Vegas #2: How to Assimilate in Vegas

I took this photo of the Mirage pool. Note the number of people in the water.

I did not assimilate in Vegas. I didn’t party, I didn’t gamble, I didn’t do anything crazy. The wildest thing I did was drink a mimosa at 10:00 am in the morning (to be fair, that wasn’t my last pre-noon mimosa of the day). I did, however, enjoy the people watching. Here are a few things I learned from the thousands of other people that converged upon Vegas this past weekend with the common desire to indulge. This is your primer on how to assimilate in Vegas.

For Guys

  1. Wear only graphic tees that are several sizes too small. Bonus points if the graphics are off-center and include dragons and paisleys.
  2. Gamble a little bit, just enough for some free drinks and a good story about how you won $50 on a single hand (omit all details about how you were down $200 at the time).
  3. If you’re a little older, you are required to have eerily tan skin. If you’re younger, you must be sunburned as you attempt to prep for a future of orange skin.
  4. Travel in packs. The more meatheads, the better.
  5. If you’re really old, either grow your hair long (extra points for mullets) or gain an extraordinary amount of weight. Make sure to have that look in your eyes that says, “One of these days, I’m going to hit the jackpot.”
  6. You must have a drink in your hand at all times. Inexplicably, the standard rules of manly drinks don’t apply in Vegas. If you want that giant floofy frozen beverage, do it. The guy next to you already has one.
  7. You should have facial stubble—basically, you should always look like you have a hangover, even if you’re still in the process of obtaining said hangover.

For Girls

  1. Find the smallest, skimpiest outfit in your wardrobe. Cut it in half. Put it on and go out to the club. Complain that the club is not as good as other clubs. Rinse and repeat the next day.
  2. You must either have bleached blonde hair or be Asian. All others need not apply.
  3. Your sunglasses must cover at least 75% of your face.
  4. You must have a drink in your hand at all times.
  5. Do not get in the pool. That’s not what the pool is there for. The pool is simply a place for the sunbathing chairs to be positioned around.
  6. Be about 10x more forward with men than you are in real life.
  7. If you’re an older woman, like your male equivalents, you must be extremely tan. Your breasts should not be real, and you should be convinced that this is going to be the best weekend of your life (make sure to say so as often as possible).