Senator Ends Record Filibuster on the Filibuster Decision

rand_paul_filibusterWASHINGTON, DC (AP) – With many pressing issues like the economy, sustainable energy, health care, immigration rights, gun reform, and marriage equality on the minds of millions of Americans, the US Senate has opted instead to focus on an issue that impacts hundreds of US citizens every day: Senate filibuster rules.

With his head held high and his pink Mizuno running shoes marred with dust, Senator David Marsala took a seat late Tuesday night after a record 21-hour filibuster of the filibuster debate.

“Today I stood up for what I believe in,” he said, his personal aid wiping his brow. “I believe in my right to stand up and talk about what I believe in as long as I want, and I will protect that right until the day I die.”

Marsala, not known for filibustering, planking, or Tebowing, took the stand after days of partisan standoffs over the proposed filibuster rule changes. He spent the next 21 hours adhering to the Senate guidelines for filibustering, which include limits on the number of children’s books that can be read aloud (5), the number of times one can shout, “Are you not entertained!” (7), and the number of naps that can be taken during the filibuster (3).

“I honestly don’t know how he did it,” said opposition leader Sandy Frank. “He was a machine up there today. By talking for such a long time about nothing of consequence, he convinced me to change the views my party assigned to me long ago when I took office!”

Seemingly invigorated by the experience, Marsala vowed to promote sweeping filibuster allowances across all levels of government and society. Reporters captured an iconic moment on his commute home when Marsala filibustered a 7-11 cashier who wouldn’t let him use more than 2 cents from the “take a penny, leave a penny” tray. The filibuster lasted 15 minutes, including a 5-minute tangent involving a summer-only Slurpee flavor that Marsala insisted was a “tragedy greater than global warming.”

After its two-day summer session, the Senate will reconvene for its fall session on October 16.

Copyright 2013 The Ass Press.