Valentine’s Day: Twilight Special

Of course this has nothing to do with Twilight, but if you've seen the Lost episode "The Constant," you know that this is the best Valentine's Day card ever.

For having lived together for just over a month, my roommate and I have talked about Twilight surprisingly often. Even more surprising is that I’ve never read the Twilight books, nor do I plan to. But they make excellent conversation fodder.

Jess (roommate) revealed to me that after making fun of Twilight for a while, she decided she should at least read one of the books so her mocking could be more informed. So not only did she read the first book, but she also blogged about the experience with her friend Adam.

She shared her blog with me (start at the bottom and read up if you have a few minutes–it’s worth it), and I was LOLing all over the place. It’s very, very funny. To make it easier on those who don’t have the time to read the entire blog, here are the highlights that delighted me the most:

  • Edward describes himself as a “carnivorous flower” that is attracted to its prey. I think Edward just beat out Bella for the ridiculous self-description award. “Hi there, I’m Jessica. I’m like a Vegan Dandelion! I enjoy long walks on the beach and a good mimosa!”
  • Psst! Bella! No-one will ever want the farm if you give away the milk for free. (describing Bella’s challenge for Edward to kiss her)
  • During one of Edward’s more vulnerable moments, Bella assures him the he is neither repulsive nor terrifying. As a thank you for the positive reinforcement: he attacks her, literally hurling himself at her, tackling her to the ground, and then forces her to sit in his lap, while inviting his family into the room.
  • Edward admits to Bella that he never thought he’d find someone who would want to be more than “brother and sister” with him. I guess I have a lot of brothers.
  • Finally, there’s the ‘innocent’ sleepover in Chapter 14: “I pulled on my holey t-shirt and gray sweatpants. Too late to regret not packing the Victoria’s Secret silk pajamas my mother got me two birthdays ago.” Oh yeah. Remember that year you turned 14 and your mom bought your sex clothes?
  • Oh. My. God. I have a perfectly good carton of yogurt in the fridge that has been in my life for longer than Bella and Edward have known eachother. But they are ready to commit. FOR LIFE.
  • Hey kids: you know that special someone from biology who’s been stalking you and resisting the urge to ejaculate in your presence? Weeeell: forget college, careers, dating around, having a hobby, reading, setting goals, playing sports, or buying a blowdryer: because it’s about time you made that person your entire world.

So that’s it: Love, Twilight style. If you want to have the ideal Twilight Valentine’s, men, all you have to do is perfect in every way. And women, all you have to do is realize that the biggest choice in your life is which perfect man you should choose.