Google to Discontinue Gmail
MOUNTAIN VIEW, California (AP) – Search engine behemoth Google announced today that it will no longer continue to offer one of its beta products, Google Mail (widely known as “Gmail”).
“We test out many different products in an effort to diversify the Google brand,” said spokesperson Linda Antello. “This is one experiment that just didn’t work [...]
St. Louis Mayor Decides City Will "Go French," Switch to Euro
ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) – In an effort to improve the appeal of the Gateway City, Mayor Francis Slay announced today that St. Louis will return to its French roots “across the spectrum.”
“Today we tip our hats to Louis Joliet and Jacques Marquette, discovers of this great land. Merci!”, said the mayor on Monday, citing [...]
UConn Junior Thabeet Entering MLS Draft
HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) – After much speculation, University of Connecticut junior Hasheem Thabeet announced today that he would be declaring for Major League Soccer draft eligibility.
The 7′3″ basketball star, after leading his team to the NCAA men’s semifinals, decided to forgo a career in the NBA and instead play his childhood sport professionally in the [...]
Red Cross and Twilight Partner for New Campaign
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – The American Red Cross announced Wednesday that they would be partnering with the producers of the hit series Twilight for their new anemia awareness campaign.
Red Cross Marketing Director Pamela Pherson and Summit Entertainment’s Nicholas Trelp inked a 3-year deal that will tie at least two Twilight movie sequels to the non-profit.
“We’re [...]
Newsflash: Watched Pot Boils in Area Home
ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) – Eloise Bermann has been cooking her trademark chicken noodle soup for 43 years. Yesterday, February 16, 2009, she witnessed a watched pot boiling for the first time.
“I turned on my show,” she said, referring to Dallas, “but I had already seen the episode. So I started watching the stovepot. I [...]
Newsflash: Local Man Tries to Grow "Cool" Beard, Fails
ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — Over the long MLK weekend, Central West End resident Jamey Stegmaier tried to grow a beard. After 3 days of not shaving, with no visible results, Stegmaier gave up.
“Everybody else has one of those stupid beards,” he said to reporters gathered outside his condo. “I thought, you know, how hard could [...]
Newsflash: Local Man Eats 4-Year-Old Frozen Lasagna for Dinner
ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — There comes a point in every man’s life when he needs to make a choice. A choice to eat the last thing in his freezer.
On Monday, January 26, Trevor MacDougall made that choice.
MacDougall arrived home just before 6:30 in the evening. He immediately walked over to the freezer, took out [...]
Newsflash: Jamey Stegmaier Announces He'll Never Run for Public Office
ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — In a sparsely attended press conference Monday, Jamey Stegmaier (cat, Camry, and home owner) announced that he will not be running for public office. Ever.
“Never say ‘ever’,” Stegmaier read from his statement.
The move contradicts earlier speculation that he might someday consider running for public office, or at least that he hadn’t [...]
Newsflash: Amy Grant in the News
HARLEM, New York (AP): Heralded Christian singer Amy Grant announced today that she will be releasing her latest album, Amy Grant’s Sportz Jamz, prior to the start of the men’s NCAA March Madness tournament.
“Amy Grant loves God,” said Grant’s publicist, Jesus Martinez. “And God loves 65-team bracketed tournaments.”
The CD will join a growing list of [...]
Newsflash: Hubble: Still Out There
CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida (AP) — Today it was confirmed by an elite team of scientists at NASA that yes, Hubble is still out there.
“Who knew?” said astophysicist Ted Kerplucken. “I sure as hell didn’t.”
Hubble, which was originally launched on April 24, 1990, has apparently been taking photos for over 18 years.
“Really?” said Nobel prize winner [...]
Newsflash: Obama Selects Area Kitten for Cabinet
ST LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — Local kitten Biddy Stegmaier (I) has been offered the position of Secretary of Pinning Sheets to the Bed, an Obama insider says.
Pending an official background check, Biddy will be sworn in with the rest of the cabinet on January 2o. “[Biddy] has the experience necessary for this job,” says the [...]
Shopowner Pleased with Passage of Time
BROOKFIELD, Wisconsin (AP) — When Sheila Tearny was three years old, she told her mother she would own a “real business” one day.
According to her, that day has come.
Specifically, February 19, 2008. That’s exactly 10 years after Sheila opened her novelty habberdashery, Hats for Cats, in downtown Brookfield. Why wasn’t the store a “real business” [...]