This is the story of ManCans.

Last week I got my weekly digest of Springwise’s Top 10 Business Ideas & Opportunities (definitely worth a free subscription if you love reading about cool business ideas). Near the top of the list was a concept called ManCans.

The idea is that there are certain smells that appeal to men, but most scented candles are too flowery for us. Sure, us men might like the flowery smells, but there’s no way we’ll buy them for ourselves. Plus, the smells of ManCans let us hearken back to simpler times through scents like cigar, fresh-cut grass, dirt, NY style pizza, grandpa’s pipe, new mitt, bacon, coffee, sawdust, campfires, and gun powder (that is the actual list of ManCan scents).

Even after I saw that awesome list of scents, I still wasn’t sold. After all, I don’t own candles. I think the only think I have in my house that is made for lighting on fire to smell good are some incense sticks I bought when I was in Japan 11 years ago.

But then I saw two things on the ManCan website. One, the company was started by a kid. As you may have noticed by my recent blog entry about Caine’s Arcade, I have a soft spot for kids who start businesses.

Two–and this is the big one, the one that made me instantly purchase the two ManCans you see in the photo here–is that the company is inherently built around the idea of helping people. You see those cans that the candles are in? Those aren’t any old cans. ManCans gets those cans by buying soup cans from local grocery stores, donating the soup to a local soup shelter, and then repurposing the cans for the candles.

Every step of the business helps someone–including people who need the help–and yet it’s a profitable business. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. So brilliant, in fact, that I contacted them on the spot and asked if they were open to investors. (At this time they’re not, but I’m hoping to hear from them in the future.)

The only other business that is both socially good and profitable like this is Angel Baked Cookies. I’m sure there are others out there, though–do you know of any?

I learned about this rule about a year ago when I revealed to a friend–we’ll call her Emily–that I was waffling over a skinny tie that I wanted. I rarely buy clothes, and I didn’t need a tie, but  I thought it looked awesome. It was about $17.

That’s when Emily told me about the $20 rule. And thus I became the proud owner of a skinny tie.

To be clear, this rule should not devalue a $20 bill. $20 can go a long way. It can feed you for a week if you only eat peanut butter and jelly and cereal. But if you’re at a point in your life when you could lose a $20 bill and not even notice, this rule applies to you.

Here are a few recent applications of the rule for me:

• A few months ago, a cousin asked me to donate to his Relay for Life run. If a random person I barely knew contacted me, sure, I probably would delete the e-mail. But he’s family, and I donated without a second thought.
• A month ago, I saw that Bonnie Raitt had a new CD coming out. My parents listened to Raitt a lot when us kids were growing up, so I bought them the CD on the spot.
• A week ago, a very good friend–we’ll call him Trev–told me that he had heard good things about a book that just came out, and he bought both of us a copy to read and discuss. How cool is that? Amazon even makes this easy by giving you free shipping on orders over $25. The next time you buy a book, buy it twice–once for you, and once for a friend who you know will want to talk about it with you.
• Just today, a former high school classmate that I barely know launched a Kickstarter campaign for his video game company. I don’t even play video games (other than iPhone/iPad games), but $15 is nothing. I want my former classmates to succeed, all of them. Kickstarter is particularly dangerous for the $20 rule, by the way, but it feels good to go on there every once in a while and chip in a couple of dollars to help someone on their passion project.

Do you ascribe to the $20 rule? Or perhaps do you have your own rule for impulse spending that you abide by?

I have some pretty wacky fears.

(Insert horse picture here.)

(Insert clown picture here.)

(Insert a picture of a male breastfeeding a baby here [thanks, Jamey].)

Editor’s Note: I thought it would be funnier to leave Ansley’s descriptions of scary photos than insert the actual photos. Plus, no one wants to look at a clown photo. Ever.

BUT…my greatest fear is that I will butt-dial someone while trash-talking someone and they will hear the entire diatribe.

You might think I’m a nice person. And you’d be right. But, unfortunately, when someone gets on my bad side, I am VERY easily persuaded to list their faults and annoying behaviors. I can go on for hours, actually, which isn’t a good thing, but I suppose it’s a gift. I can really get going and I have this bad habit of checking my phone to make sure the person I’m crabbing about isn’t listening in on the conversation.

It actually happened today when my dear friend came over to get help on her reality TV application. My mom called and I immediately ignored the call, silencing the ring.

“Oh lord, it’s my mom again. I wonder what insane request she might have for me now. Maybe she’s wanting me to head to the grocery store to pick up some milk and then send me a text with a list of the 15 other things she needs. Or, maybe she wants me to make her bed. Or, maybe she just wants to tell me something I have absolutely no interest in hearing and I’ll have to put up with her for an entire story.”

You shouldn’t be surprised to learn that never happened. (Although I’m still taking applications for the handmaiden. Must come with log cabin and internet access.)

We all have these daunting life goals that we think we’ll figure out “someday.” Someday you’ll write your novel. Someday you’ll go to Ireland. Someday you’ll hold a penguin like a baby.

As we build up these goals, we actually get further away from realizing them. That is, until we look around and see other people realizing the same dreams all the time. 

Over the last few years, I’ve seen writers all around me completing novels. Talented, albeit mostly unpublished authors. In fact, they’ve all written multiple novels over the last few years. They live busy lives, and yet they find the time to write. Nay, they make the time to write. Time isn’t going to find you. You have to grab it by the corset and make it yours. I’m talking about you, Anne, Trisha, and Regan. In terms of the novel writing. Not the corset grabbing.

So I gave myself two months. If you can’t commit to doing something in two months–something that means the world to you–then it probably doesn’t mean the world to you, and it’s probably never going to happen. Give it up and move on to new dreams. (The one exception to this rule is having a baby. Give that 9 months.)

This isn’t meant to be a self-congratulatory post (I already did that on Facebook), but I completed my goal. At 11:15 pm on Saturday night, I got to write “The End” at the end of a 74,226-word novel.

I have to admit, it felt amazing. I was beside myself with joy. There may or may not have been some sing-talking of “Call Me Maybe.”

I have a lot to say about the Two-Month Gauntlet, because I want to inspire people to give it a shot. It will be one of the most gratifying things you ever do. Blog reader Emma took the challenge and started a laughter yoga club, as did another writer friend of mine, so I’m not alone here. It can be done.

Just to be clear, I don’t mean this in a vague, ambiguous, inspirational speaker, “you can do anything if you put your mind to it” kind of way. I mean that you should pull out a piece of paper right now and write down five dreams you have, pick one, and start working on it tomorrow. I really mean this. Stop holding yourself back and make one of those dreams happen–not “someday,” but in two friggin’ months. Start out with a small one if you want.

Here’s how:

1. Pick a goal for which you have control over the outcome. For a long time, my goal was, “write a bestselling novel.” In hindsight, that was ludicrous. I have very limited control over whether or not my novel is a bestseller. I can write a great novel and promote the hell out of it, but it may not matter. What I do have control over, however, is actually writing a novel. So that was my goal.
2. Pick general, attainable daily goals that add up to the overall goal after two months. My goal was write 1,000 words a day. Your goal may not be a creative goal–maybe it requires money. Do something every day to save money (see my post from two years ago about planning for spontaneous travel), and something every day to make money. Even just a few bucks. There’s a lot of variation here depending on your dream, but the point is that you spend an hour or so every day working towards your goal. If the dream is worth it, it’s worth an hour a day.
3. Move forward every day. I wanted so badly to go back and edit every day, but it would have been way too easy to get caught up in editing instead of moving forward. Focus on forward momentum, and in doing so, let go of perfection. Wouldn’t you rather accomplish something great in an imperfect way than not accomplish it at all? (Exceptions: bowling a perfect game and getting engaged. Shoot for 300 on both of them.)
4. Give yourself a way to productively procrastinate. If you’re a master procrastinator like I am, use it to your advantage. Find something else that you should be doing over those two months and put off doing it. Pick something legitimately important, and every time you find yourself about to do it, procrastinate and work on your goal instead. I’m dead serious about this.
5. Don’t overplan. Surprise yourself every day. It’s human nature–this is why we gamble. We don’t know what the next roll of the dice is going to be, but we’re thrilled to find out. With my novel, I wrote about a chapter a night, and at the end of the writing session, I wrote down a few ideas of what was going to happen in the next chapter. Beyond that, I had a few tricks up my sleeve, but I really didn’t know where my characters were going. Which sounds like total writer’s BS, I know. But it’s true. And it let me be surprised every day by what happened next. You know how I describe “the chase” as being the best and most elusive part of a relationship? My novel was one two-month chase, and I bet you can apply the same theory to your dream.

So yeah, I’m quite serious about this. I want this for you. I want you to dance to “Call Me Maybe”  too (wait, did I mention the dancing? Am I teenage girl?).

If you read this and have the balls to pick a dream–and if you’re serious about it–send me an e-mail at jamey.stegmaier@gmail.com. Or post it in the comments if you’re ready for public accountability. Specifically, tell me your dream and your daily goals to get there. If I have any thoughts, I’ll share them, but most likely you’ll just know that someone else out there is rooting for you. And I’d love to write about your experience on the blog in two months.

What’s next for the novel? Well, I’m sitting on it for a few days, and then I’ll read it for the first time and make any necessary sweeping changes. Then I’ll send it out to a few beta readers to see if it’s any good. If it is, I’ll send it out to a few more beta readers to give it a hard edit. Then I’ll send it out to one more beta reader to really show my manuscript who’s boss. And then we’ll see.

So go ahead and pull out that piece of paper. Write down a few dreams. And then, if you dare, circle one and make it yours.

Today I’d like to add a third person to that list: My mother, Margot Stegmaier.

The metric for success I created when I started this series says that true success in a particular area of your life comes with an embodiment of the following traits:

1. Courage
2. Action-Oriented
3. Focus
4. Devotion
5. Patience
6. Passion
7. Absorbent

I bet you look at your own mother and see a lot of the same traits too.

To write this entry, I enlisted the help of the three other people who have experienced my mother as closely as I have: my brother, sister, and father. I’ll share their perspective on my mom’s success as a mother and then get to mine

Dad

Mom had an early introduction to motherhood that began when she herself was a mere child. As the oldest girl in a large family, her own mom, as was the practice of the day, placed her in the roll of caring for younger siblings. This is roughly the equivalent of sentencing someone to ten years of confinement to a bedbug-and flea-infested mud hut. I speak from experience, because that is how Uncle Frank and I tried to make Aunt Anne feel whenever we were left in her charge.

Nonetheless, I recall observing Mom when I first knew her, during that time at Catholic University when she was still doing her best to avoid me, as she worked with a bunch of D.C. kids in a big brother/sister program. Most of the college students were clueless and the kids were out of control. Until Mom stepped in. She employed a masterful blend of firmness and soft touch to which the kids responded easily, and soon bedlam gave in to military precision.

Seeing how well Mom worked with kids was the second thing that really made her attractive to me. A few years later we were preparing for marriage and the question came up about children. Five sounded like a good number for us. Having come from families of eight and six kids, mom and I saw advantages and disadvantages of lots of kids, but I don’t recall the reasoning that led to the number five. Of course, the plan was subject to change.

Being good Catholics, we were always open to children, but nature has a way of rearranging lives. When Fr. Tom asked us, three years into our marriage, if we would be interested in adopting a child, the responsible thoughtfulness we attempted to display could barely cloak the thrill, anticipation, and excited anxiety we felt.

Mom tells the story of our waiting for Jamey better than I could, but I recall KNOWING that she both wanted children and would be a great mom, even as, in true mom fashion, she kept asking, “Are we sure we want to do this? Do we really know what we’re doing? What if we (fill in the blank with any parental failure)?” And the ever present “Are you really going to be there to help when I need you?” The questions, however, ultimately faded in the endless focus on preparing for the baby’s arrival.

When mom first held that baby in her arms, she stood a mile deep in an ocean of passion for motherhood. Where did that come from? Where do oceans come from? She could never again imagine a world without it.

Brother

Mom’s never-tiring love has been a part of my life since the earliest memories. I literally have no knowledge or experience of a time when I was without it–no matter how far away I travelled or whatever adventure I was immersed in. It was always something so beyond questioning or doubting that it didn’t really need to be thought about. Of course, as I’ve gotten older, its become more apparent to me what is involved in being a good mother–and how rare and attention-worthy excellent mothers like mine are.

For example, when you start living on your own in the “real world,” you realize exactly how much effort and sacrifice are required to prepare quality meals for yourself–much less for a family. Yet this has always been one of the unquestioned assumptions in our family–that we would all sit down, together, over something wholesome (and, with the exception of zuchinni, delicious) and share dinner. Making this happen day in, day out, was mom. Growing up, it didn’t seem at all unusual, because it was so constant. It was as if there was some super-human force standing behind it all, keeping us all together. The experience growing up in a household ordered by this super-human woman–and her love–provides a backdrop for my whole life, something that hovers behind and above me, all the time.

Sister

I am getting married in less than two months. I have a job that keeps me busy during the day, and sometimes in the evenings and on weekends. Mom and my fiance have therefore done much of the planning for it. Many people say that MOBs (mother-of-the-bride) either relive their weddings or redo their weddings when their daughters are engaged. Mom has done neither.

Her wedding was different than mine will be in many ways. She was 22 and kept things very simple: she did her own hair and makeup, had no special bouquet for her wedding portrait and did not send save-the-dates. (Did anyone send save-the-dates in 1977??) I also think her parents had enormous influence over the kind of reception she had. Frankly, I think Mom’s opinions about her reception were often overridden by her parents.

That said, Mom has thrown herself into planning a wedding FOR ME. She considers my opinions and listens to my preferences before she signs the florist contract or orders bubbles for the send-off.

Don’t get me wrong–if Mom could redo or relive her wedding I think she would be tempted. For example, a part of her might have wished she had altered her mom’s wedding gown for her wedding. I am wearing the same dress that she and my grandma wore, but, unlike me, my mom did not hire a seamstress to adapt the dress fit “her” style and tastes. What’s amazing about Mom is that she is really good at actively suppressing these desires to redo her wedding. This is selflessness in its purest form. I guess this is a mother’s love, although no one but Mom could love me like this.

Me

I think the vast majority of the ways that mothers impact their children is simply by the way they run the house.

My sister, my Aunt Anne, Mom, and Grandma.

Whenever I go home to visit my parents as an adult, Mom will inevitably say, “I can’t believe I never taught you ____.” Almost always it’s something home related, like cooking or cleaning or sewing.

But the truth is, I know how to do all of those things. Mom does them better, so I yield to her when I’m home, but thanks to her, I’m completely comfortable in the kitchen. I arrived at college knowing how to do my laundry and repair clothes and make smart financial decisions.

Mom didn’t have to sit me down and hold an official lesson on how to cook, for example. Instead, she included my siblings and me whenever she cooked, and we learned by osmosis over time. I think this is one of the greatest gifts that Mom gave us.

It’s been really interesting to learn by my mother’s example as an adult. The lessons are different. They’re no longer about how to run a home (except when I’m at home). They’re about how to stay committed to someone for life. They’re about how to reach out to those you love even when they live thousands of miles away. They’re about making tough choices to improve yourself as a person and continue to grow.

Perhaps the most special long-distance lesson I’ve learned from my mother is the way that she interacts with her own mom, who is now 88. Grandma is physically healthy, but her mind wavers between sharp and forgetful.

Mom spends a lot of time and energy on Grandma. In a way, she has slipped out of the daughter role and into the mother role with her. It’s been incredibly inspiring to see how she takes care of Grandma. I can only hope that I am even half as compassionate and patient with my mom when she gets old as she is with her mother.

***

Mom, I hope you know the huge success you’ve achieved as a mother. Thank you for the lessons you meant to teach me and the ones you didn’t know you were teaching. Thank you for our weekly chats. Thank you for your endless support. Thank you for letting me go when I felt the need to go to college out of state, for going to all my soccer games growing up, for helping me learn Japanese when you didn’t know a thing about the language. Thank you for the cool hand on my forehead when I had migraines, and thank you for scheduling playdates for your introverted son. I needed that.

Most of all, thank you for choosing to be my mother. Motherhood is a choice, for biological kids like my brother and sister, and for non-biological kids like me. Thank you for giving me a life, a family, and many years of love.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Love,

Jamey

Remember how bad Robert de Niro is in these movies? It's as if he's method acting as a person with permanent constipation.

Two friends of mine recently had a baby. Cute little thing. Tiny hands, tiny feet, cries a lot.

When I met the baby for the first time, the husband commented that for the month since the baby was born, he’s been pretty much useless. And not for lack of trying. It’s just that the baby’s core needs are filled by his wife at this time.

Specifically, his nipples do not produce milk, and therefore he cannot feed the baby.

So I asked him: “If you had the choice to lactate to nurse your child, would you?”

His answer: “Of course!”

This is not Salma Hayek's baby. She. Is. Awesome.

Now, it’s easy for a guy to say this (and his wife was right there). We can say that we’d willingly lactate because we know we’ll never have to. Plus, I’ve heard that lactating isn’t necessarily a walk on the beach. I’m no breast expert, but I’m pretty sure women have to deal with leaky nipples, swollen breasts, and the curious stares of men who are hoping for the nursing bib to slip. I’m not going to Google it, but I’d be willing to bet there’s a porn site devoted to that.

That said, I’m curious how many men would lactate so they could serve a purpose to their baby. I know I would. See, men like to feel useful. We like to feel like we’re contributing. I bet many of us would gladly lactate for our children.

So let’s find out. I’ve created a poll below that any gender can answer. And yes, this is assuming that the couple is heterosexual, so just bare with me there. Also, if you don’t have a child, answer for your future self that does have a child. Planned or unplanned. This is also assuming that you breastfeed. (Lots of stipulations, I know, but otherwise the poll would have 20 different options.)

Take Our Poll

However, there’s one key component of the show that I don’t quite understand: Almost every character is trying to be king of the world (or Westeros). Hence Game of Thrones. 

We see this motivation a lot in summer movies. In The Avengers, the main bad guy wants the world to bow to him. In fact, as Netflix reminded me when I added The Avengers to my queue a few minutes ago, the Uma Thurman and Ralph Fiennes version of The Avengers has the following plot: “Their impossible mission: thwart Sean Connery’s diabolical plan to bring the world to its knees by controlling global weather.”

Why are all of these people motivated by taking over the world? Don’t they know that once you get to the top, people are going to try to do everything they can to knock you from the throne? It puts the biggest possible target on their back.

I guess I just don’t buy it. People are motivated by plenty of things–money, influence, sex, fame, etc–but complete control of everything in the world? Sure, you could get all those things, but the job of running the world must be exhausting. And I’m sure it breeds the most extreme of paranoia.

So yeah, I don’t buy it. Whenever I see a character in a movie or a book who wants to take over the world, I lose my ability to suspend belief. Give me a real, human motivation and I’m all in. You’ll see that in my novel, which doesn’t exactly have bad guys, but it does have people who are willing to take less moral and ethical paths to get what they want than other characters.

What do you think? If  you had the option to be king of the world, would you take it?

This is a Mars vs. Venus entry, meaning I’m going to share my male perspective, and then at the end of the entry you can click over to my blogger friend Katy’s blog for the female perspective on flirting.

I’ve always enjoyed flirting, but over the past year I’ve had a series of epiphanies about the importance of flirting to romantic relationships.

You see, I love the chase. Getting to know someone new, not knowing whether or not they’re interested or what they’re ready for…all that tension and suspense and curiosity. Love it.

But I’ve never been able to sustain the high I feel when the chase is on. It always dies down. So I started to wonder if there was a way to sustain the chase after you commit to someone.

Then I realized that the answer was right in front of me: In a relationship, you can sustain the excitement of the chase through intentional flirtation.

“Intentional” is really important here. Flirtation is a choice. Do you not think of yourself as a good flirter? Keep trying until you get it right. Do you not flirt with your husband or wife? Start doing it. Today. It’s really important. Do you often get stuck in the friend zone? It might be because you’re not flirting.

Also, let me be clear about what I mean by flirtation. I don’t mean signals or playful banter. Those things are important, but by flirtation I specifically mean doing something to get a rise out of someone else. To turn them on a little bit or ignite a spark of chemistry.

It’s sexual, but I think that true flirtation should exist independent of sex. Don’t flirt with someone because you want them to have sex with you right away. If you do, that person may stop responding well to flirtation because it’ll feel like a game, a means to an end. Rather, flirt for the sake of flirting. Flirt for the fun of the moment. Flirt because it feels good right now.

So here’s what I have to offer: 3 physical flirtation tips and 3 non-physical tips. I am by no means an expert. In fact, I can be quite awkward at times. But I think these tips are pretty universal–they apply to men and women.

Physical

1. Proximity. Stand or sit too close to the other person.
2. Physicality. Touch the person on their arm/leg, escalating the touch if they reciprocate.
3. Focus. Make intense eye contact from time to time. Don’t stare–just show the other person that you see them and only them.

Non-Physical

1. Mention nudity. For example,  talk about when you’re naked at home, the last time you took a shower, etc. Be bold and make their mind wander.
2. Ask the other person what they’re wearing. It’s such a simple, innocuous question, but it shows the other person that you’re picturing them in your mind at that moment, and it gives the chance to have some fun with their response.
3. Send the other a photo of yourself, or part of yourself. With photos, what is left barely revealed is a lot sexier than revealing what’s underneath. Some people are afraid of photos getting spread around, so don’t include your face in the photo if that’s your concern.

What do you think? How important do you think flirtation is in a relationship? What are some ways that you get a rise out of people through flirtation? Head on over to see what Katy has to say about flirtation.

My favorite superhero movie of all time is The Incredibles. I honestly didn’t think we’d ever get a live-action movie that could come close to matching that movie. But then Spider-Man came out and it was really good, and it was followed in 2008 by Iron Man. I was elated when walking out of the theater having seen Iron Man. So elated, in fact, that I dressed up as Iron Man when I got home and wrote a blog entry about it.

I watched all of the subsequent Avengers-related movies after that (The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor, and Captain America), and I enjoyed all of them. Iron Man was still my clear favorite, with Captain America coming in second, and the other three are tied for third with their various successes and shortcomings.

So it was with a mix of trepidation and excitement that I saw The Avengers tonight. Really, my anticipation for this movie went well beyond Iron Man. I read The Avengers comic books when I was a kid. In some ways, I was hoping to see these characters come to life on screen for over 20 years.

And then it happened. It all came together. The film is brilliant–it’s big and bold and cinematic, and yet it’s funny and charming and captures the little moments with perfection. It is a movie that you must see on the big screen. I might even see it again, ideally in 2D (I saw it in 3D tonight, and I don’t know, I just can’t get into 3D).

I even had an Avengers moment during the movie. There was a woman sitting to my immediate right who decided about 2 hours into the movie that it was time to read and respond to e-mails on her phone. She wasn’t subtle about it–she held up the phone at eye level, and I couldn’t avoid the glare of the screen. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine, and it’s downright inconsiderate to everyone behind you in the theater. I never say anything when I see this happening, but hell, I was watching an amazing move about superheroes, so I tapped her on the shoulder and asked her to stop e-mailing.  She grumbled to her boyfriend for about 5 minutes after that, but she did turn off her phone. It felt good.

Have you seen The Avengers? I’d love to know your thoughts. No spoilers, please.

This classic cop movie move is best applied in real life in situations where it is in no way necessary (or appropriate) for one person to be overly kind and compassionate and the other overly angry and aggressive.

In fact, I would say that you should use good cop/bad cop in any situation that involves you paired with someone else. Here are some examples for the workplace:

• making a sales call
• interviewing a prospective employee
• asking your boss for an extended lunch break

But don’t limit good cop/bad cop to the workplace. Here are some other real-world applications:

• parenting (just make sure you switch off to keep your kids/cats on their toes)
• going out to eat (the good cop should tip in this scenario, and tip well at that)
• buying anything, no matter how small (great at farmer’s markets)

If you’ve never tried this, please do. Just make sure going into the situation that the two of you are clear on who the good cop is and who the bad cop is. Also, note that the good cop must remain calm, composed, and sympathetic, and the bad cop must swipe at least one item off of the table or punch a file cabinet (you may need to provide your own table or file cabinet if you’re not in an office).

Have you ever pulled off a successful good cop/bad cop? Where would you like to try it?