Pet Please #99: Real Mail

Last week after my Festivus party, I got a thank-you note in the mail from one of my guests. It was a small gesture, but it meant a lot to me, largely in part because it was a real letter. I could hold it as I read it. I could see the personality in their handwriting. It … Read more

The Two Best Photos Ever Taken

Okay, I’ll say it: It’s weird being an uncle. Because everything my “nephew” (he’s not actually my nephew, but he’s my best friend’s kid, so I view him as close to a kid can get to being my nephew) and niece do is ridiculously cute. I don’t see either of them very often, so most … Read more

My Greatest Fear #46: Missing 2 Minutes of a Movie to Go to the Bathroom Even If My Bladder Will Explode

If I were a betting man and people were taking bets on my bladder, I would bet that my bladder will someday explode while I’m watching a movie in a theater. And I’ll probably keep watching the movie so I don’t miss anything. Here’s how I know I have a problem: Tonight I was a … Read more

Top Festivus Grievances of 2013: 11-20

We’re close to this year’s top Festivus grievances thanks to Bryce’s contribution yesterday. 11-20 were ranked by the illustrious Leo, who–true fact–was an extra in the movie Lincoln. As the thesbian he is, Leo added a few comments in brackets to these grievances. 20. Ambiguous relationship statuses. (someone added: It’s complicated.) [Leo: It’s all about the addition. Too … Read more

Top Festivus Grievances of 2013: 21-30

After we kicked off this year’s ranking yesterday, we’re back with 21-30. These were hand-selected by my friend Bryce. Caution: There is some slightly adult language among these grievances–words like “penis” and “pee pee.” These are not Bryce’s words. Rather, these are the words of slightly drunk Festivus party attendees. On to the grievances! 30. … Read more

Top Festivus Grievances of 2013: 31-40

It’s time for my annual ranking of the top grievances proposed at my Festivus party. Technically it’s not my ranking, as I wrote a number of the 71 grievances myself. Instead I sent that list of grievances to 4 of the funniest people I know who weren’t at the party due to excuses like “living … Read more

Top 10 Festivus Pet Pleases

The true spirit of Festivus is grieving, not talking about what you’re thankful for. And trust me, there was plenty of grieving last night–my panel of judges will soon be reviewing the grievances for the Top 40 list. But in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I devoted a small section of the whiteboard to pet pleases … Read more

Festivus Cometh Early

For the last 10 years, I’ve hosted a Festivus party in December. For those of you who didn’t watch TV in the 90s, Festivus is a made-up holiday featured on one episode of Seinfeld. According to George Costanza, Festivus features three traditions: A Festivus pole unadorned with any decorations or ornaments An airing of grievances … Read more