Newsflash

Sources Confirm My New Nephew Has 10 Toes

Sources Confirm My New Nephew Has 10 Toes

RICHMOND, Virginia (AP) – After much deliberation, sources confirmed today that my new nephew, James, has 10 toes. After exiting the womb of my sister on Friday, a number of photos were taken of James. As members of the press quickly noticed, none of the photos included his toes. “We were pretty busy holding James […]


Ford Announces 2037 Explorer

Ford Announces 2037 Explorer

DEARBORN, MI (AP) – Following its August 2013 release of its 2014 Explorer, Ford proceeded to announce an entire line of cars dating through 2037. “With increased competition from other companies announcing their next-year models earlier and earlier into the previous year, we determined that the best strategy for the Ford Explorer brand is to […]


Senator Ends Record Filibuster on the Filibuster Decision

Senator Ends Record Filibuster on the Filibuster Decision

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – With many pressing issues like the economy, sustainable energy, health care, immigration rights, gun reform, and marriage equality on the minds of millions of Americans, the US Senate has opted instead to focus on an issue that impacts hundreds of US citizens every day: Senate filibuster rules. With his head held […]


Facebook Announces That You Can Now Like Likes

Facebook Announces That You Can Now Like Likes

MENLO PARK, California (AP) – In a widely anticipated development today, Facebook announced that users will now be able to Like Likes, the popular form of showing agreement on the #2 website in the world. “For years now, Liking something on Facebook has been the way to say, ‘I like this, but not enough to […]


Tim Tebow, Motivational Speaker

Tim Tebow, Motivational Speaker

A few years ago, I applauded Tim Tebow for his charitable work despite my view of him as an overrated quarterback (look how that turned out). I’m sure he’s a very nice guy, and I really do think highly of celebrities who use their wealth and fame to improve the world. That said, I’m hoping […]


Lionsgate Announces “Totino’s Party Pizza Hunger Games” Reality Show

Lionsgate Announces "Totino's Party Pizza Hunger Games" Reality Show

HOLLYWOOD, California (AP) – Following the fastest box-office ascent to $251 million domestically for a non-sequel, Lionsgate Entertainment announced a reality-show spinoff for The Hunger Games set to premier in fall ’12. Although the show will not include any death or violence, it will otherwise follow the model of the competition described Suzanne Collins’ breakout YA […]


NewsFlash: jameystegmaier.com to Partner with Depends

NewsFlash: jameystegmaier.com to Partner with Depends

How many times have you been at a baseball game, having a great time, and just as things start to heat up, you have to go to the bathroom? By the time you get back from the crowded, dirty restroom, the home team has hit several grand slams and your girlfriend is making out with […]


Google Books to Continue Scanning the World’s Printed Material with Personal Journals, Diaries

Google Books to Continue Scanning the World's Printed Material with Personal Journals, Diaries

FRANKFURT, Germany (AP) – Eight years after Google initiated its Google Books project for the purpose of making the world’s books searchable in a giant online “library,” the tech conglomerate announced today that it would be expanding its capacity to include private journals and diaries, including yours. Google Library Search, as it was originally called, […]


Swedish Director of Original “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Film to Remake American Version

Swedish Director of Original "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" Film to Remake American Version

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) – Niels Arden Oplev, director of the 2009 Swedish film “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,” announced today that he was going to remake the 2011 American remake of his film back in the original Swedish. “Specifically,” he clarified from his perch on a fjord, “I’m going to remake the novelization of the […]


Netflix to Buy US Postal Service

Netflix to Buy US Postal Service

LOS GATOS, California (AP) – In a long-overdue move on Monday, Netflix announced that it would purchase the US Postal Service for $6 billion cash and unlimited movie rentals for a year. Tech bloggers are calling the highly-touted new service “Netflix for mail.” Despite widespread speculation that the move would drastically change the USPS’s core […]


Clean Plate Club to Close Memberships

Clean Plate Club to Close Memberships

EVANSTON, Illinois (AP) – In a long-expected announcement on Wednesday night after dinner, the Clean Plate Club officially closed memberships for what officials called “the foreseeable future.” The CPC, established in 1780 as a way for frustrated parents to incentivize their children to eat everything on their plate, has a membership of over 3 billion. […]


Bronx Zoo to Let One Animal Escape Each Month

Bronx Zoo to Let One Animal Escape Each Month

NEW YORK, New York (AP) – Riding on their recent wave of fame involving a cobra on the loose, the Bronx Zoo has decided to allow one animal to escape each month. “We’ll keep going until we second-guess ourselves,” said zoo warden James Partizzi. The idea was recommended by the publicity firm Starks & Harrison, […]


Local Man to Bake Himself into Pretzel, Live There

Local Man to Bake Himself into Pretzel, Live There

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) – Following a series of food-related housing proclamations at the Soulard farmer’s market, a local man has decided to bake himself into a soft pretzels and live there from now on. Jamey Stegmaier, 30, went to to the farmers market “for the first time in a while” this weekend. While perusing […]


Special Announcement: jameystegmaier.com Is Going Public!

Special Announcement: jameystegmaier.com Is Going Public!

I have some big news. jameystegmaier.com is going public! That’s right. After years of private investments, several reportedly valued at over $15 million, this blog has filed for an IPO. With over 1,300 employees worldwide, this was bound to happen at some point. But it wasn’t until the fourth round of investment, including cash infusions […]


“Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty” Archrival Expresses Regret, Disappointment

"Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty" Archrival Expresses Regret, Disappointment

PHOENIX, Arizona (AP) – At his 100th birthday party, Jim Faust, the man who coined the term “Lefty Inflexy, Righty Wobbly” expressed his disappointment that things didn’t turn out differently. “Hudson has something I didn’t,” said Faust, referring to archrival inventor Hudson Sear. “That beautiful face. That damn beautiful face.” Faust and Sear were fierce […]


Ohio State Trounced by Little Sisters of the Poor in Bowl Warmup

Ohio State Trounced by Little Sisters of the Poor in Bowl Warmup

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) – In an astounding upset, the Ohio State University football team was defeated by the Little Sisters of the Poor’s club team 57-3 in a bowl warmup game. The game was scheduled as a friendly match following OSU president E. Gordon Gee’s comments in November comparing Boise State University and Texas Christian […]


Pizza Hut Launches New “Krusts 4 Kids” Program

Pizza Hut Launches New "Krusts 4 Kids" Program

DALLAS, Texas (AP) – In a much-anticipated announcement on Thursday, Pizza Hut announced that it would launch a new initiative geared towards infants just in time for the holidays. “Krusts 4 Kids,” as the program is dubbed, is a recycling program for uneaten pizza crusts. Instead of throwing away discarded crusts, Pizza Hut will repackage […]


New Zealand to Rest of World: “We’re Not Middle Earth”

New Zealand to Rest of World: "We're Not Middle Earth"

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) – In a long-expected move, the New Zealand Parliament voted unanimously to spend $50 million (NZD) on a marketing campaign to clarify to foreigners that the country is not, in fact, the same as Middle Earth. Following the vote, foreign affairs spokesperson James Radcliffe noted the country has “complete respect” for the movie […]


The Last Chocolate Factory

The Last Chocolate Factory

I received some devastating news today. If mankind continues consuming chocolate at the rate we’re currently on, in 20 years, chocolate will be too expensive for the average person to afford. I’m the average person. That’s me. This is terrible. The obvious solution is that the rest of you should stop eating chocolate immediately so […]


Cats Show Up in Record Numbers to Vote Against Puppy Mill Bill

Cats Show Up in Record Numbers to Vote Against Puppy Mill Bill

ST. LOUIS, Missouri  (AP) – Registered feline voters appeared in droves to vote against the controversial Proposition B, which, if passed, would have imposed strict, pro-dog  guidelines upon in-state breeders. “The more dogs locked up in constricting 2 x 4 containers, the better,” said Cat Alliance spokesperson Mittens McWhiskers, referring to the clause that would […]


Cleveland Clinic to Move to Miami

Cleveland Clinic to Move to Miami

CLEVELAND, Ohio (AP) – The renowned Cleveland Clinic, one of the top teaching hospitals in the country, has decided to relocate to Miami. The move is effective immediately, with the doors in Miami opening for the busy fall season. The move was announced Tuesday night during a special television event on PBS dubbed “The Conclusion.” […]


Obama Wins Additional Nobel Prizes

Obama Wins Additional Nobel Prizes

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) – A few days after receiving the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize, President Obama was awarded his second, third, and fourth Nobel prizes over the Columbus Day weekend. Obama told reporters that he was “shocked, humble, and inspired” by himself. In addition to the Peace prize, Obama will receive Nobel prizes in Economics, […]


St. Louis Mayor Decides City Will "Go French," Switch to Euro

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) – In an effort to improve the appeal of the Gateway City, Mayor Francis Slay announced today that St. Louis will return to its French roots “across the spectrum.” “Today we tip our hats to Louis Joliet and Jacques Marquette, discovers of this great land. Merci!”, said the mayor on Monday, […]


Entourage's Sloan to Be the New Face of Sloan-Kettering Memorial Hospital

NEW YORK, New York (AP) – Actress Emmanuelle Chriqui, known as her portrayal of “Sloan,” E’s girlfriend, on HBO’s hit show Entourage, will be the new face of the Sloan-Kettering Memorial Hospital, officials announced today. The hospital, referred to as Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center (MSKCC) in medical journals, is starting a 3-year campaign that promotes […]