A Brief History of Breakups

I’ve had an idea for a blog entry for a while called, “The Break Up: How to Get Out of Concerts and Relationships.” This item has sat on my blog idea list for months now and I haven’t written it, so that says to me that I’m not all that interested in writing about it.

However, I thought it might be interesting to write out the “last lines” of all my dating relationships. So here they are in chronological order, starting way back in 1994. Note that these aren’t exact quotes; they’re just approximations that represent my final statements during the break up. They’ll remain anonymous, obviously.

  1. Can’t we work this out?
  2. Really, the guy in the Hypercolor jacket?
  3. I saw this coming.
  4. I thought we were already broken up.
  5. You’re really just too young for me.
  6. (I think I just stopped talking to this one.)
  7. I’m so glad we’re on the same page.
  8. I hate to do this on the phone, but this has to end now.
  9. Rather than wait 3 months for the inevitable, I’ll save us the trouble and end it now.
  10. I’m confused–you thought we were dating?
  11. Wait, what kind of underwear are you wearing?
  12. You infuriate me beyond words, so I’m just going to stop talking.
  13. You deserve someone who cares about you as much as you care about me.
  14. This is crushing me, but it’s the right thing for both of us.
  15. Oh no, I’m not afraid to break up with you. I just wasn’t finished telling you why.
  16. I genuinely think we’re better off as friends–I cherish your friendship.
  17. You’re awesome, but I just don’t have the time or energy to make this type of commitment to you.

Breakups don’t bring out the best in us, that’s for sure. Some are honest, others tactful and calculating. And some are cruel and heartless. I have a feeling there might be some backlash to this post, but what good is a blog if you don’t bare yourself to the world now and then?