The Rock Wins the Women’s World Cup

sites-league-files-image_nodes-2015-07-the-rockDisclaimer: The title of this post as well as some of the content of this post is parody. I don’t actually think The Rock–a man–won the Women’s World Cup.

Disclaimer: If it doesn’t make sense as to why this post now has a ton of disclaimers, read the comments.

It’s a scientific fact: The Rock makes everything better.

Disclaimer: I understand that there is no scientific study or grounds for my claim that this is a scientific fact. This is an exaggeration for the purpose of humor.

It’s one of those things you can’t explain, like baking soda, WD-40, or teacup pigs. It’s just the way it is. If you take anything–a movie, TV show, talk show appearance, anything–and insert even just a minute or two of The Rock into it, and it’s instantly better.

So what happens if you take an amazing Women’s World Cup final and add The Rock to it? Words cannot describe the awesomeness, but I will try.

Disclaimer: This is not insinuating in any way that the US women’s victory would not be amazing without The Rock. The Rock simply served as an personification for my own excitement.

Let’s start with the game itself. The US team played beautiful, aggressive, assertive soccer. The netted 3 goals in about 15 minutes, and Carli Lloyd capped that run with one of the best, most audacious goals I’ve ever seen: a 54-yard shot from midfield.

Disclaimer: As for the previous paragraph, there has never been a less sexist paragraph written about women’s sports. THAT is a scientific fact.

While I wanted the US women to win, I’m glad that Japan didn’t go out without a fight. They scored twice and played quite well for the rest of the game. The game was highly entertaining as a result, which is the whole point of this, right? Sports are entertainment.

Disclaimer: Saying that I didn’t want the US to crush Japan’s dignity through a blowout doesn’t mean that I’m any less patriotic than my fellow Americans.

So after the game I checked ESPN.com, and on it I found that none other than The Rock had sent a video to the US team a few hours earlier. You can see how psyched he is, and watching him get psyched made me get even more psyched about the game.

Disclaimer: In no way am I saying that the US women’s victory would be meaningless if it weren’t for The Rock’s endorsement. Their victory would stand on its own regardless of the gender of various celebrities rooting for them.

Congrats to the US Women’s National Team! And thanks, The Rock, for yet again making a great thing even better.

Disclaimer: If, after reading any of these completely unnecessary disclaimers, you still think this post is somehow sexist, please read my previous post about how I think the US women’s team is so much better than the US men’s team.