Best Blog Comments for August 2011

The single most important goal of this blog is to generate conversation. You all are the ones who make that happen. I love reading and responding to comments on the blog, even if you don’t agree with what I’m saying. And you often make me laugh out loud.

With that in mind, I’m going to start a new monthly series of the best/funniest comments on the blog from the previous month. I’ll truncate some of the comments to get to the best parts. We’ll start with August. Feel free to affirm the commenters by sharing your favorite in the comments to this entry.

From the post Milkmen Have It Rough, Sarah presents a daring solution for finding out if many milkmen have illegitimate babies from their delivery routes:

All truths, whether boring or shocking, are best revealed through a well-planned sting operation… I mean research project. In four easy steps:
Step 1. Vasectomy. (Wait, wait! Hear me out! This is for science! Don’t you want to contribute to the world’s fund of meaningful knowledge?)
Step 2. Marry a hot wife. Vapidity is a plus. For statistical power, you’ll need to have about 50 of your friends marry hot wives, too.
Step 3. Sign up them all up for Overweis home deliveries.
Step 4. Await results.

From the post The Outlaw of St. Louis, EmilyRVA asks:

So, does one have to fight his or her way into Sewer Ratz Fun-Time Solution Remedy? Or must we dance? This seems like a dancing-centric initiation type of gang.

From the post 3 Extra Things Every Guy Should Know, T-Mac asks a good question regarding my advice to order cocktails on the rocks:

Is #20 on this list just to make you feel better? :) Isn’t that a little like telling a guy it’s OK to wear a bra as long as it’s tan or gray?

From the post Contrivance #2: Clearing a Desk for Sex, Phuong comes up with a brilliant solution:

Your blog entry just gave me ideas on what to do with my 2 empty bedrooms. I will make one my real office and the other one my fake office. The fake office will have a desk with unimportant papers, pen holders and other desky-trinkets on it so when that day comes, that day when someone wants to wipe my desk off for sex, I’ll be ready!

And finally, a long but hilarious comment from Josh on the post The Costanza Wallet Solution:

The worst thing that could happen would be having to switch back to your old wallet?

Hardly.

Worst case scenario: the husband of the cow used to make the leather in your new wallet decides to hunt you down. He does this with the help of a few of his nothing-else-to-live-for wallet leather widowed friends: an alligator and an eel. They use a combination of their cunning detective skills, persuasive sexuality, and Google to find your home address. Then the fun begins.

They find you at home, asleep, inebriated from two Bud Selects. Biddy lays beside you, drunk on cat nip. The cow strikes first, tearing a gaping wound in your side with his horns. You wake, screaming in pain. Biddy tries to come to your rescue but then decides, eh screw it, and goes back to sleep. The alligator steps up next, latching onto your arm and death rolling until it pops free from your shoulder like well done drumstick. You fall to the floor, bleeding, pleading for mercy.

But there is no mercy. Not this night.

The eel springs to action, smearing you with mucus and electrocuting you until you’re nothing but a smoldering husk of Stegmaier. Wait, did I mention it was an electric eel? Oh yeah, it’s an electric eel. Of course it’s an electric eel.

Then as you lay on the floor of your apartment in agony, the cow, alligator, and eel steal the wallet they had come to avenge. Once home, they use your credit cards to sign up for a bunch of porn sites while using your email address as their log in, dooming you to a spam filled life, or what’s left of it at least…

But of course, that’s the worst case scenario.