Mom, please don’t read this entry. I think that’s for the best.
Yesterday I saw a post on one of my favorite movie news websites, Ain’t It Cool News, about a movie that I unexpectedly enjoyed this past spring: American Reunion. The site is giving away 8 DVD/Blu-Ray combo packs…not a big deal, right?
But the question they asked people to answer was kind of funny. In the vein of young Jim’s first encounter with an apple pie, you have to tell Ain’t It Cool the type of dessert you’d like to have sex with. (Mom, if you got this far, now’s your last chance to back out.)
Here’s the story I submitted. Please keep in mind that I was truly, truly naive.
My first attempt at something sexual involved Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. I’m 31 now, but back in the spring of 1998 I was a wide-eyed high school junior with very little sexual experience. I had kissed a few girls, including my girlfriend at the time, Miranda (name changed to protect the person all my high school friends know). With prom night approaching, I was preparing for what every high school movie had taught me: Miranda was going to try to have sex with me.
I wasn’t ready to have sex, but I faced the fact with resignation, and I decided not to fight it too much. In an attempt to play my part, I planned for a romantic post-prom picnic under the stars at Miranda’s house, complete with her favorite ice cream, Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk. It wasn’t even sold in grocery stores at the time, so I had to order it in advance directly from Ben & Jerry’s.
Knowing that I was a few hours away from Miranda forcibly taking my virginity, both prom and post-prom flew by, and soon we found ourselves in Miranda’s kitchen making nervous small talk. Miranda kept yawning and asking if I was awake enough to drive home, which I took as signs that she was ready to bed me.
Resigned to my fate, I started spoon-feeding her the ice cream while snuggling against her on the couch. She took a few bites and then said she was fine–yet another sign that she wanted sex, not food. I suspected she was nervous too, so I tried to calm her nerves by laying down on top of her, soothingly running my fingers through her hair. We were fully clothed, our pants firmly buckled and zipped and secured, so I didn’t think we were having sex. But I had so little experience that I couldn’t be sure.
45 minutes later, I woke up with a start. Miranda, pinned to the couch, was glaring up at me. “I need to go to bed,” she said. “And you need to go home.”
Which I did.
To this day, I still don’t know if Miranda took my virginity while I slept on top of her (okay, I do know. I later asked Miranda if she had fallen asleep too, and she looked at me all annoyed and said no, she was awake the whole time, wondering why I was sleeping on top of her). BUT just in case she did, it makes sense that I should celebrate the occasion by procreating with a quart of Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk. That’s the dessert I choose.
What dessert would you choose and why? And yes, it’s okay to relentlessly mock me in the comments. I was young and very, very naive. Perhaps you can relate on some level.
UPDATE: I found this old entry explaining what I thought sex was when I was a kid. It helps put this entry in context.
Also, I’ve been checking the stats, and it looks like sometime in the next month, someone will make the 10,000th comment on this blog. Most likely it will be a spam comment telling me about the benefits of the Microsoft Zune, but I’ll delete the spam comments as I do several times a day, and a real 10,000th comment will shine forth. I haven’t decided what I’m giving away to that special person, but I’m open to suggestions. I want it to be awesome since comments are the lifeblood of this blog.