Ohio State Trounced by Little Sisters of the Poor in Bowl Warmup

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) – In an astounding upset, the Ohio State University football team was defeated by the Little Sisters of the Poor’s club team 57-3 in a bowl warmup game.

The game was scheduled as a friendly match following OSU president E. Gordon Gee’s comments in November comparing Boise State University and Texas Christian University’s regular opponents to the women’s religious order. Ticket proceeds were to be donated to charity.

By the middle of the first quarter, it became apparent to the fans and coaches that the sisters were not there to make friends. Following a blind-side blitz on 3rd-and-long that left star OSU quarterback Terrelle Pryor clutching his wrist in pain, Sr. Agnes Cuttlebury made an illegal throat-slash gesture as she stood over Pryor. Cameras caught her saying what appeared to be, “I’ll say a prayer for you tonight, ’cause you’ll need it to play again next week.”

OSU coach Jim Tressel had started the game with mostly second-stringers in the lineup, as he was hoping to avoid injuries for team’s upcoming Sugar Bowl appearance. But by the second quarter, all regular starters were in the game.

The team went into halftime down 23-0. LSOTP quarterback Sr. Mary Tindle was a miraculous 14/15 for 238 yards and 2 TDs for the half, including a hook-and-ladder Hail Mary that ended the half on a high note for the religious order.

The second half was no better for OSU. The offensive line was repeatedly knocked around by the considerably frailer LSOTP defensive ends, Sr. Cuttlebury (105 lbs, 5’4″) and Sr. Gertrude Platt (109 lbs, 5’3″). The sisterhood’s only difficulty was working around a considerable number of late-hit and celebratory penalties, including one elaborate display involving a helmet of holy water and a nun mimicking OSU’s out-of-position safeties after a 58-yard scoring strike.

LSOTP coach and Mother Superior Sr. Martha May spoke briefly after the game. “Bless their hearts, they tried,” she said, referring to Ohio State. “It was a blessing that they at least got on the board with that late field goal. I’m proud of my girls, but tomorrow it’s back to our mission, same as any other day.”

The Litter Sisters of the Poor’s next game is their annual matchup against the New Orlean Saints on January 8.

Copyright 2010 The Ass Press.