“Specifically,” he clarified from his perch on a fjord, “I’m going to remake the novelization of the American remake of my original film adaptation of the  novel ‘The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.’”

Oplev was quick to add that this would not be a shot-by-shot remake. However, while putting together a piece of IKEA furniture, he indicated that he was inspired by the American adaptation to cast “very attractive people, but to make them look as unattractive as possible” using makeup, costumes, and what he could only describe as “svenfjorgeborg.”

“It roughly translates to, ‘that thing that happens to a actor after they are woken up night after night by a naked Swedish man hovering over their bed,” Oplev said, wearing a navy blue and yellow sweater and eating a Toblerone.

The production company, Det Danske Filminstitut (really!), plans on releasing the film in 2014. American remake director David Fincher, although unavailable for comment, indicated on his Twitter feed Thursday that he would follow the remake of the remake with a claymation remake in 2017.

Copyright 2011 The Ass Press.

Tech bloggers are calling the highly-touted new service “Netflix for mail.” Despite widespread speculation that the move would drastically change the USPS’s core mission (“And neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, nor the winds of change, nor a nation challenged, will stay us from the swift completion of our appointed rounds.”), Netflix claims that no such changes will be made.

“Well, except for the part about snow,” said Netflix spokesperson Argyle Finch, who noted that the new service would be called Netmail. “Everything shuts down in Los Gatos when we get more than an inch.”

Much to the chagrin of postal workers around the country, Netflix does not intend to lay off any USPS employees. When asked for comment about the buyout, Oklahoma postal worked DeSean Porter said, “Well, it makes sense. Most of what we deliver is Netflix DVDs and junk mail.”

A leaked screenshot of the Netmail’s new homepage shows the service will be divided into a number of different payment plans, including up to 3 letters at a time. Members will be able to pay an extra dollar a month to filter out junk mail and requests from friends to support their charity walks.

Although Netmail is planning to launch a new unlimited streaming service through which you can receive certain types of mail electronically, tech bloggers are concerned about what appears to be a delineation between that service and the regular subscription plans. “At first we were told that we’d get Netmail streaming for free as part of the regular subscription, and now they’re charging for both? That’s hogwash,” writes blogger LOLkat69.

When asked to comment, Netflix merely replied, “The USPS lost $8.5 billion last year. We don’t intend to do the same.”

Copyright 2011 The Ass Press.

The CPC, established in 1780 as a way for frustrated parents to incentivize their children to eat everything on their plate, has a membership of over 3 billion. It is widely regarded as the most important organization for the completion of dinner, with the If You Won’t Eat It, You Wear It Association and the No Son of Mine Fraternity coming in a distant second and third, respectively.

Spokesman Terry Argoe clarified that all existing memberships would remain intact with full benefits like dessert, playtime on the family Wii, and the ability to leave the kitchen table, but that no new members would be accepted.

“We understand all the hard work that goes into cleaning plates,” Argoe said to reporters from around the world. “We hope that children everywhere will proceed with the same vigor and enthusiasm to eat all of their food.”

“Even broccoli,” he added, making a face.

When pressed for reasons for why the CPC was closing memberships, Argoe had to take several moments to collect himself before replying.

“The sheer paperwork involved in running the CPC is daunting domestically, much less internationally,” he said, sighing. “Every time a parent tells a child that they’re about to join the Clean Plate Club, we have to log the promise and follow up with an inspection to see if the plate is actually clean.”

He acknowledged that many children are sneaky about their plates. “Some might smear their spinach quiche around the plate to make it appear like they ate it all. Others hide peas among chicken bones. That’s not a clean plate, people.”

Argoe outlined a five-step plan for the CPC to streamline their database so to reduce input costs. He mentioned several innovative ideas, such as a Clean Plate Club mobile app that parents could use to submit new applications and track incentives, as well as microchip technology that could determine if a plate has been fully cleaned.

“But those advances are years away,” he concluded.

In the meantime, Argoe encouraged parents to use other methods like idle threats and “good cop/bad cop” to get kids to eat their leafy greens and weird tofu.

Copyright 2011 The Ass Press.

“The more dogs locked up in constricting 2 x 4 containers, the better,” said Cat Alliance spokesperson Mittens McWhiskers, referring to the clause that would ban breeders from having more than 5o breeding dogs at a time.

McWhiskers is one of nearly 43,000 cats that showed up on election day to exercise their right to vote on pet-related referendums. Cat Alliance and other anti-puppy groups held rallies across the state, focusing on hotly-contested areas like Johnson County and New Madrid County.

Sporting homemade signs emblazoned with slogans like, “Prop B, Not for Me!” and “Daily Access to Food and Potable Water Are Luxuries We Can’t Afford, Neither Meow Nor Later!”, cats marched up and down the streets in front of voting booths.

“Why should these pampered dogs get ‘unfettered access’ to outdoor exercise areas?” asked Kissy Poo, a Siamese mix from Chesterfield. “I don’t get unfettered access–we’re talking about a civil rights issue here.”

Poo’s life partner and occasion mortal enemy, Hairball Sanchez, joined the conversation after chasing an errant tissue. “Poo don’t lie,” he added.

With over 1,455 commercial breeders in Missouri, by far the most in any state, the passing of Proposition B could have set a snowball in motion that would eventually make puppy meals across the country considerably more humane. But thanks to cat voters like Snowball in South St. Louis, Prop B failed to pass.

“You have to consider the impact this would have on the local economy,” he said, rubbing his scent onto a doorframe. “If breeders can’t stack cages three, four levels high, how are they supposed to generate the output necessary to keep small towns running?”

“Meth production can’t support them all,” he added.

The last time this many cats voted in Missouri was the controversial farm-raised tuna amendment in 1992.

Copyright 2010 The Ass Press.

“We test out many different products in an effort to diversify the Google brand,” said spokesperson Linda Antello. “This is one experiment that just didn’t work out.”

Google has offered its mail service since 2004 and, until yesterday, had millions of users worldwide. The company will start phasing out customers based on birthdate, starting with its older users, “because they probably wouldn’t be using it much longer anyway,” Antello said.

Gmail is the latest in a long string of Google Apps to get the axe. In the last 6 months alone, Google has discontinued Google Video, Google Stationary, Google SportsNow, Google KittenFoto, Google Peaches, and Google Bugle.

“Our research indicates that there are many alternative e-mail services out there,” said Antello. “In this economy, sometimes you have to acknowledge that you’re losing money fighting for your slice of the pie.”

“I think Facebook e-mail works pretty well,” she added.

Copyright 2009 The Ass Press.

“Today we tip our hats to Louis Joliet and Jacques Marquette, discovers of this great land. Merci!”, said the mayor on Monday, citing Wikipedia as his primary source.

Aside from the appeal of being labeled the “Europe of the Midwest,” Slay stated economic motivations behind the move.

“Obviously we’ll be using the Euro from now on,” he said at the press conference. “This will have an immediate positive impact on the St. Louis economy, all the way from the rue de 270 beltway to the rue de Martin Luther King Boulevard.”

He went on applaud the strength of the Euro, which is currently trading at $1.39:1.

“For a $3 tank of gas, now you’ll only have to pay 1 Euro for a full liter!” proclaimed Slay.

All speed limits will switch over to kilometers per hour by the end of June. Some of the infrastructural changes have been in effect for months, such as the switch from traffic lights to traffic circles in Forest Park, the recent proliferation of crepe restaurants and gelaterias, and the mandatory garbage strike held over Memorial Day weekend.

When asked how the city would enforce the new pronunciation rules, which require St. Louisans to say all street names with a French accent (see pronuciation guide, bottom), Slay shrugged. “You either say ‘San Louie’ or you get deported to the French penal colony.”

“Canada,” he clarified.

Slay added that St. Louis would indeed switch over to a city-sponsored healthcare program, but that he’d need to “queue [his] Netflix for that Michael Moore movie” to learn more about how it works.

Copyright 2009, The Ass Press. Note that I have nothing at all against Slay–I just wanted to use the real mayor’s name for this fake article.

Pronunciation Guide

Albert Pujols (al-burt poo-holes) –> al-bear poo-yo

Bon Secours (bahn seh-koo-ers) –> boh seh-koo

Carondolet (ka-ron-doh-let) –> ka-ron-doh-lay

Creve Coeur (kreev coor) –> krehv koo-lay

De Baliviere Ave (duh-bah-li-ver) –> day-bah-li-vay

Imo’s Pizza (ee-mohz pee-tza) –> ee-moh pee-sah

toasted ravioli (toh-sted reh-vee-oh-lee) –> toh-stay reh-vee-oh-lay

The 7’3″ basketball star, after leading his team to the NCAA men’s semifinals, decided to forgo a career in the NBA and instead play his childhood sport professionally in the U.S.

“Where will I be drafted? 140th? 179th? You don’t really know until draft day,” Thabeet said to reporters today.

The junior was projected as a top 3 pick in the NBA draft.

UConn coach Jim Calhoun called Thabeet “one of the most dominating centers in the history of college basketball,” referring to his prolific rebounding and shot blocking. But, he added, “I’m sure he’ll be a good bench warmer in the MLS.”

Lottery picks in the NBA draft average starting salaries of $20-23 million (about $5 million a year). In the struggling American soccer league, the top players make around $2 million per annum.

“I’m not in it for the money,” said Thabeet. “I’m in it for the high injury risk and low rate of return.”

Thabeet has not played soccer since he was in elementary school in Tanzania, when he was 2 feet shorter than he is now. But he’s not worried about losing his skills.

“I’m sure it’s just like riding a samjyug,” he said, referring to the Tanzanian word for “giant centipede.” “It’ll come back to me.”

Red Cross Marketing Director Pamela Pherson and Summit Entertainment’s Nicholas Trelp inked a 3-year deal that will tie at least two Twilight movie sequels to the non-profit.

“We’re confident that this move will booster blood donations and anemia awareness across the spectrum,” said Pherson.

Part of the motivation behind the partnership was Twilight’s emphasis on chaste seduction.

“We want to put the ‘sexy’ back into giving blood,” Pherson said. “[Twilight star] Robert Pattinson has made vampires sexy again. We feel our brands are aligning at the right time.”

Trelp indicated that the Red Cross would help take Twilight to the next level.

“Currently our market share is dominated by pre-teen girls longing to meet the vampire of their dreams,” he said. “If we could tap into the Red Cross’s core users–people with anemia, hemophilia, or victims of blood-loss–we could increase DVD sales alone by 15%.”

Pherson waived concerns that diehard Twilight fans would go to blood drives and ask for blood to be drawn from their neck instead of the normal location, the upper forearm.

“We get odd requests all the time,” she said. “Our nurses have strict instructions on what they can or cannot do. But if someone wants a token band-aid on their jugular, it’s not a problem. One pint of blood can save an anemic’s life.”

“That’s something we can sink our teeth into.”

Copyright 2009 The Ass Press.

See also:

Watched Pot Boils in Area Home

“I turned on my show,” she said, referring to Dallas, “but I had already seen the episode. So I started watching the stovepot. I guess I was bored.”

The pot in question was a red ceramic pot, 12 inches in diameter. Bermann recalled that she left the top off “for no reason in particular.”

“I just stood there, staring at it. I assumed nothing would happen, because, you know what they say.”

“After a certain point I just decided, what the heck, I’m not going to look away.”

Bermann noted that she had the gas set on high. 

“After about 5 minutes, the water started to bubble,” she said, dicing celery on a Formica countertop. “Then it boiled.”

There is no way to confirm the validity of Bermann’s claim. It’s not the first time an housewife has claimed to have witnessed a pot boiling after watching it from the inception of the heating process. There was the famous Brunswick Stew Hoax in 1963, followed by a string of copycat boilers. Henley Stewart (the same Stewart who swears that he saw the little box on his screensaver bounce precisely into the corner of his screen) claimed to have watched several pots boil, but he could never prove it. A 2008 YouTube video appeared to show a man and his cat staring at a pot until it boiled, but after several investigations, the man admitted that he spliced in footage from a Top Chef episode.

Bermann concedes that she may have looked away for a second or two. “At most,” she said. “Oh Lordy, I don’t know what I saw!”

Bermann’s husband could not be reached for comment, as he was busy watching Letterman.

Copyright 2009 The Ass Press.

“Everybody else has one of those stupid beards,” he said to reporters gathered outside his condo. “I thought, you know, how hard could it be to get a little stubble?”

When informed that he looked like white trash, Stegmaier became belligerent and had to be restrained by two little girls, who easily pinned him against the wall. They let him go after a brief taunting session.

“Listen,” Stegmaier said, examining the bruises on his puny arms. “I wanted a cool beard trimmed short like everybody else. But I can’t do it. My facial hair grows in patches, and it doesn’t fill in. It just doesn’t work.”

Stegmaier cited Stifler as the catalyst for the stubble beard fad.

“Damn Stifler,” he commented.

Weak and exhausted from the press conference, Stegmaier limped back to his condo on what onlookers described as “really girlie legs.”

Copyright 2009 The Ass Press.