Best. Prank. Ever.
I love a good prank. By that I mean: An element of misdirection. An element of confusion. No hurt feelings or physical pain. No major inconvenience. Here’s an example of a good prank I pulled a few years ago. But read on, because here’s an example of a great prank pulled on me last week. [...]
Google Books to Continue Scanning the World’s Printed Material with Personal Journals, Diaries
FRANKFURT, Germany (AP) – Eight years after Google initiated its Google Books project for the purpose of making the world’s books searchable in a giant online “library,” the tech conglomerate announced today that it would be expanding its capacity to include private journals and diaries, including yours. Google Library Search, as it was originally called, [...]
Swedish Director of Original “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Film to Remake American Version
STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) - Niels Arden Oplev, director of the 2009 Swedish film “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,” announced today that he was going to remake the 2011 American remake of his film back in the original Swedish. “Specifically,” he clarified from his perch on a fjord, “I’m going to remake the novelization of the [...]
I Lived Through the Floods of Dublin: A Survivor’s True Tale of Survival Against All Odds
(This blog entry was found among the debris in the Irish Sea after the floods of Dublin on 23-24 October 2011. This entry is repeated verbatim minus pictures, because they’re mostly naked pictures of Jamey, and no one wants to see that.) It began with a single drop of rain. I had gone my first [...]
The Outlaw of St. Louis: A Survivor’s True Tale of Survival Against All Odds
Today, for the first time ever, I was pulled over by the police while driving. This is my story. I was driving back from brunch–something I’m guessing most rebels do on Sunday–when a police car pulled behind me, its lights flashing red and blue. Although I knew I could outrun it in my ’03 Camry, [...]
Milkmen Have It Rough
“Is it his baby…or is it the milkman’s?” Show of hands among the ladies: How many of you have given birth to a baby that you told your husband was his, but it was actually the milkman’s? As often as that phrase is used, you’d think that there would be milkman babies all over the [...]
Are Birds and Bees the Best Sexual Examples for Teaching Kids?
I learned what sex was from an eighth grader on the school bus (I was in seventh grade). When he described it to me, I simply didn’t believe him. I was sure that sex didn’t involve any physical contact. That just didn’t make sense. Every day, thousands of children are subjected to the infamous “birds and the [...]
Management Tactic #58: A Modest Proposal
I have a proposal for maximizing efficiency and productivity. I would suggest that all workplaces enact this policy, effective immediately. The average American worker spends 27 minutes in the bathroom a day (Stegmaier 2011). Not only are workers moving bowels and excreting liquids, they are washing hands, examining blemishes in the mirror, and adjusting their [...]
Clean Plate Club to Close Memberships
EVANSTON, Illinois (AP) – In a long-expected announcement on Wednesday night after dinner, the Clean Plate Club officially closed memberships for what officials called “the foreseeable future.” The CPC, established in 1780 as a way for frustrated parents to incentivize their children to eat everything on their plate, has a membership of over 3 billion. [...]
I Lived Through 45 Minutes of Sub-Zero Temperatures: A Survivor’s True Tale of Survival Against All Odds
This happened when I was home for Christmas. Being home this past weekend triggered the memory, not unlike how a car backfiring triggers flashbacks among war veterans. I was young and bright-eyed once, back in the winter of ’10. An optimistic boy making my way in the world. I was back in the heartland of [...]
The Great Debate: Saving Lives vs. Sweet Tea
On Saturday, I went to donate blood for the third time this year. I was on a hot streak–I was 8 for 8 on blood-giving since I started doing it in ’09. Then my world came crashing down. After two needle pricks, it was determined that my blood was low in iron. Too low to [...]
The Breakdance Story
I used to be a breakdancer. Thirteen years ago when I was entering college, I was a terrible dancer. To most people that wouldn’t be an issue. But my perception of college was that dancing would be really important. I envisioned an ongoing series of dance parties–both frat and ballroom–and possibly a number of West-Side-Story-style [...]
Ben Is the Cutest Creature Alive! (Out of 27 Contestants)
We have a winner. Dominating the finale with 104 votes to Llewelyn’s 69, Ben has won the first-ever Tournament of Cuteness. Congratulations to Ben! So in the end, a baby beats all the cute cats and dogs. I’m not sure if there’s a lesson in that. If Llewelyn would have dressed up in a rumpled [...]
I Lived Through Four Days Without Hot Water: A Survivor’s True Tale of Survival Against All Odds
Day 1 It begins. It is Saturday, March 19, 2011. I wake up. I eat oatmeal. I answer e-mail. It is then that I receive the text from my neighbor: “Do you have hot water? I’m wonder if it’s just me!” I check the water. It is cold, cold as the killing fields. Cold as [...]
“Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty” Archrival Expresses Regret, Disappointment
PHOENIX, Arizona (AP) – At his 100th birthday party, Jim Faust, the man who coined the term “Lefty Inflexy, Righty Wobbly” expressed his disappointment that things didn’t turn out differently. “Hudson has something I didn’t,” said Faust, referring to archrival inventor Hudson Sear. “That beautiful face. That damn beautiful face.” Faust and Sear were fierce [...]
Texts from My Roommate
I’ve lived with my roommate, Jess, for over two months now. She’s a great roommate, and I’ve discovered that one of her special abilities is that she composes hilarious texts. By that I don’t mean that Jess texts a lot and mixes in some humor. I mean that Jess carefully composes the majority of her [...]
Mom Stories: Part 1
One of the most endearing, loving, and amusing things my mother does is overprepare me for travel abroad. It all started back in 2001 when I was headed to Kyoto for the year. Concerned about the quality of the water in Japan (a first-world country where people don’t, contrary to popular belief, drink unfiltered toilet [...]
The Canoe Story
Many moons ago, back in the days when there were such things as “summer breaks,” I went canoeing with my friends Trevor and Chris on a tiny river in Virginia. When I say “tiny,” I mean tiny. It was but a stone’s throw from one side to the other (distance in backwoods Virginia is measured [...]
Valentine’s Day: Twilight Special
For having lived together for just over a month, my roommate and I have talked about Twilight surprisingly often. Even more surprising is that I’ve never read the Twilight books, nor do I plan to. But they make excellent conversation fodder. Jess (roommate) revealed to me that after making fun of Twilight for a while, [...]
What Happened Here?
I came back from a New Year’s party to find this in my parking lot (I waited until daylight to take the photo): I’m somewhat amused, but mostly horrified and curious about this. First, whatever happened, I hope no one got hurt. Second, what happened?! My best guess is that this person hit something on [...]
Ohio State Trounced by Little Sisters of the Poor in Bowl Warmup
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) – In an astounding upset, the Ohio State University football team was defeated by the Little Sisters of the Poor’s club team 57-3 in a bowl warmup game. The game was scheduled as a friendly match following OSU president E. Gordon Gee’s comments in November comparing Boise State University and Texas Christian [...]
Pizza Hut Launches New “Krusts 4 Kids” Program
DALLAS, Texas (AP) – In a much-anticipated announcement on Thursday, Pizza Hut announced that it would launch a new initiative geared towards infants just in time for the holidays. “Krusts 4 Kids,” as the program is dubbed, is a recycling program for uneaten pizza crusts. Instead of throwing away discarded crusts, Pizza Hut will repackage [...]
The Cat Litter Study
Last week on poker night, I mentioned to the guys that I had signed up for a cat litter study. I’d go to a marketing firm’s testing facility, smell and look at some cat litter, and get paid $40 for half an hour of time. Easy money. One of the guys joked that it would [...]
The Top Festivus Grievances of 2010: 1-10
I just realized that I haven’t been giving all of the judges credit for all the hard work, the hours of research, the sweat and blood they lost while ranking the top 40 Festivus grievances of 2010. Leo took care of 31-40. Josh then handled 21-30. Gabby stepped in and did a great job with [...]
