Pet Peeve #53: All Gum Is Sugar Free

gumWhen I was going through puberty (which lasted from about my 11th year to my 24th year of life), I got a lot of migraine headaches. I still do, but I know exactly what triggers them at this point: lack of sleep, lack of water, and fake sugar.

It’s the last item on the list that I was reminded of today when I was waiting to check out at the grocery store today. A few flavors of gum looked really intriguing (“New Watermelon Acai Berry Nacho Wakeboarding Flavor!”), so I checked them out, only to discover the sad truth that I’ve known for quite a while but haven’t resigned myself to: all gum is sugar free now.

Which means to me: All gum has fake sugar in it. Thus if I chew it, I will need to immediately lock myself in a cool, dark room and have my mom put her hand on my forehead. Which is difficult, because my mom is in Virginia and I’m in St. Louis.

When did this happen? What happened to the good ole days when you got real sugar while chewing a piece of rubber for 20 seconds before the flavor ran out? How was it decided that all gum should have fake sugar in it?

Doesn’t that seem odd to anyone? That hasn’t happened to any other genre of food. Many other foods have fake-sugar variants, but they still retain their full-sugar originals.

It’s fine, really. It’s not a big deal. Gum chewing was never on my to-do list anyway. But I really would like to try that new Peach Cobbler Autumn Pepperoni Tuesday Flavor Rush gum.

PS. I would like products to have the label “Fake Sugar Free” instead of “Sugar Free” from now on. Can we make that happen?