superlatives

My Greatest Fear #33: That I Can Smell Toxic Odorless Gases and I’M SMELLING ONE RIGHT NOW

My Greatest Fear #33: That I Can Smell Toxic Odorless Gases and I’M SMELLING ONE RIGHT NOW

Sorry about the all-caps in the title there, folks. I can’t bold or italicize in the entry title. I have what scientists call a “fairly keen sense of smell.” I wonder if people who get migraines have heightened senses, because when I used to get migraines, the slightest foul odor from 50+ feet away would […]


Pet Please #73: Remembering Exactly Where You Saved an Elusive File

Pet Please #73: Remembering Exactly Where You Saved an Elusive File

When I started my job about 5 years ago, I was astonished to find that the main hub folder on our fileserver had hundreds of files in it. There were a number of folders, many of them redundant, and then a poop-ton of Word, Excel, and PDF documents. It was as if at some point […]


My Greatest Fear #32: Drowning in My Sleep

My Greatest Fear #32: Drowning in My Sleep

People do weird things in their sleep, don’t they? When I was a young boy, I used to sleepwalk when I had to go to the bathroom. My parents once found me climbing up a bookshelf; they always asked me what I was doing. I think that time I explained to them that I was […]


My Greatest Fear #31: Causing a Car Accident with a Sneeze

My Greatest Fear #31: Causing a Car Accident with a Sneeze

I’m surprised the human race has survived despite the bodily function we call sneezing. When you sneeze, you project your innards at 100 mph into the surrounding air. We’re talking about a force so strong that it’s physically impossible to keep your eyes open when it happens. How are there not more sneezing-related injuries? And I’m […]


My Greatest Fear #30: Spraying Myself in the Eyes with PAM

My Greatest Fear #30: Spraying Myself in the Eyes with PAM

Every two weeks, I make chocolate-chip pancakes on the weekend. I’ve done this every 2-3 weekends for the past 4 years. I love chocolate-chip pancakes (semi-sweet chips, mind you), but I don’t want to burn myself out on them by having them every week. And I never want to go more than 3 weeks without […]


Best Blog Comments of July 2012

Best Blog Comments of July 2012

Thanks to everyone who contributed to the conversation that is this blog with their thoughts and insights this month. We are very, very close to our 10,000th comment here on jameystegmaier.com. We’re going to commemorate that comment (wait, why am I speaking in plural) with an in-depth analysis–yes, a full entry devoted to that one […]


My Greatest Fear #29: Accidentally Dialing 9-1-1

My Greatest Fear #29: Accidentally Dialing 9-1-1

I’m not sure if other people had the 911 talk with their parents when they were kids. Nor am I sure that my talk went anything like the following. In fact, I’m pretty sure it didn’t. But this is the impression it made on me: Dad: Jamey, your mom and I need to talk to […]


My Greatest Fear #28: Spitting My Drink All Over a Date

My Greatest Fear #28: Spitting My Drink All Over a Date

I’ll start off by saying that like all of my greatest fears, this has never happened. I’m sorry to disappoint. But it COULD happen. On a date the other day, it occurred to me that this fear has come to mind on many dates. I’ll be taking a sip of water or beer, and suddenly […]


Best Blog Comments of June 2012

Best Blog Comments of June 2012

Thanks to everyone who contributed to the conversation that is this blog with their thoughts and insights this month. Here are some of my favorite comments from June: Let’s lead off with a great customer service story from Dawn on my entry about notaries: Every Sunday I get a bagel and tea for breakfast. I […]


Best Blog Comments of May 2012

Best Blog Comments of May 2012

Thanks to everyone who contributed to the conversation that is this blog with their thoughts and insights this month. Here are some of my favorite comments from May: Josh wins the Taking Science Fiction Seriously Award for this comment on my entry about how backwards time travel doesn’t work: You seem to know an awful […]


Your Greatest Fear #27: Trash-Talking After Butt-Dialing

Your Greatest Fear #27: Trash-Talking After Butt-Dialing

Today’s guest blog is brought to you by blog visitor, beta reader extraordinaire, and Blank Slate Press selection committee member Ansley. She has a very specific fear to share with you today that I’m going to add to my coda of greatest fears. I have some pretty wacky fears. (Insert horse picture here.) (Insert clown […]


Best Blog Comments of April 2012

Best Blog Comments of April 2012

Thank you all who took the time to join the conversation this month, whether it was on the blog or in your personal life. I don’t track comments that you make about the blog in your personal life, though, so as always, I’ll be using comments from the blog to determine my favorites of April. […]


The Best Hour of Television I’ve Ever Seen

The Best Hour of Television I've Ever Seen

I’ve seen every episode of The Sopranos, Lost, The Wire, Dexter, The Walking Dead, and Game of Thrones, some of the most polished hour-long television dramas ever. That said, last night’s episode of Mad Men was the best-written scripted hour of television I’ve ever seen. Those shows all have much in common. Sure, each one […]


My Greatest Fear #26: Pulling a “Memento”

My Greatest Fear #26: Pulling a "Memento"

If you haven’t seen the movie Memento, please stop reading and watch the movie. Back already? Good. In Memento, a character has a memory disorder that causes memories to fade after a few minutes. His wife realizes that he’s not faking the disorder when she asks him to administer her daily insulin shot time every few […]


My Greatest Fear #25: The Key Breaking Off in the Lock

My Greatest Fear #25: The Key Breaking Off in the Lock

I have never had a key break off in the lock, and yet the possibility of it happening crosses my mind at least once a week. I’m not even sure why I think this is a thing that can happen. I’m sure it happened once in a movie I saw in my formative years (ages […]


My Greatest Fear #24: Dropping a Baby

My Greatest Fear #24: Dropping a Baby

Over Christmas break, I went to see my good friend Bryce, his wife Jody, and their adorable baby Claire. At least, I think their baby is named Claire. At my age, everyone has a baby, and their names all run together. Let’s go with Claire, but it could just as easily be Felicity, Emily, or […]


My Greatest Fear #23: Losing My Dry Cleaning Ticket

My Greatest Fear #23: Losing My Dry Cleaning Ticket

I took some pants to the dry cleaners last Wednesday, and I was given a pink pickup ticket for Friday evening. I’m sure you’ve done this before. If you’re like me, you guard that ticket with your life. I’ve played through the scenario in which I show up to pick up my dry cleaning without […]


My Greatest Fear #20: Dead Arms

My Greatest Fear #20: Dead Arms

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find that you can’t feel one of your arms? Inevitably, your arm starts to tingle and it wakes up as circulation resumes. But what if it doesn’t wake up? What if it’s been without circulation for too long and it has died? These are the questions […]


My Greatest Fear #19: Broken Glass in Restaurants

My Greatest Fear #19: Broken Glass in Restaurants

There’s something you should know about ordering drinks with ice at restaurants (that includes you, Liz Lemon, drinker of white wine Sprite spritzers on ice): You might be drinking shards of ice. True story. You see, when you send a waiter to fetch you a glass of water (especially if you say it as I […]


My Greatest Fear #18: The Sky Is Falling

My Greatest Fear #18: The Sky Is Falling

When I bought my Camry four years ago, I was delighted to find that it had a moonroof. “Perfect,” I thought. “Now I can drive through the country on summer nights with friends, admiring the star-filled sky through my moonroof.” That’s the dream, right? However, very rarely have I actually used the moonroof, much less […]


My Greatest Fear #17: Getting Attacked in the Shower

My Greatest Fear #17: Getting Attacked in the Shower

I don’t think there’s any place where you feel more vulnerable than the shower. You’re naked. It’s slippery. You can’t hear or see what’s going on in the rest of your house. You’re confined to a very small space with one exit. Your only defensive weapon on hand is your loofah. When people break into […]


My Greatest Fear #16

My Greatest Fear #16

Fall is a time for face paint. Every week, thousands of college football fans paint their faces with their teams’ colors. NFL fans do the same. And in a few days, men and women around the country will smear on face and body paint. They’ll walk around looking creepy when they smile from the contrast […]


My Greatest Fear #15

My Greatest Fear #15

My Greatest Fear #15: Accidentally putting something on my toothbrush that is not toothpaste. And then trying to brush my teeth with it. Has this ever happened? No. Not once. Not to me, at least. But like any American, I have a number of random tubes of gels and ointments in my bathroom. There may […]


My Greatest Fear #14: Eyeball Papercuts

My Greatest Fear #14: Eyeball Papercuts

I love to drive with the windows down. I don’t use the AC often because a nice breeze is about 10x better. However, I only roll down the two windows in the back of my Camry and the passenger window. The reason? It’s not about the hair. I’m afraid that something will sail into my […]