The Legend of T-Mac

Trevor dug this canyon with a plastic spoon.

This past Friday, November 12, marked the birthday of my best friend Trevor (known in the forums as T-Mac). If you’re a longtime reader, you may recall seeing a story about him eating a very old tray of lasagna a while back. It was also for him and his new wife that I gave a recent best-man speech.

As I believe best-man speeches should, my speech was about Trevor and his wife, not just Trevor. But Trevor, a man among men, deserves a speech of his own. To commemorate his 30th birthday, here’s everything you need to know about Trev:

  • Trevor was born on November 12, 1980. He delivered himself from his mother’s womb and gave his father a high-five as he crowned.
  • Trevor learned to fly before he learned to walk; after completing the requisite 130 hours of in-air training, he received his pilot’s license 3 days before his 2nd birthday. He became the first person under 2 to moon Mount Rushmore while piloting a commercial flight.
  • Trevor invented the semicolon (that’s why I used it in the above sentence).
  • At age 5, Trevor rewrote Moby Dick from the perspective of the whale. It became a national bestseller seconds after he completed the first draft.
  • At age 7, Trevor traveled to the future using a time machine he made with glue and toothpicks to save the world from the spider monkey blight of 2087. He returned to 1988 with a great recipe for apple crumb cake that he learned from his future self.
  • Trevor hit puberty at age 8 and had a full beard by sixth grade (he skipped all the other grades because they were, to quote him, “elementary”)
  • Trevor emigrated to Papua New Guinea in 1992 to play soccer on their national team. In one international friendly against Brazil, he scored a header off his own corner kick. Twice.
  • Trevor taught Chuck Norris how to be awesome in 1995 and then roundhouse kicked him in the groin.
  • Trevor invented Facebook his junior year in high school but didn’t tell anyone about it except for his son, Mark Zuckerberg, who was the lovechild of a brief affair he had with Diane Lane.
  • Trevor was accepted to every college and university in the world, even women’s colleges, who acknowledged that Trevor is male but wanted him there anyway.
  • At the stroke of midnight on December 31, 1999, Trevor bed his 2,000th woman and conceived his 2,000th child.
  • On his 21st birthday, Trevor invented the widemouth beer can because, as he said, “It just makes sense.” He also invented self-foaming soap the same night.
  • While running the New York and Chicago marathons at the same time, Trevor rescued 150 homeless men and women from a burning building and immediately built homes for all of them. He still finished the races under an hour.
  • Trevor once ate a 46-inch pizza in 10 minutes and then asked the waiter what the entrée would be.
  • After turning down starring roles in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Batman Begins, and Big Momma’s House, Trevor wrote, directed, played every role, and held the boom mic for the movie Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire, which is based on a novel that Trevor wrote about his life.
  • While playing Texas No-Limit Hold ‘Em poker with friends, Trevor had a full house and a royal flush on the same hand. He folded.
  • Trevor was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2008 but couldn’t accept the award in person because he was choreographing the music video for “Single Ladies.”
  • In 2010, Trevor became married to a wonderful woman named Laura, one of his greatest accomplishments.

Trev, you’re a good man, a great friend, and an incredible beekeeper. May the next 30 years be as good as the first 30.