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DiGiorno to Test Delivery Service

DiGiorno to Test Delivery Service

VEVEY, Switzerland (AP) – In a much-anticipated announcement, DiGiorno Pizza rolled out plans today for a frozen pizza delivery service. DiGiorno Delivery, which has been under testing in California since 2012, involves a fleet of couriers who can be dispatched 24/7 via an online request or phone call. Customers can order from a variety of frozen […]


Memo from a Viking Firefighter About Funeral Pyres

Memo from a Viking Firefighter About Funeral Pyres

MEMORANDUM TO: Skaftafell Funeral Committee FROM: Bjorn Sveinsson, chief firefighter DATE: Tuesday, 938 BC SUBJECT: Funeral Pyres: There has to be a better way Brethren, I beg of you: For the sake of our future and our children’s future, please, please stop putting our honored dead on wooden rafts and setting them aflame. I understand […]


Ford Announces 2037 Explorer

Ford Announces 2037 Explorer

DEARBORN, MI (AP) – Following its August 2013 release of its 2014 Explorer, Ford proceeded to announce an entire line of cars dating through 2037. “With increased competition from other companies announcing their next-year models earlier and earlier into the previous year, we determined that the best strategy for the Ford Explorer brand is to […]


Swedish Director of Original “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Film to Remake American Version

Swedish Director of Original "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" Film to Remake American Version

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) – Niels Arden Oplev, director of the 2009 Swedish film “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,” announced today that he was going to remake the 2011 American remake of his film back in the original Swedish. “Specifically,” he clarified from his perch on a fjord, “I’m going to remake the novelization of the […]


Netflix to Buy US Postal Service

Netflix to Buy US Postal Service

LOS GATOS, California (AP) – In a long-overdue move on Monday, Netflix announced that it would purchase the US Postal Service for $6 billion cash and unlimited movie rentals for a year. Tech bloggers are calling the highly-touted new service “Netflix for mail.” Despite widespread speculation that the move would drastically change the USPS’s core […]


Clean Plate Club to Close Memberships

Clean Plate Club to Close Memberships

EVANSTON, Illinois (AP) – In a long-expected announcement on Wednesday night after dinner, the Clean Plate Club officially closed memberships for what officials called “the foreseeable future.” The CPC, established in 1780 as a way for frustrated parents to incentivize their children to eat everything on their plate, has a membership of over 3 billion. […]


Cats Show Up in Record Numbers to Vote Against Puppy Mill Bill

Cats Show Up in Record Numbers to Vote Against Puppy Mill Bill

ST. LOUIS, Missouri  (AP) – Registered feline voters appeared in droves to vote against the controversial Proposition B, which, if passed, would have imposed strict, pro-dog  guidelines upon in-state breeders. “The more dogs locked up in constricting 2 x 4 containers, the better,” said Cat Alliance spokesperson Mittens McWhiskers, referring to the clause that would […]


Google to Discontinue Gmail

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California (AP) – Search engine behemoth Google announced today that it will no longer continue to offer one of its beta products, Google Mail (widely known as “Gmail”). “We test out many different products in an effort to diversify the Google brand,” said spokesperson Linda Antello. “This is one experiment that just didn’t […]


St. Louis Mayor Decides City Will "Go French," Switch to Euro

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) – In an effort to improve the appeal of the Gateway City, Mayor Francis Slay announced today that St. Louis will return to its French roots “across the spectrum.” “Today we tip our hats to Louis Joliet and Jacques Marquette, discovers of this great land. Merci!”, said the mayor on Monday, […]


UConn Junior Thabeet Entering MLS Draft

HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) – After much speculation, University of Connecticut junior Hasheem Thabeet announced today that he would be declaring for Major League Soccer draft eligibility. The 7’3″ basketball star, after leading his team to the NCAA men’s semifinals, decided to forgo a career in the NBA and instead play his childhood sport professionally in […]


Red Cross and Twilight Partner for New Campaign

Red Cross and Twilight Partner for New Campaign

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – The American Red Cross announced Wednesday that they would be partnering with the producers of the hit series Twilight for their new anemia awareness campaign. Red Cross Marketing Director Pamela Pherson and Summit Entertainment’s Nicholas Trelp inked a 3-year deal that will tie at least two Twilight movie sequels to the […]


Newsflash: Watched Pot Boils in Area Home

Newsflash: Watched Pot Boils in Area Home

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) – Eloise Bermann has been cooking her trademark chicken noodle soup for 43 years. Yesterday, February 16, 2009, she witnessed a watched pot boiling for the first time. “I turned on my show,” she said, referring to Dallas, “but I had already seen the episode. So I started watching the stovepot. […]


Newsflash: Local Man Tries to Grow "Cool" Beard, Fails

Newsflash: Local Man Tries to Grow "Cool" Beard, Fails

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — Over the long MLK weekend, Central West End resident Jamey Stegmaier tried to grow a beard. After 3 days of not shaving, with no visible results, Stegmaier gave up. “Everybody else has one of those stupid beards,” he said to reporters gathered outside his condo. “I thought, you know, how hard […]


Newsflash: Local Man Eats 4-Year-Old Frozen Lasagna for Dinner

Newsflash: Local Man Eats 4-Year-Old Frozen Lasagna for Dinner

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — There comes a point in every man’s life when he needs to make a choice. A choice to eat the last thing in his freezer. On Monday, January 26, Trevor MacDougall made that choice. MacDougall arrived home just before 6:30 in the evening. He immediately walked over to the freezer, […]


Newsflash: Jamey Stegmaier Announces He'll Never Run for Public Office

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — In a sparsely attended press conference Monday, Jamey Stegmaier (cat, Camry, and home owner) announced that he will not be running for public office. Ever. “Never say ‘ever’,” Stegmaier read from his statement. The move contradicts earlier speculation that he might someday consider running for public office, or at least that […]


Newsflash: Amy Grant in the News

HARLEM, New York (AP): Heralded Christian singer Amy Grant announced today that she will be releasing her latest album, Amy Grant’s Sportz Jamz, prior to the start of the men’s NCAA March Madness tournament. “Amy Grant loves God,” said Grant’s publicist, Jesus Martinez. “And God loves 65-team bracketed tournaments.” The CD will join a growing […]


Newsflash: Hubble: Still Out There

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida (AP) — Today it was confirmed by an elite team of scientists at NASA that yes, Hubble is still out there. “Who knew?” said astophysicist Ted Kerplucken. “I sure as hell didn’t.” Hubble, which was originally launched on April 24, 1990, has apparently been taking photos for over 18 years. “Really?” said […]


Newsflash: Obama Selects Area Kitten for Cabinet

ST LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — Local kitten Biddy Stegmaier (I) has been offered the position of Secretary of Pinning Sheets to the Bed, an Obama insider says. Pending an official background check, Biddy will be sworn in with the rest of the cabinet on January 2o. “[Biddy] has the experience necessary for this job,” says […]


Shopowner Pleased with Passage of Time

BROOKFIELD, Wisconsin (AP) — When Sheila Tearny was three years old, she told her mother she would own a “real business” one day. According to her, that day has come. Specifically, February 19, 2008. That’s exactly 10 years after Sheila opened her novelty habberdashery, Hats for Cats, in downtown Brookfield. Why wasn’t the store a […]