were replies to other people on Twitter. I removed those people from the tweets I listed above, but I’ve relisted them below in case you’re interested in following some funny people on Twitter.