By the time you get back from the crowded, dirty restroom, the home team has hit several grand slams and your girlfriend is making out with the beer man on the Kiss Cam.

Happens every time, right?

No more, I say. Thanks to a new partnership with Depends-brand adult diapers, I’d like to introduce you to a new line of products for active young adults. Potential uses include (but are not limited to):

• Lord of the Rings marathons
• Dance clubs where you don’t want to lose your friends and spend the rest of the night shouting “I’m at the bar! Where are you?” into your phone
• Edward 40-Hands parties
• First dates
• Concerts

Although I’ve never used Depends, I’ve often thought about the advantages of never having to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. When I’m out for dinner with friends or at a house party, I’m always concerned that I’ll miss the best part of the conversation if I go to the bathroom. I worry that I’ll spend the rest of the night trying to decipher some inside joke about peanut butter and Tiger Woods. Just last night I played nearly 3 hours of poker without leaving the table. I had to pee the entire time.

The obvious solution is that I need to install a toilet in my pants. Thanks to Depends, that will soon become a reality.

Depends for Young Adults will be fully customizable with logos from your favorite sports teams, celebrities, and movies. For you ladies, may I recommend Depends for Young Adults SPANX (for clubbing) and Depends for Young Adults Thongs (perfect for hiding panty lines or for wearing under bikinis on the beach).

What will you use your Depends for? (Yeah, that’s right–I’m going to try to make a conversation out of this crazy entry. I dare you to play my game.)

(Reminder: This is the last weekend to submit your entries for the Tournament of Awkwardness.)

We all have these days. I don’t care how optimistic and carefree of a person you are–every once in a while you’re going to have a rough, stressful day at the office. I’d say I have about 6 of these a year.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Here’s what I do when I have one of those days:

1. If it’s a day when I can play pick-up soccer after work, I do everything possible to make that happen. Different forms of exercise might work for different people, and that’s the one that does it for me.
2. After work, I call one of my funniest friends and chat for about 15-20 minutes. I don’t vent, I don’t complain, I just laugh and joke around.

I’m sure everyone has some sort of physical outlet like #1. But #2 is more nuanced–I mean precisely what I say there, for several different reasons:

• As Emma over at Laughter in the Lou will tell you, laughter literally is the best medicine (okay, maybe penicillin is the best medicine. But laughter is pretty awesome too). It feels good to laugh. It relieves stress. It gets your mind off of whatever was bothering you.
• It’s key that you share this laughter with someone. Watching a funny YouTube video is nice, but you will never feel funny because you watch a funny YouTube video. Choose a friend who makes you funnier than you usually are, and you’ll walk away with the satisfaction of making someone else laugh.
• A recent study showed that you actually feel significantly better after a rough day if you distract yourself (or let someone else distract you) instead of venting. This may seem counterintuitive, like you’re avoiding the issue, but it’s scientific! It must be true. I think if there’s something that happened at work that you truly need to process, wait until after the stress is off your shoulders to deal with it in a healthy, productive way. For now, just distract yourself with laughter.

I’m sure there are many other ways to relieve yourself of the stress of a bad day at work. What do you recommend?

My horcruxes are a little different than Voldemort's.

In the Harry Potter mythos, Voldemort broke his own soul into 7 different pieces and ensnared them in various objects that were dear to his heart so that he could live forever. Put all the horcruxes together and you complete Voldemort. Destroy them and you destroy Voldemort forever.

In a similar vein, I’ve decided that I have 11 horcruxes. Many of them are actions, not objects, but all of them are dear to me. If you embody all of these elements, you have direct access to my heart and soul.

1. Your Grandmother: If you adore your grandmother (and/or grandfather), I will adore you.
2. Chocolate: If you give me chocolate, I will adore you.
3. Laughter: Find the fun in things and laugh even when the joke’s not all that funny–there’s a certain vulnerability about making a joke, and I like to surround myself with people who encourage that type of vulnerability. Laugh the hardest at things that are truly funny, of course, but if you easily laugh at things, I will adore you.
4. Biddy: Be sweet to my cat and I will adore you.
5. Awareness: I am drawn to people who are aware of the people around them. Some people march through life as if they’re the only person alive. Others hold the door open for the person behind them, help people reach top-shelf cereals in the grocery store, and adjust their position to allow a new person into a group at a party. Be aware of the people around you and I will adore you.
6. {this one is censored because it involves a certain bedroom activity}
7. The Blog/Writing: I want you to have your own hobbies and passions, but if you take the time to read my work too, I will adore you.
8. Slurpees: Surprise me with a Coke Slurpee every now and then and I will adore you.
9. Personal Space: Give me personal space without me having to ask for it and I will adore you.
10. Acts of Service: Do something to save me time and I will adore you.
11. Your Thoughts: I’m mildly interested in what you’ve been doing and what’s happened to you. What really interests me is what you’ve been thinking. Some people do and others think. If you’re the thinking type of person, I will adore you.

What are some of your horcruxes?

This blog entry could have gone several directions. One was to be a personal entry about how the one type of surprise I like is a chocolate surprise. The other was to be a  pet please entry about care packages, because it was the care package (left) that I received from a Japanese family friend that made my day–maybe my year–today.

But the heart of this entry involves the two ramen bowls you see in the foreground of the photo. Let me give you a little background:

In Japan, there are literally millions of ramen restaurants. I know that in America it’s thought of as cheap noodles that you eat when you can’t afford anything else, but in Japan it’s a delicious soup with tons of varieties. Most ramen places are roughly equivalent of a Chipotle here in in the States–you come in, eat your food, and leave. You don’t make a 2-hour meal out of it.

During my year abroad in Kyoto, several of my American and Japanese friends were really into ramen. The Japanese guys even put together a ramen tour that I never fully understood, but it amounted to eating some interesting ramen (like a bowl that is lit on fire before you eat it) along the way.

My American friends and I had two favorite ramen restaurants: Tonryuu and Ippudou. Tonryuu serves this thick, buttery broth that will make you yearn for a second bowl (a decision your stomach will regret). Ippudou has a milky broth that is augmented with your choice of red or white. We never quite figured out the difference, but our best guess is that red is spicier than white. Like most things in Japan, we just went along with it.

Both of these places were so popular that they had lines out the door every time we went. Every time. But it was worth the wait.

So a few weeks ago I mentioned on Facebook that I had purchased one of my favorite Japanese candies (chocolate crackers in the form of mushrooms called, of course, Chocorooms) on Amazon, and the post incited a discussion about other Japanese treats that I missed. My friend Tomomi (a former exchange student of my family’s) offered to send me a care package, and I asked if she could add a bowl of instant ramen. I mentioned Ippudou in case they sold their instant variety in Tokyo.

And lo and behold, I found two bowls among all the chocolate in the care package. I had just come from the grocery store with giant scallops in hand, so I quickly pan seared them and added them to the ramen. Doesn’t it look delicious?

There was a moment when I was eating the ramen that nearly brought tears to my eyes. It was a moment of pure bliss–not just from the deliciousness of the ramen, but also from the transportive nature of it. Here I was in my condo in St. Louis eating a bowl of ramen that, up until that point, I had only consumed halfway around the world in Kyoto 10 years ago. It was a moment of true connection through space and time.

If you’ve studied or traveled abroad, what food would transport you back to that country and that time if you ate an exact replica of it today?

]]> http://jameystegmaier.com/2012/02/the-joy-of-ramen/feed/ 9 http://jameystegmaier.com/2012/02/everything-you-need-to-know-about-pinterest/ http://jameystegmaier.com/2012/02/everything-you-need-to-know-about-pinterest/#comments Mon, 06 Feb 2012 05:28:31 +0000 Jamey Stegmaier http://jameystegmaier.com/?p=5279 You probably fall into one of two categories: You’ve heard of Pinterest but haven’t signed up, or you’ve signed up for Pinterest and love it. Either way, I have a few things to help you understand Pinterest and use it more effectively.

Pinterest is a public online scrapbook for images you find on the internet. It’s 100% visual. The entire site consists of images that are displayed in an infinite scroll–no matter how far down on the page you scroll, there are always more images to see. You can view everyone’s pins or only the pins of people you’re following (who can be friends or complete strangers).

It’s one of the best time wasters on the internet, not just because of the fascinating images you can find on Pinterest, but also because you’re building something while you skim the images. You’re not creating the images, but you’re compiling pinboards of related images that interest you. Every time you pin or repin an image, you’re adding it to your virtual memory, a memory that you share with the world.

That’s pretty cool.

As of this second, Pinterest is the 113th most-visited website on the web. Lots of people are using it. You probably should too, even if it’s just for an occasional visit. Here are a few tips to get the most out of the site:

1. Pin vs. Repin vs. Like:  When you find an image on the internet that you want to share on Pinterest, you “pin” it through one of a variety of ways (the best one is below in #2). If you’re skimming Pinterest and see an image that you want to add to your boards and share with people, you “repin” it. And if you want to remember an image but don’t want to add it to the infinite scroll, you can “like” it. For me, if I really love an image, I Repin it. If I just like it, I Like it.
2. Right Click to Pin: Without what I’m about to tell you, pinning an image can be a little annoying. There are several ways to do this, but the best way is to get the Google Chrome Pinterest Right Click extension. If you don’t have Chrome, check your browser’s extension or plug-in list to find a similar tool. Once you add this extension, you can simply right-click on any image or video and select “Pin This Image.” It’s awesome.
3. Hover to Enlarge: One of Pinterest’s few failings is that sometimes you can’t see an image well enough on the infinite scroll, so you have to click on it to see it better. I know, that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but the beauty of Pinterest is the ease with which you can skim through images. So do yourself a favor and get the Pinzy extension too. If you hover over an image on Pinterest for a second, it’ll enlargen to full size.
4. Don’t “Follow All” of Someone’s Boards: I learned this lesson the hard way. For over a year, whenever I followed someone new on Pinterest, I followed all of their boards instead of selecting individual boards to follow. A few weeks ago I found that I was hardly ever visiting Pinterest because the infinite scroll was clogged with images of wedding dresses, artsy furniture, makeup, shoes, and kid’s toys (well over 60% of Pinterest’s users are female. I love females, but I have absolutely no interest in the specific types of pins I mention above). So I’ve had to go through and unfollow individual boards while continuing to follow the stuff I’m interested in. Save yourself some time and do that up front instead of “following all.”
5. Don’t “Follow All” Friends on Pinterest: This is both for the reason above and for another key reason. Once you become a Pinterest member, if you hover over your name in the upper right and select “Find Friends,” Pinterest will present a list of your Facebook friends who are on Pinterest. There will be tons of people in this list. Don’t touch it. At least, don’t follow all people (which Pinterest makes very easy). The reason is that you are probably “friends” with people on Facebook whose images you are not at all interested in. These are the people that you’ve deleted from your Facebook feed. Pick and choose the ones you’re actually interested in following.
6. Don’t Auto-Share to Facebook: This is just annoying. At first I thought it was clever, but I’ve found that it just doesn’t work well, and it’s annoying to see the lists of people’s pins in my Facebook feed. If you want to share a specific image on Facebook, just do it manually.
7. Don’t Pin Too Much at a Time: This is a weird one that you have to experience to truly understand. Basically, sometimes you’ll go to Pinterest and you’ll see a ton of cool images on the page. You might want to Repin or Like several of them. But then you realize that they’re all from the same person, and if you Repin or Like too many of them, they’re going to see that and might think it’s weird. Plus, the beauty of Pinterest is that it’s a hodgepodge of pins from all sorts of people. If you Pin or Repin a ton of images in a short amount of time, you’re monopolizing your friends’ feeds.
8. Don’t Pin Off-Theme: I see this all the time now that I’m in the process of removing uninteresting boards from my feed. I’ll click through an image of high heels to unfollow a board labeled “Design,” and then I’ll see that there are actually some really fascinating examples of web design and architecture on that board. The high heels are off theme–they don’t belong on the Design board. Help your followers out by properly categorizing your pins.

I was going to recommend a few boards to follow, but the fun of Pinterest is discovering the boards that you connect with. Don’t be afraid to “follow” the boards of someone you don’t know. They’ll take it as a compliment that you appreciate their taste. And if you’re into cute animals and people, funny things, cool houses, beautiful locales, and impressive infographics, follow me on Pinterest.

Oh, and congrats to Charlotte for winning the Tournament of Cuteness Battle Royale 2012!

In one corner we have Ben, who rode through the gauntlet of the original Tournament of Cuteness like Benjamin Button on a horse made of regrets and seedy bars.

In the other we have Charlotte, who, although her path to greatness was but a single poll, we can all agree deserves to be here. She wants nothing more than to be your Valentine.

Leave your kittens and puppies at home. Nobody puts babies in the corner.

This is for pride. For legacy. For eternal adorableness.

This is the Hunger Games of cuteness. This is the Mortal Kombat of cuteness. The Grand Prix of cuteness. The Super Bowl, World Series, and Whatever Hockey Has of cuteness.

Your vote matters (until Sunday at 10:00 CST). Choose wisely. Let the games begin. And get your Tournament of Awkwardness photos in while you still have time.

Ben

Charlotte

Take Our Poll

On to my favorite comments this month:

This is a first: One of the best comments of the month came from Katie on last month’s “best blog comments” post. It’s best enjoyed out of context.

Dude, I’ve seen camo lingerie before. It exists. I used to work these auctions for the National Wild Turkey Federation while I was in college to supplement my income…and becuase I thought it meant free shots of Wild Turkey bourbon all night…fooled again.

Anyway, after selling raffle tickets, I had to walk around the items during the live auction for the bidders to see. And yes, at one event they had a free night at a local hotel, a bottle of wine, and a camo teddy (The lacy, frilly kind. Not the bear). My friend and I drew straws, and I came up with the short one, and was forced to walk it around the room to cheers and shouts of “Why don’t you model it for us, honey!”

I’m pretty sure at least three of the guys thought that my companionship was part of the package, so imagine my dismay when the highest bid was only $35.

The Best Recycling of a Classic Line comes from Aaron in reference to the reason why I didn’t put Bon Iver’s album on my 2011 Playlist:

I got a sickness. And the only prescription is more falsetto.

The Best Comment I Don’t Want to Ruin by Giving It Away in This Title goes to Brad for a comment on my post about my fear of dropping babies:

My sister brought my two nieces into town last year to go to the zoo. The youngest was two years old, and her stroller was my responsibility. When we got to the wolves, she was crying. My sister said I could get her out of the stroller, so I picked her up high enough to see over the fence and into the wolf exhibit, which was about 20 feet below.

Suddenly, I felt myself overcome with the urge to hurl my own niece into the exhibit. I have no idea why. I just felt like I was going to do it whether I wanted to or not. Just throw her to the wolves, literally. I quickly rushed to my sister, handed her over and refused to touch her the rest of the day. To this day, my niece will not go near me. It’s like she knows what I was thinking, even though I didn’t want to think it.

And another from that same post (Katie’s on a roll this month). Apparently me posting about my fears brings out some great lines from readers:

Even now, I hold newborns so infrequently that it still makes me worried for a second that I’ll zig when the parents zag and the baby will end up on the floor. Or that I’ll forget to cradle the head and her floppy neck will loll around until it just snaps off. The key is to do a seated hand off. Worst case scenario there is that you fumble the baby, but she gently falls in your lap and erupts into delighted giggles, having no idea how close she came to certain death.

Before I was a mom, I hated the hand off, but the soft spot on top of a baby’s head always freaked me out too. From what I could tell, even the slightest pressure of my gentle breath wafting over the soft spot would cause both significant brain damage and a lifetime of guilt.

Here’s a good one from Trev on my post about why Rachel and Joey belong together, not Rachel and Ross (there are a lot of really good comments on this post–I’d post several of them here, but they’re long. Thanks to Ali, Neha, Tracy, Molly, Red, Adrienne, and Tegan for their thoughts and vast knowledge of Friends).

Whereas Ross is no better than those drug addict parents who sell their children for 2 crack rocks, a half-eaten bologna sandwich, and a pocketful of shame, Joey is a model of paternal care. Is it any surprise that Ben ended up cold and alone, singing for the last couple of puffs on still-lit cigarette butts and spare change, and pandering to the blogosphere in the tournament of cuteness for the approval that he never got from his dad?

Cara wins the Most Awkward Encounter with a Police Officer award for this comment on my post about weird jobs:

The most unusual job I ever had was an “In-School Scouting Leader”: I brought a scouting program into inner-city elementary schools in Los Angeles, during class time. That was fun & rewarding, though it was strange when I got pulled over once by police and had to explain why there were short lengths of rope in the back of my VW bug: “Ummm, to teach boy scouts how to tie square knots.”

Again, the comments are too long to post them here, but there was a fantastic discussion about Tim Tebow and the responsibility of athletes to be charitable on this post.

Sarah wins the award for Best Survival Story in Four Sentences on my post about my fear of keys breaking off in the lock:

As a freshman in college, I broke off the key to my truck in the ignition. As a natural consequence, I was forced to live in the dorm parking garage, subsisting on used textbooks and the mud that flakes off of car tires. That lasted for several months, until they expelled me from school for poor attendance and for scaring the undergrads with the cautionary tale I had become. The locksmith never came.

John had a good follow up to that post as well:

The reality of #2 is that your neighbors, who also cannot return to their homes, must form a tight knit community with you as their leader, surviving by eating only what they can dig out of the ground and scrape off of the surrounding walls. Without any way to recharge your cell phones, you must assume you are alone in the world and obliged to repopulate the world for the good of humanity.

And finally, new reader Caitlin had some humorous thoughts on the Mini Tournament of Cuteness:

Wait– is Bailey the supercute little green plush dude with the black dog, or is Bailey the bad dog on the furniture with the supercute little green plush dude?

I voted for Charlotte. YES! YES, I’ll be your Valentine, little umbrella girl!

Well pick up where we left off last time:

This post is for guys, so here's something for the ladies.

23. How to serve rice in a classy way. I learned this from my friend Eric. After you make some sticky rice, scoop it out of the pot with a quarter cup measuring cup. Put that aside for one second while you dress the plate with a fancy ziz-zag of sauce. Then take the measuring cup of rice, turn it upside down on the plate (square plates work best for this), and pat the top of it until the rice falls out. It’ll hold the shape of the measuring cup. Put a little sprig of something on top (really, anything green and leafy will do). Don’t reveal your secret.

24. How to laugh at yourself. Show your weaknesses, your indulgences, your mistakes, your doubts, your goof-ups to the world, and the world will love you for it. At least I think that’s what’s happening…

25. How to take off a bra with one hand. I may have put this on one of these lists before. I’m having deja vu. Regardless, you should know how to do this. I could describe it, but you’re better off looking on YouTube for a how-to video. And then practice on a willing subject. Use this power wisely once you attain it. Do not, for example, undo your girlfriend’s bra in a restaurant or at a dinner party while she’s at the table.

26. How to ask questions: Only ask questions about things you genuinely want to know. Once you start doing this, you’ll realize that there are a lot of things that you genuinely want to know, and they’re much more invigorating than all of those questions that you used to ask out of obligation or expectation. And you’ll get much more interesting, honest answers too.

27. Flirtation is the key to keeping chemistry alive. I’ve always wondered how I might be able to maintain a high level of chemistry with a woman after months or years or a lifetime. So much changes over time: Your looks, your personality, your interests, your friends, your priorities, your sleep schedule. But one thing that you have complete control over is how you flirt with your significant other. Make that choice every day. Flirt incessantly and shamelessly without expectation (don’t flirt to get something from your partner–flirt to give something to your partner…attention, love, a little hormonal surge. Any of those will do.)

28. Don’t complain on Facebook or Twitter unless it’s funny. This goes back to #24 a little bit. I would go as far as to say that this is a universal rule. It’s about more than finding a good way to engage and connect with people online. It’s also about finding a way to both feel your pain and find something lifegiving in it at the same time. Think about this the next time you have bad news or an annoyance to share on Facebook. How can you share it so that people will smile instead of taking pity on you?

How many of these do you already know and do?

You have until Thursday evening at 8:00 pm CST to vote, and then I’m going to pit the winner of this mini-tournament against the winner of last year’s tournament for a weekend-long battle royale.

Please only vote once, but you can solicit votes for your favorite.

Also, I keep forgetting to post this: I wrote a guest post for a foodie blog the other day. If you love fried chicken, I think you’ll enjoy this post.

Bailey

Charlotte

Mortimer

 Take Our Poll

But let’s not forget the glory of those awkward years. Let’s not forget puberty. Let’s not forget this:

Yes, these are my middle-school ID cards. I found them in a drawer when I was home for Christmas. Please fixate not just on the sleekly combed hair in 6th grade, the silk shirt in 7th grade, and the Neck and the sweater vest in 8th grade. And these weren’t photos take on random days of me wearing random outfits: these were the outfits I chose for my student ID photo sessions.

These aren’t even my best photos. I’m saving those for the tournament.

The Tournament of Awkwardness. (somewhere, trumpets blare)

Last year I created a Tournament of Cuteness on the blog, and it was a blast. Check it out if you don’t know what it is. This year I’m pretty much doing the opposite–instead of celebrating cuteness, I want to celebrate our awkwardness.

Now, you may be asking, “Why would I let you post a photo of me at the most awkward and vulnerable time of my life, a photo that hundreds of strangers will see and vote on?”

Good question. Here’s why:

1. Although the contest is free to enter, I will be putting up a cash prize equal to the number of contestants. I will also be matching that prize for a charity of the winning contestant’s choice. So if Jane P of Omaha wins the contest out of 400 total competitors, she’ll win $400 and I’ll give an additional $400 to Jane’s favorite charity. Thus I’m hoping there is an incentive for you to not only enter the contest yourself, but also get your friends to enter, as the prize pool gets bigger for each additional person who enters.
2. Self-deprecating humor is awesome. If you’re able to laugh at yourself, you can do anything.
3. You will have the satisfaction of bringing joy to hundreds of people. You’ll be the Santa Claus of awkwardness.
4. I’m happy to link to your blog, Twitter, or Facebook page in case you’d like some free publicity. The further you go in the competition (it’s tournament-style, single elimination), the more publicity you’ll get.

Got it? Here are the rules:

1. Submissions are due on Sunday, February 12 at noon. Send one photo (any photo–it doesn’t have to be a school photo. Candid photos are fine too) to jamey.stegmaier@gmail.com with the subject line “Tournament of Awkwardness.”
2. You may only submit yourself to the contest. If your sibling or parent or best friend was way more awkward than you, get them to submit directly to me.
3. One photo per person. Don’t send me 5 photos and tell me to choose.
4. You may include a caption or description of that awkward time in your life. I’ll label photos with your first name, last initial, and age at the time the photo was taken (if you give me that information).
5. You may solicit votes from friends or family, but preferably you’ll ask them to vote for the most awkward photo. They shouldn’t necessarily vote for you just because they know you. And please don’t cheat. Someone tried to cheat in the previous tournament, and I can tell when it happens. Just vote once.

Now, I understand that this tournament may end up being a total dud. I’m happy to embarrass myself in front of the world, but perhaps most people will choose not to. So if I only get a few submissions, I promise that I’ll still post them on a blog entry in a few weeks.

So that’s it! I look forward to seeing everyone at their most awkward.