Festivus

The Opposite of Festivus

The Opposite of Festivus

December 23 is the magical holiday of Festivus. I celebrated much more quietly than previous years. Over the past 10 years I’ve hosted a big annual Festivus house party in which a monumental amount of alcohol is consumed while people write grievances on whiteboards around my condo. This year, with me facing the prospect of a home […]


The 20 Best Festivus Grievances of All Time: You Decide

The 20 Best Festivus Grievances of All Time: You Decide

Right off the bat, let me tell you that you don’t have to decide the 20 best Festivus grievances of all time. We’ve already done that. Rather, we need you to pick the top 3. Employing the expertise of a team of Festivus specialists trained in the foothills of Manhattan, we’ve created a list of […]


The Top 10 Festivus Grievances of 2013

The Top 10 Festivus Grievances of 2013

Ending our week-long list of grievances is this year’s Top 10. A big thanks to Josh for ranking these. May the crowd be in your favor. 10. When people walk at an intersection even though the walk light isn’t on. I need to make my turn! 9. That Breaking Bad didn’t end with the FBI giving Walter […]


Top Festivus Grievances of 2013: 11-20

Top Festivus Grievances of 2013: 11-20

We’re close to this year’s top Festivus grievances thanks to Bryce’s contribution yesterday. 11-20 were ranked by the illustrious Leo, who–true fact–was an extra in the movie Lincoln. As the thesbian he is, Leo added a few comments in brackets to these grievances. 20. Ambiguous relationship statuses. (someone added: It’s complicated.) [Leo: It’s all about the addition. Too […]


Top Festivus Grievances of 2013: 21-30

Top Festivus Grievances of 2013: 21-30

After we kicked off this year’s ranking yesterday, we’re back with 21-30. These were hand-selected by my friend Bryce. Caution: There is some slightly adult language among these grievances–words like “penis” and “pee pee.” These are not Bryce’s words. Rather, these are the words of slightly drunk Festivus party attendees. On to the grievances! 30. […]


Top Festivus Grievances of 2013: 31-40

Top Festivus Grievances of 2013: 31-40

It’s time for my annual ranking of the top grievances proposed at my Festivus party. Technically it’s not my ranking, as I wrote a number of the 71 grievances myself. Instead I sent that list of grievances to 4 of the funniest people I know who weren’t at the party due to excuses like “living […]


Top 10 Festivus Pet Pleases

Top 10 Festivus Pet Pleases

The true spirit of Festivus is grieving, not talking about what you’re thankful for. And trust me, there was plenty of grieving last night–my panel of judges will soon be reviewing the grievances for the Top 40 list. But in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I devoted a small section of the whiteboard to pet pleases […]


Festivus Cometh Early

Festivus Cometh Early

For the last 10 years, I’ve hosted a Festivus party in December. For those of you who didn’t watch TV in the 90s, Festivus is a made-up holiday featured on one episode of Seinfeld. According to George Costanza, Festivus features three traditions: A Festivus pole unadorned with any decorations or ornaments An airing of grievances […]


Your Favorite Drunk Food

Your Favorite Drunk Food

Take a minute and think back to when you were young, virile, and social. Back when your metabolism was spectacular. Your 23-year-old self. You’re out at a bar with friends. You’ve had a few drinks, not enough to impede you in any way, but enough that you’re being bolder than usual with a cute girl […]


Top 10 Festivus Grievances of 2012

Top 10 Festivus Grievances of 2012

31-40 here 21-30 here 11-20 here The day has come. Thanks to the illustrious Leo, we have our top 10 rankings for 2012 Festivus grievances. What do you think? Do you grieve as these people grieved? Did you make the top 10? Leo has a number of comments that he added in [brackets]. 10. Predictive […]


Top Festivus Grievances of 2012: 11-20

Top Festivus Grievances of 2012: 11-20

31-40 here 21-30 here We’re getting close now…so close, in fact, that I’m going to post a special Friday edition of the blog tomorrow night with the Top 10. For now, Gabby graciously offered us his insight into the Top 20: 20. People speak in abbreviations. Perf. (The words “peeps” and “abbrevs” are written in […]


Top Festivus Grievances of 2012: 21-30

Top Festivus Grievances of 2012: 21-30

31-40 grievances here. The infamous Bryce kindly took the time to rank Festivus grievances 21-30. Read the following to grieve with us: 30. Twilight. Period. Bad writing Bad role models for teenage girls. And since when do vampires sparkle. (Followed by: Team Edward!) 29. Theme parties that make you feel sad that no one has […]


Top Festivus Grievances of 2012: 31-40

Top Festivus Grievances of 2012: 31-40

Every year I host a big Festivus house party in celebration of the Seinfeld tradition. There is a Festivus pole, plenty of Seinfeld-themed snacks, a feat of strength (a drinking game)…and grievances. People write their funny grievances from that year on two giant whiteboards on my wall. After the party, I jot down all grievances […]


Festivus 2012 Pet Pleases

Festivus 2012 Pet Pleases

I haven’t received the Festivus rankings from my impartial voters yet, but I do have something to share with you today. By Trev’s suggestion, I added a slim column to my Festivus grievance whiteboards for pet pleases. I know, it goes against the spirit of Festivus, but I like the idea that even on a […]


Which Ugly Tie Should I Wear at My Festivus Party?

Which Ugly Tie Should I Wear at My Festivus Party?

My annual Festivus party is coming up this Saturday, so what does that mean for you? Well, next week’s blog is going to be filled with funny grievances. If you have anything to grieve about in a witty way, feel free to send your grievances to me or post them in the comments here so […]


How to Throw an Epic Party

How to Throw an Epic Party

Every year for the last 9 years, I’ve thrown a Festivus party in December (we’re coming up on #9). And every year I try to do something to top the previous year’s party. Last year was probably the biggest jump over any previous year because I not only added a VIP room to the event, […]


Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 1-10

Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 1-10

Here we are, the day of days. It all comes down to this. Thousands of behavioral psychologists have spent the last 72 hours poring over millions of grievances to determine the Top 10 based on humor, truthiness, and topicality, and in the end, my friend Neeraja had the dubious distinction of ranking them. Drumroll please… […]


Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 11-20

Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 11-20

We’re so close to the Top 10! Bryce had the dubious job of selecting the Top 10 through his Top 20 choices, even though it will be Neeraja who ranks them tomorrow. 20. The lack of book covers on e-readers: Can’t we see what trash you’re really reading? 19. People who constantly talk about their […]


Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 21-30

Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 21-30

Today’s grievance rankings are brought to you from Gabby over in DC: 30. Any item of clothing that requires ironing. Seriously, it’s 2011—everything should be wrinkle-free by now. 29. English has no word equivalent to Krummspeck (“grief bacon” in German). 28. Being accused of giving someone “a look.” 27. Q-tips, according to “doctors,” are really […]


Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 31-40

Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 31-40

The countdown begins. This year I slightly changed things up in three specific ways: In past years, people have written down their grievances at my Festivus party on pieces of paper scattered throughout my condo. This year, thanks to my Whiteyboard (it’s a brand name, not racial commentary) and a white board borrow from work, […]


Festivus Vlog: The Aftermath

Festivus Vlog: The Aftermath

On Saturday, I held my eighth annual Festivus party, this one with a trashy/classy theme. Although my mullet never really filled in to the point of being recognizable, I dressed half and half for the theme. I went into this party with the mentality that it might be the last big Festivus party I hold. […]


The Top Festivus Grievances of 2010: 1-10

The Top Festivus Grievances of 2010: 1-10

I just realized that I haven’t been giving all of the judges credit for all the hard work, the hours of research, the sweat and blood they lost while ranking the top 40 Festivus grievances of 2010. Leo took care of 31-40. Josh then handled 21-30. Gabby stepped in and did a great job with […]


Top Festivus Grievances of 2010: 11-20

Top Festivus Grievances of 2010: 11-20

20. The phrase, “It is what it is.” 19. Non-foaming hand soap—You think I have the time or energy to make you foam? 18. Bread = good. Bread + butter = great. Bread ‘n Butter pickles? = Taste like feet. 17. Mothballs! Not quite as tasty as gumballs. 16. East. Always a sunrise, never a […]


Top Festivus Grievances of 2010: 21-30

Top Festivus Grievances of 2010: 21-30

30. People who live on the third floor and take the elevator…seriously? 29. People who pay for diet pills with cash and bacon and butter with food stamps. 28. Being so positive that I can’t think of any damn grievances. 27. People who discuss their children’s intimate secrets health details on Facebook. I don’t need […]