My Greatest Fear #48: Getting a Potato Chip in My Eye

Should've gone with regular.

Should’ve gone with regular.

As I wrote about on a recent blog entry, I’m a little bit in love with Billy Goat potato chips right now. I only eat a few before lunch and dinner, so it takes me over 3 weeks to get through a bag. It’s been an amazing 3 weeks.

I finally finished off the bag this past weekend, so I picked up another bag at the grocery store on Sunday. I went with the spicy, ridged variety, a decision that would later have dire consequence.

One of the best things about Billy Goat chips is the level of crispness. This is really important because the chips retain their original form in the giant bag, which isn’t inflated like other bags of chips.

As a result, I’ve noticed that whenever I take a bite of a Billy Goat chip, a few minuscule bits of chips go flying. So I close my eyes whenever I take a bite out of fear of getting a piece of the chip in my eye.

Of course, like all of my greatest fears, this is complete nonsense. Who gets a chip in their eye? Humans have eyelashes for the very reason of keeping stuff like that out of our eyeballs.

But sometimes you learn the hard way that your greatest fears are completely justified.

As I took a bite of chip today, for some reason I kept my eyes open. I really don’t know why. Maybe I was trying to multitask–read a label or admire the cuteness of my cats. Something important.

Whatever the reason, my eyes were open when I took a bite of the chip. Simultaneously the potato chip pleasure sensors in my brain lit up as the pain sensors in my mind informed me that something was scraping against my right cornea RIGHT NOW.

That’s when I wished I hadn’t gone with the spicy version.

Fortunately my tear ducts sprang to life and flushed out the chip as fast as possible. However, some of the spicy residue remained, giving me a super power that I like to call “Billy Goat Vision.” It features the ability to not keep my eyes open when I eat Billy Goat chips from now on.

So for all of you out there, be warned: This greatest fear is real, and it’s a mean one.