My Greatest Fear

My Greatest Fear #39: Doing the One Thing You Absolutely Must Not Do

My Greatest Fear #39: Doing the One Thing You Absolutely Must Not Do

The cup of urine stared at me. I stared back. I knew I was moments away from drinking it. Let’s back up a little. On my recent post about beautiful places in the world, I mentioned the sensation you get when you’re on top of a tall building or cliff and you know that the […]


My Greatest Fear #38: Staining My Dress Pants the Day After I Get Them Back from the Dry Cleaners

My Greatest Fear #38: Staining My Dress Pants the Day After I Get Them Back from the Dry Cleaners

Confession: I don’t go to the dry cleaners all that often. I wash my other clothes on a regular basis, but for some reason it rarely occurs to me that my dress pants–which I wear several times a week–can get dirty. But they do. And then they smell of farts. Despite knowing that, usually the […]


My Greatest Fear #37: Passing Out from Exhaust Fumes While Cleaning Snow Off My Car

Last Saturday night, it snowed in St. Louis. I woke up Sunday morning to find my car covered with about 4 inches of powder. As I was brushing snow off my car (I brush ALL of the snow off my car, even the hood and roof. I’m always worried that if I leave any of […]


My Greatest Fear #36: That the Awesome Guest Star Won’t Become a Series Regular

My Greatest Fear #36: That the Awesome Guest Star Won't Become a Series Regular

Recently, something terrible happened on New Girl. Olivia Munn left the show. Granted, she was only in three episodes, but I love me some Olivia Munn, so to add her to one of my favorite shows made me a very, very happy man. But I was also a nervous wreck during those episodes, because I […]


My Greatest Fear #35: That the Laptop Is Still on After You Close It

My Greatest Fear #35: That the Laptop Is Still on After You Close It

The way laptops should work (and 99% of the time, this is how theydo work) is when you close them, they go to sleep, and when you shut them down and close them, they do indeed shut down. But every once in a while, that’s not what happens. Instead, the screen stays on and overheats the whole machine. […]


My Greatest Fear #34: Getting Stuck with a Full Bladder

My Greatest Fear #34: Getting Stuck with a Full Bladder

A few years ago, I was on a flight back to St. Louis. I kind of had to go to the bathroom just before we started our descent, but I was in a good plane-coma state, so I decided to wait until we arrived to use the more spacious airport bathrooms. Big mistake. We ended […]


My Greatest Fear #33: That I Can Smell Toxic Odorless Gases and I’M SMELLING ONE RIGHT NOW

My Greatest Fear #33: That I Can Smell Toxic Odorless Gases and I’M SMELLING ONE RIGHT NOW

Sorry about the all-caps in the title there, folks. I can’t bold or italicize in the entry title. I have what scientists call a “fairly keen sense of smell.” I wonder if people who get migraines have heightened senses, because when I used to get migraines, the slightest foul odor from 50+ feet away would […]


My Greatest Fear #32: Drowning in My Sleep

My Greatest Fear #32: Drowning in My Sleep

People do weird things in their sleep, don’t they? When I was a young boy, I used to sleepwalk when I had to go to the bathroom. My parents once found me climbing up a bookshelf; they always asked me what I was doing. I think that time I explained to them that I was […]


My Greatest Fear #31: Causing a Car Accident with a Sneeze

My Greatest Fear #31: Causing a Car Accident with a Sneeze

I’m surprised the human race has survived despite the bodily function we call sneezing. When you sneeze, you project your innards at 100 mph into the surrounding air. We’re talking about a force so strong that it’s physically impossible to keep your eyes open when it happens. How are there not more sneezing-related injuries? And I’m […]


My Greatest Fear #30: Spraying Myself in the Eyes with PAM

My Greatest Fear #30: Spraying Myself in the Eyes with PAM

Every two weeks, I make chocolate-chip pancakes on the weekend. I’ve done this every 2-3 weekends for the past 4 years. I love chocolate-chip pancakes (semi-sweet chips, mind you), but I don’t want to burn myself out on them by having them every week. And I never want to go more than 3 weeks without […]


My Greatest Fear #29: Accidentally Dialing 9-1-1

My Greatest Fear #29: Accidentally Dialing 9-1-1

I’m not sure if other people had the 911 talk with their parents when they were kids. Nor am I sure that my talk went anything like the following. In fact, I’m pretty sure it didn’t. But this is the impression it made on me: Dad: Jamey, your mom and I need to talk to […]


My Greatest Fear #28: Spitting My Drink All Over a Date

My Greatest Fear #28: Spitting My Drink All Over a Date

I’ll start off by saying that like all of my greatest fears, this has never happened. I’m sorry to disappoint. But it COULD happen. On a date the other day, it occurred to me that this fear has come to mind on many dates. I’ll be taking a sip of water or beer, and suddenly […]


Your Greatest Fear #27: Trash-Talking After Butt-Dialing

Your Greatest Fear #27: Trash-Talking After Butt-Dialing

Today’s guest blog is brought to you by blog visitor, beta reader extraordinaire, and Blank Slate Press selection committee member Ansley. She has a very specific fear to share with you today that I’m going to add to my coda of greatest fears. I have some pretty wacky fears. (Insert horse picture here.) (Insert clown […]


My Greatest Fear #26: Pulling a “Memento”

My Greatest Fear #26: Pulling a "Memento"

If you haven’t seen the movie Memento, please stop reading and watch the movie. Back already? Good. In Memento, a character has a memory disorder that causes memories to fade after a few minutes. His wife realizes that he’s not faking the disorder when she asks him to administer her daily insulin shot time every few […]


My Greatest Fear #25: The Key Breaking Off in the Lock

My Greatest Fear #25: The Key Breaking Off in the Lock

I have never had a key break off in the lock, and yet the possibility of it happening crosses my mind at least once a week. I’m not even sure why I think this is a thing that can happen. I’m sure it happened once in a movie I saw in my formative years (ages […]


My Greatest Fear #24: Dropping a Baby

My Greatest Fear #24: Dropping a Baby

Over Christmas break, I went to see my good friend Bryce, his wife Jody, and their adorable baby Claire. At least, I think their baby is named Claire. At my age, everyone has a baby, and their names all run together. Let’s go with Claire, but it could just as easily be Felicity, Emily, or […]


My Greatest Fear #23: Losing My Dry Cleaning Ticket

My Greatest Fear #23: Losing My Dry Cleaning Ticket

I took some pants to the dry cleaners last Wednesday, and I was given a pink pickup ticket for Friday evening. I’m sure you’ve done this before. If you’re like me, you guard that ticket with your life. I’ve played through the scenario in which I show up to pick up my dry cleaning without […]


My Greatest Fear #22: Garbage Bins

My Greatest Fear #22: Garbage Bins

Every week or so, I take a detour in my parking lot as I leave the building in the morning. I drag a trash bag full of cat poop, orange-mango-pineapple juice containers, and other assorted items to the garbage bin. I always make sure to put my keys in my pocket before taking this journey, […]


My Greatest Fear #21: Chemical Explosions

My Greatest Fear #21: Chemical Explosions

Remember the original Batman movie? Back before Batman movies were good? In the movie, The Joker (Jack Nicholson, in a role that people called “not as good as Heath Ledger”) devises a plan to infect the chemicals in commonly used cosmetic products. If used alone, the products have no negative reaction. But when they’re combined, […]


My Greatest Fear #20: Dead Arms

My Greatest Fear #20: Dead Arms

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find that you can’t feel one of your arms? Inevitably, your arm starts to tingle and it wakes up as circulation resumes. But what if it doesn’t wake up? What if it’s been without circulation for too long and it has died? These are the questions […]


My Greatest Fear #19: Broken Glass in Restaurants

My Greatest Fear #19: Broken Glass in Restaurants

There’s something you should know about ordering drinks with ice at restaurants (that includes you, Liz Lemon, drinker of white wine Sprite spritzers on ice): You might be drinking shards of ice. True story. You see, when you send a waiter to fetch you a glass of water (especially if you say it as I […]


My Greatest Fear #18: The Sky Is Falling

My Greatest Fear #18: The Sky Is Falling

When I bought my Camry four years ago, I was delighted to find that it had a moonroof. “Perfect,” I thought. “Now I can drive through the country on summer nights with friends, admiring the star-filled sky through my moonroof.” That’s the dream, right? However, very rarely have I actually used the moonroof, much less […]


My Greatest Fear #16

My Greatest Fear #16

Fall is a time for face paint. Every week, thousands of college football fans paint their faces with their teams’ colors. NFL fans do the same. And in a few days, men and women around the country will smear on face and body paint. They’ll walk around looking creepy when they smile from the contrast […]


My Greatest Fear #15

My Greatest Fear #15

My Greatest Fear #15: Accidentally putting something on my toothbrush that is not toothpaste. And then trying to brush my teeth with it. Has this ever happened? No. Not once. Not to me, at least. But like any American, I have a number of random tubes of gels and ointments in my bathroom. There may […]