I learned about this rule about a year ago when I revealed to a friend–we’ll call her Emily–that I was waffling over a skinny tie that I wanted. I rarely buy clothes, and I didn’t need a tie, but  I thought it looked awesome. It was about $17.

That’s when Emily told me about the $20 rule. And thus I became the proud owner of a skinny tie.

To be clear, this rule should not devalue a $20 bill. $20 can go a long way. It can feed you for a week if you only eat peanut butter and jelly and cereal. But if you’re at a point in your life when you could lose a $20 bill and not even notice, this rule applies to you.

Here are a few recent applications of the rule for me:

• A few months ago, a cousin asked me to donate to his Relay for Life run. If a random person I barely knew contacted me, sure, I probably would delete the e-mail. But he’s family, and I donated without a second thought.
• A month ago, I saw that Bonnie Raitt had a new CD coming out. My parents listened to Raitt a lot when us kids were growing up, so I bought them the CD on the spot.
• A week ago, a very good friend–we’ll call him Trev–told me that he had heard good things about a book that just came out, and he bought both of us a copy to read and discuss. How cool is that? Amazon even makes this easy by giving you free shipping on orders over $25. The next time you buy a book, buy it twice–once for you, and once for a friend who you know will want to talk about it with you.
• Just today, a former high school classmate that I barely know launched a Kickstarter campaign for his video game company. I don’t even play video games (other than iPhone/iPad games), but $15 is nothing. I want my former classmates to succeed, all of them. Kickstarter is particularly dangerous for the $20 rule, by the way, but it feels good to go on there every once in a while and chip in a couple of dollars to help someone on their passion project.

Do you ascribe to the $20 rule? Or perhaps do you have your own rule for impulse spending that you abide by?

Famous Introvert #1

I’m an introvert. Myers-Briggs tells me that I’m a very low introvert, but I think that’s because I’ve learned to cope with some social situations. Otherwise I fully embrace my introversion.

How do you know if you’re an introvert? If you are deflated by being around lots of people, you’re an introvert. If you’re energized by being alone, you’re an introvert. If you can be by yourself and not feel alone, you’re probably an introvert. It doesn’t mean that introverts don’t enjoy being around people sometimes, and it doesn’t mean that extroverts don’t need some alone time, but think about the next three nights: Would you rather spend them alone or with groups of people? Therein lies your answer.

Even though introverts prefer alone time or small-group discussions with no small talk, there are times when it’s important that introverts attend large social events. Happy hours, parties, conferences, mixers, etc. And what do we do? All too often we simply don’t attend. We dread these events and know we won’t have fun, and we’re probably right.

But sometimes we need to attend such events to advance our career, our social life, or our networks. Thus I’ve been working on a list of ways to help make these events easier for us introverts to attend. I hope it helps, and if you have any specific tips to add, please add them in the comments.

1. 

   Famous Introvert #2

   Come prepared with two conversation starters and one great story. Some default conversation starters of mine are pets, travel, food/restaurants, sports, and weekend activities. They generally get people talking, which takes the pressure off you. But you should also be prepared with one really good story to tell. Something inclusive, funny, and recent. Don’t wait until the party to think of the story–come prepared with it.

2. Wear a conversation topic. Conversation isn’t the issue here–conversational ability has nothing to do with being an introvert or extrovert. However, one key area in which introverts struggle is initiating conversation. So make it easier for people to approach you by wearing a conversation topic. Whether it’s a funny statement on your name tag, a school mascot on a tie, a distinct skirt or shirt, carefully choose what you wear to social events so people have a great excuse to approach you.
3. BYOE (Bring Your Own Extrovert). You don’t have to attend these events alone. If you’re single like me, that can sometimes be a struggle, but here’s the thing: We all have extroverted friends, and they love social events. You’re not inconveniencing them by inviting them along.
4. Find a job to do. When an introvert scans a crowd, he sees a lot of people having a great time who are completely uninterested in talking to him. We know it’s not true, but it’s what we see and feel in that moment. So instead of standing there feeling helpless, empower yourself by finding a way to help out with the party. That’s a good way to break the ice of entering a social event, which is probably the thing I dread most. (If it’s not an event where you’re able to help, head for the bar. It’s not the alcohol that matters all that much–it’s the sanctity of having a defined destination in a room full of variables.)
5. Find an extrovert you know and get them talking. I’ve done this countless times at open houses and holiday parties at work. Whenever I need a break from the energy suck of small talk, I find a talkative extrovert and ask them a few questions. 10 minutes later, I’m recharged and ready for more small talk.
6. 

   Famous Introvert #3

   Find an introvert and engage them. You’re never the only introvert at a gathering. When you enter a room, look for the people standing by themselves. They might be over near the food. Chat with them for a little bit, but beware of the clingy introvert. You don’t want to be stuck talking to the same person the whole night if you’re trying to get something out of the social event.

7. Think of yourself as the host. Step away from your anxiety and apprehension by giving yourself the mission of making sure other people have a good time. One easy way to do this is introduce people to one another.
8. Power pose. Simply holding your body in expansive, “high-power” poses–such as standing with legs spread and hands on hips–for as little as 2 minutes stimulates higher levels of testosterone and lower levels of cortisol. Physiologically, you will feel more confident and powerful standing in that position. You’ll need that confidence boost at a social event.
9. Take a bathroom break. Even when a social event is going really well, an introvert’s energy is slowly draining the entire time. So about an hour and a half into an event, take a bathroom break to recharge. Soak in the solitude for a few minutes and return the the event with renewed vigor.
10. Reward yourself. This is a little behavioral economics trick. Identify a few things you love and only let yourself have them after you take the risk of attending a social event. Not only will you attend more events if you stick to it, but you’ll begin to associate the positive feelings you have for the treats with social events in general.

And yet many people–among them a number of managers–get it backwards.

We criticize our peers in front of others so that we can feel powerful. We may not realize it, but we do. Maybe it’s a know-it-all comment about a friend’s misuse of grammar in a small group. Maybe it’s a snide remark at your spouse’s expense at a dinner party. Or maybe it’s a critical statement about an employee’s work at a staff meeting.

You could have just as easily waited for the group to disperse or the dinner party to end or the meeting to adjourn. But no, you chose that moment to come across as intelligent, witty, or authoritative. You pushed compassion aside and felt powerful for a few minutes.

Let’s all agree to stop doing this.

Unfortunately, all too often we praise people in private instead of in front of their peers. Perhaps we feel like we’re losing power when we do that, or maybe we’re just not accustomed to praising people at all. Which is really unfortunate.

The next time you catch yourself criticizing publicly or praising privately (or not at all, even though praise is deserved), hold your tongue. You can be a better person than that.

This doesn’t mean you can’t be a powerful person. But if you want honest, moral power that lasts, do it by being really good at what you do. Do it by being articulate and an effective listener. Do it by mediating and preventing conflict. Do it by criticizing people one-on-one so that they have a chance to grow, and do it by praising people publicly so that they have their accomplishments affirmed.

When was the last time you were criticized publicly? How did it feel?

It would be inappropriate for me to go into details, but basically, a coworker and I disagreed about a certain type of publicity we were doing. I thought the existing Option A was the right way to go, and my coworker thought that the new Option B was better. We were at an impasse.

Sometimes it takes an extreme reaction to snap out of a bad situation. It suddenly hit me that I was raising my voice. I rarely raise my voice, even in the most heated of arguments.

The second I realized I was raising my voice, I snapped out of it. I realized: This is not a big deal. This is not a life or death, make or break situation (very few situations are). Absolutely nothing would be lost in trying out my coworker’s idea.

So I turned to my coworker and said, “Let’s try it. I don’t agree with you, but let’s try your idea for a few weeks. We’ll see how it works out, and if it doesn’t, we’ll switch back to Option A.”

Instantly the air was cleared, and we switched to Option B.

Sometimes we’re so caught up in the idea of how right we are that we shut out the mere possibility that there might be a better idea. Whether it’s ego or conviction or control, we all have this thing inside of us that says “no” all too quickly.

Here’s the kicker: You’re probably right, and the other person is probably wrong. But is it really worth fighting over? Is the world going to end if you try out their idea for a little bit? 99% of the time, everything’s going to be fine. And if they really are wrong, the only way they’re going to realize it is if they get to try out their idea.

When is the last time that you saw something like this happen?

• Those who think the world is out to get them every step of the way, and those who never have that thought cross their mind.
• Those who like surprises, and those who don’t.
• Those who laugh at every joke, and those who are selective with their laughter.
• Those who are always thinking about life, and those who simply experience it.
• Those who are happy where they are, and those who always want to find someplace (or someone) better.
• Those who can admit when they’re wrong, and those who can’t.
• Those who preheat, and those who don’t.
• Those who love the Duke basketball team, and those who rejoice when they lose.

What type of person do you choose to be?

Over the past few months, I’ve seen the number of varied requests for my feedback increase significantly. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe because I’m putting the offer out there more often.

I’ve given people feedback on relationships and dating, on applications and resumes, on online dating profiles, on blogs and novels, on event planning and fundraising. For many of those, I spend hours offering advice or even completely rewriting documents for the person. I genuinely enjoy sharing my thoughts and (hopefully) helping people, so if any of those apply to you, feel free to email me at jamey.stegmaier@gmail.com.

That said, as much as I enjoy giving feedback, I’ve noticed a few patterns that I have a feeling are quite common in the world of feedback and advice. So I’d like to propose three universal rules for asking for and receiving feedback:

1. 

   Dude, I applaud that you embrace your dorkiness and don't hide it, but you need to ask for feedback about your online dating profile.

   Decide if You Want Feedback or Just Someone to Listen: This is a really important distinction to figure out and communicate before you go to someone for advice. If you’re not ready to act on feedback you receive, don’t ask for it. Just tell the person that you need someone to listen to you. I actually wonder about this a lot when people ask me for help on their online dating profile. Do you really want my advice, or do you just need to vent for a minute about how frustrating dating can be? You taking 3 seconds to figure out what you want can save me 30 minutes of rewriting your personal summary.

2. Report Back to the Feedbacker. When you ask someone for feedback, you’re under no obligation to follow their advice, but you do need to follow up with them afterwards to let them know which parts of the advice you used and how it went. This lets the feedbacker know that the time they spent was worth it, and it gives them the opportunity to learn from your experience. I’d say that 90% of the time, I never hear back from someone after I give them feedback. I’ve found that I’m no better at this than anyone else, but I’m aware of it, and I’m working on it. It’s the same level of courtesy as sending a thank-you note.
3. If You Choose Not to Follow Their Feedback the First Time and Your Solution Doesn’t Work, Try Their Solution. Just do it. Try it. If you value the person’s time and advice, follow their feedback and see if it works. Then report back to them. And if you asked that person just to listen to you the first time, the next time you go to them about the same situation, it’s time for you to ask for their advice and to act on it. Friends are not therapists.

What’s your experience with giving and receiving advice? In which areas do you feel that you give particularly good feedback?

We all have these days. I don’t care how optimistic and carefree of a person you are–every once in a while you’re going to have a rough, stressful day at the office. I’d say I have about 6 of these a year.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Here’s what I do when I have one of those days:

1. If it’s a day when I can play pick-up soccer after work, I do everything possible to make that happen. Different forms of exercise might work for different people, and that’s the one that does it for me.
2. After work, I call one of my funniest friends and chat for about 15-20 minutes. I don’t vent, I don’t complain, I just laugh and joke around.

I’m sure everyone has some sort of physical outlet like #1. But #2 is more nuanced–I mean precisely what I say there, for several different reasons:

• As Emma over at Laughter in the Lou will tell you, laughter literally is the best medicine (okay, maybe penicillin is the best medicine. But laughter is pretty awesome too). It feels good to laugh. It relieves stress. It gets your mind off of whatever was bothering you.
• It’s key that you share this laughter with someone. Watching a funny YouTube video is nice, but you will never feel funny because you watch a funny YouTube video. Choose a friend who makes you funnier than you usually are, and you’ll walk away with the satisfaction of making someone else laugh.
• A recent study showed that you actually feel significantly better after a rough day if you distract yourself (or let someone else distract you) instead of venting. This may seem counterintuitive, like you’re avoiding the issue, but it’s scientific! It must be true. I think if there’s something that happened at work that you truly need to process, wait until after the stress is off your shoulders to deal with it in a healthy, productive way. For now, just distract yourself with laughter.

I’m sure there are many other ways to relieve yourself of the stress of a bad day at work. What do you recommend?

For the past few months, I’ve been trying to formulate the common traits that successful people seem to embody regardless of the type of success. I think I have them figured out, and there are seven of them.

In this new series on the blog, I’m going to tell the stories of people (some who I know well, others who I don’t) who I consider highly successful in some area of their life, and I’m going to go through each of the seven traits for those people. I think we all have a lot to learn from these people. (If you have anyone you’d like to recommend for this series, please contact me at jamey.stegmaier@gmail.com.)

The John Donovan Story

In a way, John inspired this series. He’s a friend of mine who has gone through an incredible and inspiring physical transformation over the last year, and his story is worth sharing. Here’s John a year ago (this was taken before a year ago, but this is how he looked a year ago):

I’ve known John for about 8 years, and this is how I’ve always known him in terms of looks. Beyond that, John is quick-witted, extremely loyal, and an truly good-hearted person. His family’s heritage is Irish, and John embraces that heritage well beyond St. Patrick’s Day.

Here’s what John looks like today:

Again, this is about more than looks, but I wanted to start off with the physical transformation. Now let’s tell John’s story through the seven traits I mentioned above.

Courageous: It takes a lot of courage to admit to yourself that you aren’t who you want to be. A person can either structure their life around their limitations, or they can take control of their limitations and build the life they want. John is the latter type of person.

Even at 271 pounds, John wasn’t unhealthy in that he gorged on mountains of junk food.  But in retrospect, he realizes that he didn’t understand the relationship between the food that he ate and the shape of his body.  His physical activity was social, including some club sports.  But the recreational drinking associated with these clubs nullified much of the physical benefits of his activity.

But nonetheless, here he was, 6 months from his 30th birthday, and John knew he was overweight at 271 pounds. How did he know? Part of it was his big-picture perspective that his body and his lifestyle had shaped his body into something that was limited in the tasks it could perform. As John said in our interview, “[When playing pickup sports], usually I’d play a position that didn’t require me to run quickly or for an extended period. I didn’t want to set world records for speed. But I did want to be able to fly comfortably in an economy seat.”

The kicker came last January when John sat down on a friend’s porch swing and tore it right out of ceiling from which it was suspended. John could have blamed the ceiling or the swing, but instead he had the courage to realize that he was ready to make a change.

Action Oriented: Anyone can come up with a great idea or dream big. Successful people actually act on those ideas and dreams. And they don’t act a year from now or a month from now–they act today.

It’s worth mentioning that people can be action oriented in selective parts of their life, rather than their life as a whole.  John didn’t get a promotion and increase his net worth at the same time that he decided to go through this physical transformation. But he decided that action needed to be taken to improve himself physically.

John had tried to lose weight in the past and had been somewhat successful, but he hadn’t been able to keep off that weight. He knew he had to do something different this time.

So he called a gym and set up an appointment with weight-loss coach Charles D’Angelo. Charles had come highly recommended by a friend whose diabetic father had lost 100 pounds in the past year thanks to Charles’ guidance.

John says that aside from consulting with a coach, getting a gym membership this time was a big step. It was a new commitment, a key action in process of getting healthy. I doubt John will ever forget his first workout after getting guidance from Charles. Here’s a photo from right afterwards:

Focused: Early on, John set a goal and stuck with it. He wanted to weigh 200 pounds on his 30th birthday. John never took his sights off that goal, but he helped motivate himself with smaller goals. He had a new target weigh every 2 weeks.

Setting these smaller goals that would pave the way to achieving the overall goal is very important to this process.  Failing to meet one smaller goal was not catastrophic.   But failing to meet a few small goals over time meant a trend, and that new action would be needed to get back on track.

Devoted: Being focused is about the vision. Being devoted involves a willingness to carry out that vision, no matter the sacrifice. It’s a mindset that can be extremely difficult to achieve, but I think that’s simply how John’s brain works. He’s a creature of habit. So when he focused on his goals, he was devoted to the task at hand by sticking to the rules and guidelines that his coach gave him.

In a vacuum, devotion is a lot easier than real life. Without distractions, you could work out all day (think prison). But John wasn’t attempting his transformation in a vacuum. He had to deal with the challenges of seeing his friends go out for drinks or to a restaurant or seeing coworkers chow down on birthday cake every few days.

And yet John stayed utterly devoted to achieving his goals. I honestly don’t know if this is an innate trait or one that you can adopt–I think John is one of the fortunate few who have it in their DNA.

Patient: You can’t expect meaningful results overnight, not with anything. When you launch a new business, you’re not going to be a millionaire overnight. When you get married, you won’t have the perfect marriage from day 1. The same happens when you try to transform your health–it takes time.

Because there wasn’t much of a learning curve for John, it wasn’t long before he saw results. He lost 15 lbs in the first two weeks.  But every week didn’t see the same results.  He stayed focused and devoted to his goals whether nine pounds or four pounds.

Passionate: Passion doesn’t just ignite new projects and goals. In fact, a lot of people have that type of passion. Think about the last time you got excited about something big and didn’t follow through? I do that all the time.

The type of passion that truly successful people have is lasting passion. John has it. He reached his goal of 200 pounds in late May, but he still saw some things that he wanted to work on. He had the passion to keep going, to continue to move towards optimal health.

I’ve heard from a lot of people that one of the hardest things about losing weight is maintaining a healthy body after you’re reached your goal. John’s been working on that for over three months now, and he says he’s still learning. He says he’s like a colt talking his first steps in his new body.

And he’s not done. This surprised and really impressed me (it’s from the interview). John said, “I’ve never run a mile. So I’d like to run a 5K around April.” Becoming successful isn’t a one-time deal if you truly have that passion for the heart of what you’re trying to do.

Absorbent: The final category has to do with one’s willingness to absorb and remain open to new information. It takes a special talent to truly do this.

Honestly, I went into the interview with John with a goal in mind–after seeing what John did, I wanted to spread the message that anyone can make a significant change in their life merely by putting in the time and energy.

I no longer think that’s true.

I think that John is the type of person who can put his mind to something, stick with it, and achieve results. I don’t think everyone is like that. I think the key is that John opened himself up to new possibilities that he had never considered before. I’ve seen this absorbent nature in John for more than just becoming healthy–he embraces knowledge in many areas of his life.

As John says, “I didn’t use a quick fix, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any out there, especially if you only want to drop 10 or 15 pounds. But there is value in sweat equity. Because I had to sacrifice to get it, I think I value the change more than if I had taken a magic pill.”

I think that sums up the difference between John and most other people. And I don’t mean to slight or discourage the general populace. But think about one thing in your life you’d like to significantly change, whether it be your health, your wealth, your relationship status, anything. Would you rather work  at that thing for the next 6-12 months, putting in a ton of time or energy, or would you swallow the magic pill if you could achieve your goal instantly without any effort? I know I’d take the magic pill for most things.

But I also know that I wouldn’t take the magic pill for a few specific things, and that’s a sign that those are the things that I might care enough about to actually succeed in. I think that’s a good meter of success.

John, you’ve inspired and impressed me. Thank you for sharing your story with me and my readers, and I look forward to seeing your other successes–health and otherwise–in the future.

1. Crunchy foods help keep your mind awake, as do spicy foods. I’d particularly suggest baby carrots since you typically don’t eat much healthy food on road trips.
2. I would pay double for fast drive-thru food on road trips if there were healthier, organic options available. I still like burgers and chicken tenders on the road, but I don’t want processed crap, and I’m willing to pay for it if it’s fast.
3. Idea: Drive-thru restaurants where you get your gas pumped while you wait in line for your food.
4. I unabashedly unbuckle and unzip my pants during long road trips. You don’t realize how constricting your pants are until you undo them. I also tend to wear my oldest jeans since they’ll end up serving napkin double-duty during the drive.
5. I’ve discovered the key to taking fewer bathroom breaks is to take longer bathroom breaks. Don’t rush them. Pee, then simmer down for a 15 seconds, and then pee again. It’s almost as if you have two separate bladder–the first is immediate relief, and the other is long-term storage. Empty both of them.
6. The hands-down scariest vehicle to see on the road is a stormchaser van.
7. My number one new tip is that you should get some stand-up comedy CDs for the ride. They’ll jolt you awake and keep you that way for a full hour. My favorite from my recent trip was Aziz Ansari (you can borrow mine if you know me). Buy them used on Amazon. I tried to find a Netflix for comedy CDs, but there is no such thing. You could make tens of dollars if you started one of your own!

What tips would you add to this list?

I held this 5-day-old baby! And I didn't even drop her!

I’ve been away from the blog the past few days (and last week) at a family reunion and a separate soccer tournament back in Virginia. It was a good trip, one that involved some quality soccer with old teammates (some of whom were much heavier than the last time I saw them), good family time with my dad’s side of the family, an interesting adoption discussion with a fellow adopted child and two adoptive mothers, multiple kisses from my grandmother, the good fortune of holding not one but two very little babies (not at the same time), and the scariest drive back to St. Louis I’ve ever experienced. If you heard about gale-force winds in Indiana, Kentucky, and Illinois today, I drove through them.

I observed something about people this weekend while being surrounded by 40 family members that I wanted to share here. I hope this doesn’t come across as preachy. And obviously I love my family very much.

But they don’t ask many questions. And the questions they ask aren’t very good.

For the most part, this isn’t an issue. In fact, I doubt many people notice it at all, because I belong to a Stegmaier family of talkers (so is my mom’s side). But even in a family of talkers, I think you lose something when no one is asking questions.

When you’re at an event like that, pretty much the only questions you hear are “What are you doing now?” and the even more generic “How’s life?” Is that the best people can do? Aren’t people more curious than that? What does it say about mankind’s search of knowledge if the best question we can think of is, “How are things?”

I want to know what people are reading, what their pets are like, what they do in their free time that is completely different than what I do in my free time. I want to know what people are thinking about, what they get excited about, what makes them tick.

And I’m not saying that I want more serious discussions. There are always plenty of serious political discussions at these family reunions. But they’re essentially just a serious of statements pasted together, declarations for all to admire. Why not replace some of them with a shared curiosity for our fellow man? Some sort of acknowledgment that people lead completely different lives than ours and that we don’t already know everything about them.

I don’t just see this lack of good questions within my family–I see it at work, on dates, and with some friends. It’s everywhere.

So try this today: Think of one really unique question and ask it to someone you see all the time. Ask them something new, and learn something about them. It can be outlandish, but it doesn’t need to be outlandish for outlandish’s sake. Just ask an interesting question that you genuinely want to learn the answer to, not because you want to share your answer. In fact, don’t even think about your answer.

Have you experienced this? Are you intentional about asking good questions?