My Greatest Fear #46: Missing 2 Minutes of a Movie to Go to the Bathroom Even If My Bladder Will Explode

Yeah, I wouldn't miss a single second of her.

Yeah, I wouldn’t miss a single second of her.

If I were a betting man and people were taking bets on my bladder, I would bet that my bladder will someday explode while I’m watching a movie in a theater.

And I’ll probably keep watching the movie so I don’t miss anything.

Here’s how I know I have a problem: Tonight I was a few minutes into The Hunger Games: Catching Fire: The Movie That Didn’t Need a Subtitle when I realized that I kinda had to go to the bathroom. Just kinda.

“Eh,” I said to myself as I have so many times before. “I’ll be fine. I don’t want to miss anything.”

Keep in mind that this is a movie based on a book that I’ve read. I know everything that happens. Even if I actually missed a few minutes to go to the bathroom, I could find that part in the book and refresh my memory.

But noooo, Jamey can’t miss a single second of the movie. The one time I did go to the bathroom during a movie (Harry Potter 6 or 7.1, I can’t remember which), I missed the ridiculously awesome animated scene about the three brothers and the wand of death, the sword, and the invisibility cloak. Never again, I vowed. Never again.

I won’t bore you with what proceeded to happen, but I’ll sum it up in a few bullet points. Keep in mind that none of these are logical–I think some of the pee got into my brain:

  • 30 minutes into the movie I decided that if I ate more popcorn faster, it would soak up some of the liquid inside of me and delay the need to go to the bathroom.
  • 1 hour into the movie I loosed my belt, figuring it would give my bladder more room to expand.
  • 90 minutes into the movie I briefly considered just peeing my pants.
  • 2 hours into the movie I regretted not sitting on the aisle, because even though I was halfway okay with missing a few minutes of the movie by that point to quell the pain shooting throughout my body, I didn’t want to stumble over people on my way out.

You read that right. Peeing my pants in a crowded movie theater occurred to me before I considered actually going to the bathroom.

Again, not that you want the details, but when the movie ended and I finally made it to the bathroom, I had to go so badly that I couldn’t go at all. Finally I relaxed and made it happen.

I foresee two ways this is going to end:

  1. My bladder explodes during a Peter Jackson movie.
  2. I get a catheter and pee whenever and wherever I want.

I can’t tell which one is more likely. What do you think?