I’m Not That Guy

I’ve read a lot of profiles in my week on Match.com (and OkCupid, thanks to their awesome blog that sucked me in). So far I’ve been “winked” at 36 times on Match, and I usually check out the person’s profile before deciding what to do next. There are a few things I look at right away:

• Photos (I have to be attracted to the woman. I feel like I’m judging a book by its cover, but I want to do things with women that I can’t do with books. Also, it’s a no-no if every photo is a group photo. Crop, people, crop!)
• Height (I’m 5’10″ on a good day, so I prefer women 5’7″ and below)
• Books (I’m a big reader/writer, so what a woman choses to read–and if she reads at all–makes a big difference to me)
• Tagline (people get a sentence or two to draw you in. Do you waste that space or intrigue me?)
• Cats/Smoking (my two true dealbreakers: gotta like cats, gotta hate smoking)

There are other qualifiers and “match” categories, of course, but those are the main things I scan for.

The thing is, there are a lot of women who meet meet those requirements. So the next thing I go to is writing–how did the person word their profile? Do they write it like a text (“Jus’ wanna hunt 4 the luv of my life!!!! :0 ” )? How do they express themselves? Although it’s not really fair to base intelligence on writing ability–I know plenty of very smart people who are terrible writers–writing ability matters to me.

Last, it comes down to: What are we going to do together? It’s a good question, and a lot of women are wise to include little hints in their profile. They’d “love to find a running partner” or “want to travel the world together.”

For me, I’m pretty open minded when it comes to relationship activities. If a woman is really into say, mushroom hunting, and it’s important for me to be there for the first day of the season, I’m there. I’m not going to make it “my thing,” but I’ll be there for it. Because me–I like simple things. I like reading in bed before falling asleep. I like walks in the park. I like playing catch. I like cooking together and watching movies and trying new restaurants. I like going to a foreign city and pretending we live there for a week instead of acting like tourists.

However, I think some women are looking for “that guy.” That guy who will be there running parter or their ballet season-pass buddy. This got me thinking about the kind of guy I’m not, and I thought I’d make a list so it will be official. You can scold me in the comments for not being more flexible.

1. I’m not going to be your running partner. I’ve tried this. Multiple times. I think the key is that I genuinely get nothing out of running long distances, even if it’s supposed to be quality time. I’m a sprinter at heart. The longest distance I ever want to run is 100 meters. That’s not much of a date.
2. I’m not going to be your shopping buddy. I do most of my shopping online because I prefer efficiency and targeting over options and ambiance. I’ll get bored very quickly if you want me to shop with you. The exception is bookstore shopping.
3. I’m not going to be your art museum purveyor. Like my desire to be pretentious about wine, I want to like art museums. I want to talk about the deeper meaning of the art and what the artist meant by it and how it makes me feel. But I just don’t have the heart for it. I’m sorry. History museums are better, but I pretty much enjoy them because they give me ideas for novels.
4. I’m not going to be your musical lover. Sure, I’ll go. But I end up watching the overacting more than anything else. Especially the characters on the sidelines, the extras–oh, they’re so into it! So much pantomiming. It’s actually quite delightful. But people breaking into song? I loved it in 500 Days of Summer, and that’s pretty much it. Give me a good movie any day of the week.
5. Crowds. This one is tougher to describe, but basically, I don’t like crowds. I don’t want to go to the place that everyone else is going–the Soulard Mardi Gras, the Live at the Levee, the Obama speech. I just end up thinking about how I’m going to avoid traffic when I leave. I think some people genuinely love sloshing around in the mud trying to find their friends for an afternoon. I’m just not that guy.
6. I’m not going to be your sports coach. This is a tough one, one that I’ve discussed with male friends who play one-on-one sports with their girlfriends. And like I said, I enjoy playing catch. But if I’m going to pull out my tennis or racquetball racket or my sumo belt, I want you to be on par with me, or at least close. I’m sure you’ve all experienced this, and I definitely don’t mean along gender lines. You play a sport that you’re pretty good at against someone who’s not, and it’s just not fun. It’s like Portugal playing North Korea in the World Cup. No one’s walking away from that feeling good about themselves. However, I will say that it’s very attractive when a woman is on par with me–or even better than me–at a certain sport. That gives us not only a friendly competitive outlet, but some quality time with each other. I like that.
7. I’m not going to be your project. I don’t want someone to treat me as a fixer-upper, a student. I have plenty to learn–we all do–but I want to learn with you, not from you. I’ve noticed that a lot of women learn something about me (like, for example, the thing above about me not liking crowds), and their reaction is, “Oh, we’ll work on that. We’ll get you to do X.” What? Maybe there are guys who like that, but I’m not that guy. I want to be challenged by you, but mostly by example–live your life in an inspiring way, and that’s the best challenge you can offer.

What about you? What types of things are you not “that guy” or “that girl” about?

Daily Quickie: Regan Leigh was so kind as to feature me on her blog today. I was flattered, and she even made me look good. Thanks Regan!