In one corner we have Ben, who rode through the gauntlet of the original Tournament of Cuteness like Benjamin Button on a horse made of regrets and seedy bars.

In the other we have Charlotte, who, although her path to greatness was but a single poll, we can all agree deserves to be here. She wants nothing more than to be your Valentine.

Leave your kittens and puppies at home. Nobody puts babies in the corner.

This is for pride. For legacy. For eternal adorableness.

This is the Hunger Games of cuteness. This is the Mortal Kombat of cuteness. The Grand Prix of cuteness. The Super Bowl, World Series, and Whatever Hockey Has of cuteness.

Your vote matters (until Sunday at 10:00 CST). Choose wisely. Let the games begin. And get your Tournament of Awkwardness photos in while you still have time.

Ben

Charlotte

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You have until Thursday evening at 8:00 pm CST to vote, and then I’m going to pit the winner of this mini-tournament against the winner of last year’s tournament for a weekend-long battle royale.

Please only vote once, but you can solicit votes for your favorite.

Also, I keep forgetting to post this: I wrote a guest post for a foodie blog the other day. If you love fried chicken, I think you’ll enjoy this post.

Bailey

Charlotte

Mortimer

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I’d also ask that you give Joey a chance. Sure, the show was written to emotionally drive us towards (spoiler alert!) the inevitable Ross and Rachel reunion, but does that make it right? Or were we falsely manipulated?

I would contend that we were. The writers of the show made us feel like Ross and Rachel should be together thanks to a string of dramatic moments, breakups and reunions. But really, let’s look at what’s behind those moments:

1. Ross pines for Rachel. Early on, Ross pines for Rachel a lot. Rachel is out of his league. So naturally, as viewers we root for the underdog. But just because someone pines for someone else doesn’t mean that they deserve them. That’s why stalkers are weird.
2. Rachel chooses Ross (early on) for no reason other than the fact that he likes her. There’s a beautiful moment on Friends when Rachel watches a  video from high school prom night when Ross, on a moment’s notice, gets dressed to be Rachel’s date because hers has ditched her. The date shows up at the last minute, Rachel prances away, and Ross looks dejected. Back in real time, Rachel sees the gesture and kisses Ross. It’s awesome. But think about it–did Rachel develop feelings for Ross at that moment? Before that she never batted an eye at him. Suddenly she sees that he cares, and so she likes him. It’s human nature to like those who like us. But real relationships go way deeper than that.
3. Ross chooses Rachel for no other reason than she’s hot. It’s unfortunate, but it’s true. Show me the qualities that Ross sees in Rachel. Ross, although a bit particular, is good at heart. He cares about the people around him. He sacrifices for them. He’s also extremely intelligent. Rachel, on the other hand, is extremely self-centered, selfish, and kind of a doof (that’s a new word meaning “dumb goof”). She grows up a bit, especially when she has the baby, but what does Ross see in Rachel? Why doesn’t he see beyond the hotness to her selfishness? Quite frankly, she doesn’t deserve him. 
4. They’re never happy together. This is a biggie, and one that the show cleverly manuvers around. You see, as viewers we like drama. Until Jim and Pam came along, we didn’t know that we could be so happy watching a couple simply be…happy. There is not a single episode of Friends when Ross and Rachel are together that they are not fighting or lying to one another. And more often than not, they’re breaking up, trying to get back together, or admitting they have feelings but doing nothing about it yet. If Ross and Rachel are meant to be, shouldn’t they have sustained something real and wonderful for at least a few episodes?

I simply don’t see compelling evidence that Ross and Rachel were “meant to be.” Now for the second part of my argument: Why Rachel and Joey are a much better pair.

1. Their personalities are a much better fit. Using my word from above, they’re both kind of doofs. Rachel is a waitress for several seasons; Joey is a struggling actor. Rachel eventually (and somehow miraculously–what, exactly, are her qualifications) gets a grown-up job at Ralph Lauren, and Joey eventually becomes a marginally successful actor. They evolve. But at heart they’re still doofs, and we love them for it. Also, they are both quite confident sexually (at least we are told). Strictly in terms of who they are, they make a great couple.
2. Joey is good for Rachel; Rachel is good for Joey. At a certain point, Rachel has matured past Joey’s man-boy lifestyle, so she has something to teach Joey about love, relationships, and personal development. Joey, in turn, adds levity, humor, and compassion to Rachel’s sharp, selfish persona. They have real ways that they can grow with and challenge each other.
3. They are happy together. Rachel and Ross just fought all the time. Rachel and Joey actually get along! Why is this so overlooked?! Joey even proposes to Rachel at some point (or he gets ready to propose? I can’t remember) simply so she can have someone by her side to raise the baby.

Granted, I’ll contend that after writing about Ross and Rachel for 10 seasons, the writers had to let Ross and Rachel end up together. But I’m saying that they shouldn’t have spoonfed that love story when there was a much better one to be told. If Rachel and Joey were real people, they would unquestionably be the better fit.

What do you think? Obviously I’m open to your thoughts. And if you just want to cast a vote and walk away, please do so in the poll below.

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If you could take a pill that would let you get the equivalent of 8 hours of sleep a night even though you actually sleep only 4 hours, but each pill would reduce the overall length of your life by 4 hours, would you take the pill on occasion?

The pros: You’re alive now–why not enjoy more of every day now? Sure, you might live to a ripe old age, but you could also get hit by a Mini Cooper tomorrow and die early. Plus, you’re young. You can do things now that you won’t be able to do when you’re 70. So why not enjoy extended youthful days? Surely your old self won’t begrudge you. And it’s not like you have to take the pill every day. You can take it whenever you want.

The cons: You like sleep–why would you try to reduce it? Plus, who knows what the pill is doing to your body? After all, it’s literally cutting chunks off your life. It’s not like cigarettes, which just increase the probability of early death. By taking the pill, you are guaranteeing that you will die early. I certainly think it’s an interesting concept, one that probably isn’t beyond science.

Sleep fascinates me. We spend nearly a third of our lives just laying in bed not doing anything–think about that! Think about how much time that is–if you live until you’re 90, you’ll spend nearly 30 years of your life asleep. Seems like an awful waste of time. And yet without sleep, we can’t operate properly. We need it. But that’s not to say that we couldn’t truncate it with a sleep pill. Would you take it?

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If you’re reading this, you didn’t get raptured on Saturday. If you’re anything like me, you were sitting around with friends at a BBQ, enjoying the breeze and the chirping of crickets and frogs (or whatever chirps here in St. Louis. Mosquitos? Clydesdales?), not waiting to get beamed up to heaven.

But perhaps you were talking about the rapture. Or the absurdity that most Americans knew about a random prophecy by some crazy dude. Why is that guy’s prophecy any more newsworthy than prophecies from street drunks and your crazy uncle?

It sure made for good conversation. And so I ask you this: Say that you found yourself being raptured on Saturday. You’re on your way to heaven or whatever glittery afterlife you believe in, but you look to your left and realize that your significant other isn’t with you. He/she didn’t make the cut.

So you’re given a choice: You can continue with your rapture, or you can go back down to your loved one’s side and endure hell on earth with him/her (I think that’s what happens after the rapture. Hell comes to earth in the form of earthquakes and spider monkeys and demon beasts). What do you choose?

Just as nature intended it.

In one corner we have Ben, who, with a whopping 152 votes, eclipsed the juggernaut that was Tessi. Ben is adorable, overworked, and delightfully frumpy.

In the other corner we have Llewelyn, whose name I can’t seem to ever get right, and it might not be right here. In the tournament’s closest finish, Llewelyn nudged his Corgi nose just past Mario. I’ve actually had the pleasure of meeting Llewelyn, and I can confirm that he’s cuddly and playful and very cute.

Given Ben’s overwhelming victory in the last contest, he is the clear favorite. But can the masses resist those huge puppy eyes? We’ll see.

Cast your votes (one per person) by Wednesday, March 30 at 10:00 pm. I will announce the winner with much pomp and circumstance  on March 31st. As noted in the original blog entry, the winner will receive Angel Baked Cookies, a limited-edition ARC of Blank Slate Press’s The Samaritan ($4.99 Kindle edition here), and I’ll throw in some treats for the baby/dog. After all, they’re the ones carrying the weight around here.

Ben

Llewelyn

Mario: Mario loves the snow and loves to eat snow. Mario will snow plow his face across the ground to get a mouthful of snow and when he raises his head he’ll have a little mound of snow right on his snout. Hilarious since it stands out so much from his fur.

Llewyln

Mario

For the final matchups, I asked the contestants’ owners/parents to write about something really cute that their pet/baby does or has done. Please take these descriptions into consideration as you deliberate.

Tessi: It’s hilarious -and cute- when Tessie plays with ice cubes.  Her favorites are these little ones I have that are the size of a gumdrop.  She gets the ice cube in her mouth and in one motion she hops and flings it in the air, ears a flappin’!  When it lands, she hops on top of it and bats it around with her paws, making the cube skitter across the floor.  Then she chases it and flings it again.  She loves to fling it in in the corner where it can make noise hitting the walls and the floor.   My heart melts as the ice cube melts…every time.

Ben: Ben and I were driving to my Aunt’s last Friday for pizza when “Ice, Ice Baby” by none other than Vanilla Ice came on the radio.  I turned it up a little bit and said “Ben, this is one of Momma’s favorite songs”.  I started singing and doing the “raise the roof” move. After a couple of minutes of looking at me like I was insane Ben joined in.  He started to sing, well okay – rap – the chorus with me and do his dance.  Which is comparable to Albert Brennaman’s “making the pizza” move in Hitch. So funny!  All weekend he would randomly stop, start dancing and with a huge smile on his face start rapping “Ice, ice baby”.  I wish I could have gotten that on video!

Tessi

Ben

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See all of the past entries for the Tournament of Cuteness.

I’ve picked a few of these texts to share with you here. They’re not really out of context, since most of these simply appeared on my phone out of the blue without any pretext. The only thing that you need to know is that Jess is an actress, and much of her acting right now is for children at St. Louis-area schools.

• Called a little boy “her” this morning. Kid was SO pretty–I would have made the same mistake ten out of ten times.
• “Did you guys put plastic on your lips before you kissed?” “Nope.” “EW!!!”
• (during a first date with some dude): “Can I skip this part? I literally just got a lecture about how bitchy women are to each other.
• If you’re asking me, I’d love something that ends with “boobaloo.” (okay, that one is out of context, but it’s funnier that way)

And for good measure, my favorite text exchange with Jess (she was out of town for this exchange. If you live in St. Louis, you’ll remember this as the night that a tornado came through the area):

Jess: I may be a TAD hungover tomorrow. Whoops.

Jamey: Awesome . Tornado here.

Jess: A lot of cats I take it?”

Jamey (too tired and scared of the tornado to explain that there was actually a tornado in the area): Many many cats.

Jess (10 hours later): Also–You meant a LITERAL tornado. I assume you and Biddy are still alive?

On to the Tournament of Cuteness! I think this may be the toughest matchup so far for the entire competition.

Freaky

Jamey

Llewyln

Now, as a mature, full-size, adult man, I have a big glass of chocolate milk with dinner. I’ve become quite partial to the malt-flavored Hershey’s syrup. It’s like a little sip of the ’50s, every day.

I greatly enjoy these glasses of milk. But by far my favorite is when there isn’t enough syrup to squeeze out of the bottle. Perhaps you’ve encountered this. The only way to get that syrup out–there’s actually quite a bit left–is to pour milk into the bottle and give it a thorough shake.

The result is the most delicious glass of chocolate milk. It only happens once a month when the syrup runs out, so it’s a rarity, but it’s totally worth waiting for.

You’re adding “chocolate syrup” to your grocery list now, aren’t you?

On to today’s polls. Today we have our first cat-dog-human matchup of this round. Keep an eye on the comments for some more hilarious background information about Ben from Trevor (Trevor does not know Ben in real life).

Sissy

Jimmy

Ben

You can find yesterday’s poll (which is open until March 20) here.