Newsflash

Red Cross and Twilight Partner for New Campaign

Red Cross and Twilight Partner for New Campaign

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – The American Red Cross announced Wednesday that they would be partnering with the producers of the hit series Twilight for their new anemia awareness campaign. Red Cross Marketing Director Pamela Pherson and Summit Entertainment’s Nicholas Trelp inked a 3-year deal that will tie at least two Twilight movie sequels to the […]


Newsflash: Watched Pot Boils in Area Home

Newsflash: Watched Pot Boils in Area Home

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) – Eloise Bermann has been cooking her trademark chicken noodle soup for 43 years. Yesterday, February 16, 2009, she witnessed a watched pot boiling for the first time. “I turned on my show,” she said, referring to Dallas, “but I had already seen the episode. So I started watching the stovepot. […]


Newsflash: Local Man Tries to Grow "Cool" Beard, Fails

Newsflash: Local Man Tries to Grow "Cool" Beard, Fails

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — Over the long MLK weekend, Central West End resident Jamey Stegmaier tried to grow a beard. After 3 days of not shaving, with no visible results, Stegmaier gave up. “Everybody else has one of those stupid beards,” he said to reporters gathered outside his condo. “I¬†thought, you know, how hard […]


Newsflash: Local Man Eats 4-Year-Old Frozen Lasagna for Dinner

Newsflash: Local Man Eats 4-Year-Old Frozen Lasagna for Dinner

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — There comes a point in every man’s life when he needs to make a choice. A choice to eat the last thing in his freezer. On Monday, January 26, Trevor MacDougall made that choice. MacDougall arrived home just before 6:30 in the evening. He immediately walked over to the freezer, […]


Newsflash: Jamey Stegmaier Announces He'll Never Run for Public Office

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — In a sparsely¬†attended press conference Monday, Jamey Stegmaier (cat, Camry, and home owner) announced that he will not be running for public office. Ever. “Never say ‘ever’,” Stegmaier read from his statement. The move contradicts earlier speculation that he might someday consider running for public office, or at least that […]


Newsflash: Amy Grant in the News

HARLEM, New York (AP): Heralded Christian singer Amy Grant announced today that she will be releasing her latest album, Amy Grant’s Sportz Jamz, prior to the start of the men’s NCAA March Madness tournament. “Amy Grant loves God,” said Grant’s publicist, Jesus Martinez. “And God loves 65-team bracketed tournaments.” The CD will join a growing […]


Newsflash: Hubble: Still Out There

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida (AP) — Today it was confirmed by an elite team of scientists at NASA that yes, Hubble is still out there. “Who knew?” said astophysicist Ted Kerplucken. “I sure as hell didn’t.” Hubble, which was originally launched on April 24, 1990, has apparently been taking photos for over 18 years. “Really?” said […]


Newsflash: Obama Selects Area Kitten for Cabinet

ST LOUIS, Missouri (AP) — Local kitten Biddy Stegmaier (I) has been offered the position of Secretary of Pinning Sheets to the Bed, an Obama insider says. Pending an official background check, Biddy will be sworn in with the rest of the cabinet on January 2o. “[Biddy] has the experience necessary for this job,” says […]