Contrivance #11: Friends with ‘Fros
Today I was watching the 49ers decide that they had no interest in going to the Super Bowl when I noticed a person in two different commercials who seemed familiar. Rather, he was a type of person, not the same exact person. The type of guy I saw in both commercials was a guy with [...]
Would You Let Your Child Attend Hogwarts?
The other day I watched a terrible movie called Percy Jackson & the Lightning Thief. It’s essentially Harry Potter with Greek mythology. In Percy Jackson’s world, the equivalent of Hogwarts (don’t worry, I’ll get to Hogwarts in a minute) is something called Camp Halfblood, where teenagers spend all day clashing swords and shooting bows and [...]
My Favorite Movies of 2011
Out of the 68 movies I watched for the first time in 2011, there were quite a few 4-star movies (out of 5), but very few 4.5s and 5s. I’ve listed those top movies below. Midnight in Paris: The whimsy of this movie delighted me from the first scene to the last, and the theme [...]
The IMAX Virgin
Today I watched my first movie on a giant, curved IMAX screen. I’ll give you 3 choices as to the movie I saw: a. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked b. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 c. Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol The answer, clearly, is that the first two were sold out, so I [...]
Contrivance #10: Single Adults
Have you noticed that all single adults–especially those 30 and over–are portrayed as unsuccessful? I started thinking about this while watching that terrible movie Young Adult. In the movie, Charlize Theron is a successful writer (albeit a ghost writer, but successful nonetheless). But the movie portrays the successful people as those who had settled down [...]
Contrivance #9: Walking Away in the Middle of the Conversation
Trev sent this contrivance to me a while ago, and I’m going to reprint it verbatim since he said it so well (with paragraph breaks for added drama): In TV and movies, scenes always end with one person walking out of the room or just not saying somethng important. This NEVER happens in real life. [...]
Contrivance #8: Transparent Computer Screens in the Future
Have you ever noticed that all computer screens in the future are transparent? Explain to me the logic in this. Why on earth are transparent computer screens considered better technological design than current computer screens? Here’s how I see it: The only benefit to having a transparent screen is that people on the other side [...]
Contrivance #7: Bad Boys
A few weeks ago when I started the movie contrivance series, two readers (I can’t remember who now) wrote in with two contrivances about bad boys: Girl meets guy, girl instantly takes a dislike to guy. Guy does not change and continues to infuriate girl until suddenly girl realised she is in love with said [...]
Contrivance #6: Public Fountains
A few months ago, I got a text from a friend in my neighborhood. “Bob and I are going to splash around in the public fountain. U in?” she wrote. I texted back. “I wouldn’t step foot in those syringe-filled waters if you paid me.” Obviously there probably aren’t fresh needles festering in the fountain [...]
8 Fall Movies to Get Excited About
Drive (Sept. 16): I don’t think I’ve seen a movie look this cool in a long time. Real Steel (Oct. 7): I’m a sucker for robots fighting each other. Tower Heist (Nov. 4): I’m also a sucker for a big heist film ala Ocean’s 11. A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (Nov. 4): Name [...]
Contrivance #5: Men Talking Nose-to-Nose
Take a second to think about your last face-to-face interaction with a human being. How far away was your face from their face? Five feet? Seven feet? If you lived in the movies, your face would have been less than a foot from your conversation partner. If it was a heated discussion, your noses may [...]
Contrivance #4: Before the Plane Departs
Warning: I’m going to stomp on sacred ground in a few paragraphs. That’s right. I’m going to badmouth Friends. But before I get there, let’s talk about Garden State and She’s Out of My League and any movie where the protagonist makes a last-second dash to the airport to tell the girl he loves her. [...]
Contrivance #3: Stop the Wedding!
If I had a nickle for every time I waited until the last minute to tell a woman I love her while she stood in front of hundreds of people at her wedding… This happens in movies all the time. The most recent example I can think of (although I’m sure there are others) is [...]
Contrivance #2: Clearing a Desk for Sex
I promise that not all of these contrivances will be sexual. But this one is worth mentioning. In movies and TV shows, people are constantly swiping everything off their desk to clear a path for sex. Doesn’t matter what’s on the desk–computer, coffee mugs, pencil holders, important documents–everything ends up on the floor. It’s meant [...]
Contrivance #1: Pre-Sex Presenting
This is a first in a new series on this blog that I’m calling Contrivances. It will consist of tropes and cliches that occur in movies, books, songs, etc that don’t make sense because they never, ever happen in real life. Feel free to submit any that you notice to me at jamey.stegmaier@gmail.com. The other [...]
Would You Appear Naked on TV?
I mentioned last week that I’ve been watching this show called True Blood. I also saw a movie called Friends with Benefits this past weekend. The common theme between the two? Both have nudity. The nudity in the movie was brief–a quick glimpse of some buttocks. In True Blood, there’s full nudity–mostly female, but some [...]
Super 8: How Early Should You Reveal the Monster?
I had the pleasure of seeing a sneak preview of J. J. Abrams’ movie Super 8 this weekend. This is a completely spoiler-free blog entry that touches on that movie a little bit. In monster movies, how early should you reveal the monster? Just to get you in the mindset of monster movies, here are [...]
8 Ideas for Movie Theaters of the Future
In the spirit of the Academy Awards, as well as an article in EW Magazine (not to be confused with Nickelodeon’s Eww Magazine), I have some ideas I’d like to suggest for movie theaters of the future. Some of these can be combined, while others won’t work with one another. Assigned seats. When you go [...]
Exit Through the Gift Shop
Today I want to talk about a movie that you probably haven’t heard of, a documentary called Exit Through the Gift Shop. A movie that you need to see. The movie consists of a decent amount of footage from a French guy named Tierry who decides to document the secret subculture of street artists (think [...]
My Favorite Movies of 2010
Last year was a pretty weak year for movies, so instead of writing a 2009 list, I had a Best of the Decade list. This year we’re back in business. Five movies received the coveted 5-Star Stegmaier rating, and several others (Inception and How to Train Your Dragon) came very close. Here’s are my five [...]
The Movies That Move You
I really want to settle down into bed with Mockingjay (Kindle edition!), so fortunately my friend Ariel had a blog entry/contest for me to post today: I love the collective gasp of the crowd when the actor rounds the corner during a chase scene and is confronted by a giant alien – or really any [...]
The Coolest Movie Theater Ever
I don’t go to movies at AMC theaters in St. Louis. There’s nothing particularly wrong with the theaters. They usually have big, comfortable seats and stadium seating. The biggest issue I have is that their popcorn is terrible, and I’m a popcorn guy. So the independent chains get my money. However, I saw a movie [...]
How I Saw Every Summer Movie in One Day
Lately I’ve been yearning for someone who gets as excited about movies as I do. The trend seems to be that I get excited about a movie, no one else expresses enthusiasm, and I save it to my Netflix queue for 6 months down the road. However, I really like seeing movies on the big [...]
I Am Iron Man 2
Two years ago, I wrote an entry on this blog (complete with photos) about the sheer joy I experienced while watching the first Iron Man movie. It was such a revelation to have a superhero movie come together that well. Thus I was incredibly excited about Iron Man 2: The Ironing. I eagerly awaited each [...]
