Confession #20: I Can’t Open Twist-Off Bottles

These are the same to me.

These are the same to me.

I’ve hidden this secret for years, and it’s time to face the truth: Most of the time, I can’t open twist-off bottles without the aid of a bottle opener.

Yes. This is a fact. Just today at lunch I labored over a bottle for several seconds, even considering breaking it on the edge of the table and drinking out of sharp glass, before handing it to a female friend with bad circulation in her tiny hands…who promptly opened the bottle with ease.

If I were a supervillain, this would be my greatest weakness. Well, this and kittens. Especially if those kittens were in a container with a twist-off cap!

I admit this weakness with much chagrin, because in all honesty, I think the twist-off bottle cap is one of the greatest innovations of our generation. I’m surprised normal bottle caps aren’t obsolete by now.

Perhaps that’s a blessing in disguise, because without normal bottle caps there wouldn’t be bottle openers, and without them I wouldn’t have a way to open twist-off bottle caps when no one is looking.

It feels good to get this off my chest. Surely you have something like this too, some odd, niche weakness that doesn’t make any sense. Feel free to share in the comments.