The Overbearing Cat-Owner’s Guide to a Glucose Curve

img_5589Due to his diabetes, occasionally Biddy needs to participate in a glucose curve. It basically means that I drop him off at the veterinarian’s office in the morning so they can measure his blood sugar throughout the day, and then I pick him up in the early evening.

It sucks. For Biddy and for me. No one wants to give their pet to the vet for an entire day. Biddy is in good hands, but he doesn’t know that. I’m sure he feels deserted.

This wasn’t Biddy’s first glucose curve, and it won’t be his last. So I’ve decided the next time I drop him off, I’m also going to bring along a list of things I expect the vet to do for Biddy throughout the day.

I want this to be as over-the-top as possible, so I invite you to add your suggestions to the list.

9:00: Alternate scratching Biddy’s head and under his chin, saying repeatedly, “You’re a kitty cat. You’re a kitty cat.” Sometimes he gets confused about who he is.

10:00: Play fetch with Biddy. You have to fetch things for him while he watches.

11:00: Open up Candy Crush on your iPad and let Biddy play several rounds. He’s at level 17, so start there (otherwise he’ll get bored).

12:00: Sing “Somewhere Out There” with one of the other vets to Biddy. It must be a duet.

1:00: Naptime. Watch Biddy for the entire nap. If you sense from his movement/snoring that he’s having a bad dream, sooth him by rubbing his paws.

2:00: Read to Biddy from Call of the Wild. Make sure you let him turn the pages–it makes him feel useful.

3:00: Watch an episode of Thundercats with Biddy, assuring him throughout the episode that he could be a Thundercat someday if he believes in himself.

4:00: Set up a very complicated board game, then let Biddy push all the pieces off the table. As he pushes them off, put them back on the board so he can push them off again.

5:00: Review Biddy’s Chinese-language flash cards so he doesn’t fall behind in class.

What else should I add?