Remember how bad Robert de Niro is in these movies? It's as if he's method acting as a person with permanent constipation.

Two friends of mine recently had a baby. Cute little thing. Tiny hands, tiny feet, cries a lot.

When I met the baby for the first time, the husband commented that for the month since the baby was born, he’s been pretty much useless. And not for lack of trying. It’s just that the baby’s core needs are filled by his wife at this time.

Specifically, his nipples do not produce milk, and therefore he cannot feed the baby.

So I asked him: “If you had the choice to lactate to nurse your child, would you?”

His answer: “Of course!”

This is not Salma Hayek's baby. She. Is. Awesome.

Now, it’s easy for a guy to say this (and his wife was right there). We can say that we’d willingly lactate because we know we’ll never have to. Plus, I’ve heard that lactating isn’t necessarily a walk on the beach. I’m no breast expert, but I’m pretty sure women have to deal with leaky nipples, swollen breasts, and the curious stares of men who are hoping for the nursing bib to slip. I’m not going to Google it, but I’d be willing to bet there’s a porn site devoted to that.

That said, I’m curious how many men would lactate so they could serve a purpose to their baby. I know I would. See, men like to feel useful. We like to feel like we’re contributing. I bet many of us would gladly lactate for our children.

So let’s find out. I’ve created a poll below that any gender can answer. And yes, this is assuming that the couple is heterosexual, so just bare with me there. Also, if you don’t have a child, answer for your future self that does have a child. Planned or unplanned. This is also assuming that you breastfeed. (Lots of stipulations, I know, but otherwise the poll would have 20 different options.)

Take Our Poll

This is a Mars vs. Venus entry, meaning I’m going to share my male perspective, and then at the end of the entry you can click over to my blogger friend Katy’s blog for the female perspective on flirting.

I’ve always enjoyed flirting, but over the past year I’ve had a series of epiphanies about the importance of flirting to romantic relationships.

You see, I love the chase. Getting to know someone new, not knowing whether or not they’re interested or what they’re ready for…all that tension and suspense and curiosity. Love it.

But I’ve never been able to sustain the high I feel when the chase is on. It always dies down. So I started to wonder if there was a way to sustain the chase after you commit to someone.

Then I realized that the answer was right in front of me: In a relationship, you can sustain the excitement of the chase through intentional flirtation.

“Intentional” is really important here. Flirtation is a choice. Do you not think of yourself as a good flirter? Keep trying until you get it right. Do you not flirt with your husband or wife? Start doing it. Today. It’s really important. Do you often get stuck in the friend zone? It might be because you’re not flirting.

Also, let me be clear about what I mean by flirtation. I don’t mean signals or playful banter. Those things are important, but by flirtation I specifically mean doing something to get a rise out of someone else. To turn them on a little bit or ignite a spark of chemistry.

It’s sexual, but I think that true flirtation should exist independent of sex. Don’t flirt with someone because you want them to have sex with you right away. If you do, that person may stop responding well to flirtation because it’ll feel like a game, a means to an end. Rather, flirt for the sake of flirting. Flirt for the fun of the moment. Flirt because it feels good right now.

So here’s what I have to offer: 3 physical flirtation tips and 3 non-physical tips. I am by no means an expert. In fact, I can be quite awkward at times. But I think these tips are pretty universal–they apply to men and women.

Physical

1. Proximity. Stand or sit too close to the other person.
2. Physicality. Touch the person on their arm/leg, escalating the touch if they reciprocate.
3. Focus. Make intense eye contact from time to time. Don’t stare–just show the other person that you see them and only them.

Non-Physical

1. Mention nudity. For example,  talk about when you’re naked at home, the last time you took a shower, etc. Be bold and make their mind wander.
2. Ask the other person what they’re wearing. It’s such a simple, innocuous question, but it shows the other person that you’re picturing them in your mind at that moment, and it gives the chance to have some fun with their response.
3. Send the other a photo of yourself, or part of yourself. With photos, what is left barely revealed is a lot sexier than revealing what’s underneath. Some people are afraid of photos getting spread around, so don’t include your face in the photo if that’s your concern.

What do you think? How important do you think flirtation is in a relationship? What are some ways that you get a rise out of people through flirtation? Head on over to see what Katy has to say about flirtation.

We’ll start where we left off last time:

29. Guy time doing a typical “guy” thing–like a poker night–is crucial. Remember back in the day, when cavemen split off from the cavewomen for a few hours each day to hunt sabertooths and wildebeests? They did that because guy bonding is important. It’s in our genes. It provides a healthy release of all that testosterone we build up every day. I personally think that poker nights with low buy-ins are ideal for this purpose. There’s a competitive spirit, but the intent behind the night is social time. And yes, there’s your fair share of mocking and jesting and tomfoolery over a few hands of Texas Hold-Em, but there’s also talk about relationships and personal stuff. When it’s just the guys, it’s a surprisingly safe space to be open and vulnerable.

30. What to do when your car key won’t turn in the ignition. I have two car-related tips today, mostly because I know nothing about cars, and whenever I learn something I feel like I should share it with all the other guys in my generation who know nothing about cars. The trick when your key won’t turn is to force your steering wheel to move. You can try this on park or in neutral, but as long as you can get your steering wheel to engage a little bit, the ignition should unlock and you can start your car. The reason this works is very complicated and involves terms like “lugnut” and “flux capacitor.”

31. Changing a car headlight is surprisingly easy.  From the amount car repair shops charge you for this service, you’d think that it involved them completely disassembling your car and rebuilding it around the new headlight. Not so much. Every car is a little different, but it’s probably a two- or three-step procedure outlined in your owner’s manual that may not even require any tools. If you can’t figure it out, just call Trev and he’ll take care of it for you in exchange for a pizza.

32. Relax your face. This might end up being the title of my autobiography. We carry so much tension in our faces all the time. Stop reading this for one second and relax your face. Then, while it’s still relaxed, relax it again. That’s how tense your face was–tense enough that it took two conscious steps to relax it! The next time you’re stressed, sit back and relax your face for a minute. Do it.

33. Know how to kiss. I don’t know how other dudes kiss, but I asked Facebook today if there were any items to add to tonight’s blog entry, and Jennifer K. suggested this: “How to kiss gently. My mouth is not like a piece of bread you used to jab your tongue through and then wiggle it around when you were a kid.” Here’s my version of that tip, for men and women: The next time you kiss someone, stop trying all those little habits and tricks and maneuvers that you’ve picked up over time and just try to kiss the other person exactly the same way that they’re kissing you. I’m not saying you should do that every time, but it’s an exercise that will make you more aware of the other person, which is what kissing’s all about.

34. When you get rid of dress shoes, save the laces for your next pair of dress shoes. This is a frugal tip, but I’m so glad I stumbled upon it. Laces always break at the worst possible time, like when you have to tie your shoes and go to work and not look like an 18th-century homeless man. So you should always have a spare pair of laces on hand. A backup to that spare are the laces from your previous pair of dress shoes. Seriously, this saved me the other day.

35. If you decide you don’t want to go on a date, just tell the woman you don’t go on the date—don’t make up a lame excuse. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard from a woman that this has happened to her while dating, and it blows my mind. You all know that women realize that you made up a lame excuse, right? It makes you look stupid and it makes them feel bad, so it’s a lose-lose scenario. If you make plans with someone and then realize you’re not into them, tell them you’re not into them and cancel the date. Sure, approximately 10% of women will be all, “How do you know you’re not into me if you’ve never met me?” That’s always fun. But the other 90% will appreciate your honesty, even if it stings a little to hear. Women, if you need to clarify this point, please do so in the comments–and keep in mind that this one applies to you too.

I look forward to reports on the exercises described in #32 and #33 in the future.

Ever since Ted Danson gathered a lovable group of misfits at his tavern, every successful (and unsuccessful) sitcom has featured The Hangout.  Be it Monk’s, Central Perk, McLaren’s – wherever.  Every modern sitcom has a place where everybody know’s your name, where the protagonists can meet at 2 PM on a weekday, air their thoughts on the problems of the day and chat with the strangely eloquent staff.

My life is no different.  Instead of a bar, however, I have the gym.  And instead of friends, I have Gym People.

Now, anyone who goes to the gym with any regularity knows what I’m talking about.  I don’t know these people.  I don’t lift with these people.  I don’t even talk to them.  For all I know, they are there all day, just waiting for my arrival.  But they are my friends.  In an uncertain world, I know I can count on the Bicep Men to seek attention by grunting loudly.

I know the Really Strong Guys (who are never cut) will be in the corner, standing beside – but never lifting  – a bar they have filled to the edges with 45-pound plates.  I know the Tan Girl will be on the treadmill right beside the door, and I know the Dumpy Guy (who stays dumpy despite working out every day) will do sit ups until he sees the treadmill beside her open up.  But he won’t say anything, despite me sending him happy thoughts.  No one will be happier than me when the Dumpy Guy makes his move.

I enjoy seeing The Guy with the Magnets on his Neck and The Girl in Black.  Popeye and The Professor are always a welcome sight.  The Stretching Girls seem so nice.  I love my Gym Friends.   Except one…

BETTER BRAD.

Better Brad is, without a doubt, my greatest nemesis in life.  No matter when I show up, he’s there, with color coordinated clothes and a full head of hair.  He looks like me, but tanner, more muscular and without an oddly flat right side of his face.  He does my workout, but with more weight.  He gets on the bike beside me and pedals faster.  He does leg lifts while I do sit ups.  He claps in between his pushups.  He never sweats.  He is Better Brad.

Around 6 months ago, I went to get a smoothie after working out.  Who pulls up beside my minivan?  Better Brad, in a sports car.  We walk in.  I ordered a medium Angel Food.  Better Brad ordered a large.  It was on that day I decided some way, somehow, I was going to defeat Better Brad.

My first attempt to do so began with me lifting 135 pounds over my head and ended in the hospital.  The second ended with me lying in bed, unable to move after losing a stationary bike race.  So my quest to become Best Brad is on hold.  I need some help.  Maybe the Really Strong Guys can help me.

So, am I crazy?  Does anyone else have friends like these that you don’t actually know?

Well pick up where we left off last time:

This post is for guys, so here's something for the ladies.

23. How to serve rice in a classy way. I learned this from my friend Eric. After you make some sticky rice, scoop it out of the pot with a quarter cup measuring cup. Put that aside for one second while you dress the plate with a fancy ziz-zag of sauce. Then take the measuring cup of rice, turn it upside down on the plate (square plates work best for this), and pat the top of it until the rice falls out. It’ll hold the shape of the measuring cup. Put a little sprig of something on top (really, anything green and leafy will do). Don’t reveal your secret.

24. How to laugh at yourself. Show your weaknesses, your indulgences, your mistakes, your doubts, your goof-ups to the world, and the world will love you for it. At least I think that’s what’s happening…

25. How to take off a bra with one hand. I may have put this on one of these lists before. I’m having deja vu. Regardless, you should know how to do this. I could describe it, but you’re better off looking on YouTube for a how-to video. And then practice on a willing subject. Use this power wisely once you attain it. Do not, for example, undo your girlfriend’s bra in a restaurant or at a dinner party while she’s at the table.

26. How to ask questions: Only ask questions about things you genuinely want to know. Once you start doing this, you’ll realize that there are a lot of things that you genuinely want to know, and they’re much more invigorating than all of those questions that you used to ask out of obligation or expectation. And you’ll get much more interesting, honest answers too.

27. Flirtation is the key to keeping chemistry alive. I’ve always wondered how I might be able to maintain a high level of chemistry with a woman after months or years or a lifetime. So much changes over time: Your looks, your personality, your interests, your friends, your priorities, your sleep schedule. But one thing that you have complete control over is how you flirt with your significant other. Make that choice every day. Flirt incessantly and shamelessly without expectation (don’t flirt to get something from your partner–flirt to give something to your partner…attention, love, a little hormonal surge. Any of those will do.)

28. Don’t complain on Facebook or Twitter unless it’s funny. This goes back to #24 a little bit. I would go as far as to say that this is a universal rule. It’s about more than finding a good way to engage and connect with people online. It’s also about finding a way to both feel your pain and find something lifegiving in it at the same time. Think about this the next time you have bad news or an annoyance to share on Facebook. How can you share it so that people will smile instead of taking pity on you?

How many of these do you already know and do?

The part that really got to me was this quote from Tebow:

Here you are, about to play a game that the world says is the most important thing in the world. Win and they praise you. Lose and they crush you. And here I have a chance to talk to the coolest, most courageous people. It puts it all into perspective. The game doesn’t really matter. I mean, I’ll give 100 percent of my heart to win it, but in the end, the thing I most want to do is not win championships or make a lot of money, it’s to invest in people’s lives, to make a difference.

That makes me want to root for this guy. It’s hard not to root for him when you find out that he’s doing these types of things before the game:

Every week, Tebow picks out someone who is suffering, or who is dying, or who is injured. He flies these people and their families to the Broncos game, rents them a car, puts them up in a nice hotel, buys them dinner (usually at a Dave & Buster’s), gets them and their families pregame passes, visits with them just before kickoff (!), gets them 30-yard-line tickets down low, visits with them after the game (sometimes for an hour), has them walk him to his car, and sends them off with a basket of gifts.

After I posted the link on Facebook, a friend contacted me with her thoughts about Tebow and other professional athletes. I thought the way she described the delicate balance with which she respects Tebow and yet does not like the way the media (and his fans) puts him on a pedestal was beautifully written, so I asked if I could publish her e-mail below. Here are Neha’s thoughts:

As is generally recognized, Tebow is not a particularly skillful QB. That’s not to say he lacks talent, or that he doesn’t display potential to become great, but if you compare him to other QB’s, his athletic talent doesn’t account for the immense amount of attention he is receiving. The attention is derived from his public display of faith, which is polarizing.

Personally, I don’t agree with the detractors who criticize him for displaying his faith. He’s religious, and that faith doesn’t leave him when he goes to work–ok by me. What bothers me are some of his supporters (and Fox News), who use his personal expressions of faith to their own end–as support for the idea that our country unjustly persecutes people who want to display their Christian faith.

For one thing, that argument is just not true. For another, it’s hypocritical where many (not all) of the people in that camp are conservatives who either support, or are not offended by, actual religious persecution (i.e., where are all the supportive tweets when schools try to ban Muslim girls from wearing a hijab?)

Back to the original point–Tebow’s fame is coming not from athletic talent, but from the fact that he exhibits the traits of a good man. Traits like those found in that ESPN article you tweeted. He’s generous with his time and money, he’s modest, he’s loyal to his convictions. I think that’s great. But does that make me a “fan?” No, because I don’t think he should be given more credit than those who also exhibit those qualities, but at greater personal sacrifice, just because he’s a famous athlete.

In fact, I expect athletes in his position to do the things described in that ESPN article. I think our society has suffered because in the last few decades, our expectations of our fellow Americans has just deteriorated. I don’t get all these articles praising Tebow for being a great role model in a world of Michael Vicks. Why are we comparing down?

Just because there are irresponsible celebrities, do responsible ones get extra credit? Shouldn’t it simply be that Tebow is behaving in exactly the manner we should expect of someone in his position? And when you praise someone for doing something they should be doing anyway, aren’t you kind of reinforcing the notion that the behavior is special? And when something is “special” how can it become the norm?

Tebow is generous with his time and money, yes. I know so many wonderful people who don’t have nearly as much free time or money as Tebow who do exactly the things for which he is garnering accolades. And these people do their good work, at much greater personal sacrifice, even though they will never receive public adoration or attention. And quite frankly, when they do receive notice, like on a 10 o’clock news puff piece, the public doesn’t seem to care nearly as much as they do when the do-gooder is a celebrity. Knowing that these people exist, I EXPECT celebrities who are in positions of privilege, to do good things–they don’t get extra credit for it.

Here’s why: I want celebrities to be fully aware of the fact that for the most part, they don’t deserve the money they make, they haven’t earned it, at least not by my standards. Our society has decided that actors and athletes are valued at millions of dollars. This is true, even though those jobs, relative to many others, are quite enjoyable and dare I say, easier than many others. Athletes love playing their sport, I think it would be sufficient if their compensation was that they get to do what they love for a living, have fame and adoration, a voice that can make a difference, and a reasonable salary.

Instead, Tebow will make millions, and ye teachers, public defenders, social workers, police officers etc., struggle to make a living wage and support a family. I expect athletes to recognize that they are lucky, that there is a discrepancy in their pay, that they don’t deserve to make as much money as they do. And that recognition should manifest itself in them being good people, generous people.

So in sum, I’m not a “fan” of Tebow because he doesn’t have the skills yet for me to admire him as an athlete. And I can’t be a fan of him based on his good heart anymore than I’m a fan of anyone who is privileged and recognizes that and acts accordingly. I do respect him, and think he’s a good man, I just don’t think he should get so much attention for it. Otherwise, instead of being the norm, he will remain the exception.

This is Jamey again. What do you think? How do you feel about Tebow and the way the media treats him? Should all athletes be held to a high standard of generosity?

Modern-day athletes continue to celebrate in unique and ever-changing ways. There’s the butt pat, the high five, the fist pound, the chest bump, the hug, the kiss, the double kiss, the excited tangle, the victory dance, the pileup, the headbutt, and the uniform tear.

I love it when athletes celebrate as long as they’re not directly mocking the opponent. You just scored a touchdown or a goal in front of millions of people–celebrate! Let us feel your joy!

But there’s one type of celebration I really don’t understand: The type that puts you in physical danger.

Some examples of that are listed in my second paragraph. But there’s one such example that has become extremely prevalent in professional football and basketball: The midair celebratory bump.

You’ve seen this happen. A player scores a touchdown. One of his team mates runs over, and the two players jump into the air and basically bounce off each other.

What?

Pretend that you’re a football coach observing this type of celebration from afar. You have highly paid 300-pound men jumping high in the air and colliding into one another, intentionally throwing both players off balance as they try to land on the ground. This is just asking for a torn Achilles or a strained ankle.

Is anyone else seeing what I’m seeing?!

I say let’s keep it clean from now on. Reduce the risk of injury and go back to the way the Romans did it. Especially if we’re talking about women’s beach volleyball.

1. Buy a well-fitting peacoat from J.Crew (and get it cleaned once a year). I have a very well-fitting peacoat that I bought in Oxford. I clean it once every two years.
2. Have a signature drink. Does Bud Select count? (seriously)
3. Own several pairs of dark-wash straight-leg jeans. I literally just bought bootcut jeans. I don’t like them bunching around the tops of my shoes. Damn.
4. Wait until all women have gotten on or off an elevator before you get on or off. Definitely. That’s standard Southern hospitality.
5. When you think a girl looks pretty, say it and make it about her (i.e., “You look so sexy in those boots,” not “Those boots are really cool.”) I like this a lot. Although I’ve learned that you should actually choose the delivery based on your relationship (or lack thereof) with the woman.
6. Avoid asking if someone needs help in a kitchen or at a party–just start helping. There are two types of people in the world at any given time (it changes): People who want to help and people who don’t want to help but want to seem helpful. Don’t ask. Just help.
7. Have one great cologne that’s not from the drugstore. I’ve been fostering Old Spice Pure Sport as my “scent” for years!
8. Your girlfriend’s sibling or parents might be totally nuts, but always defend them. Definitely.
9. Keihl’s for your skin, Bumble and Bumble for your hair. I had to look these up to make sure they weren’t a brand of washer fluid and some sort of bee excrement. I go for Aveno for the skin and American Crew for my hair. Both are a third of the price of Keihl’s and Bumble and Bumble, so they’ll have to do.
10. Guys only need two pairs of shoes: a nice pair of black shoes and a pair of Chuck Taylors. I had to look up “Chuck Taylor” on Zappos. They’re Converse. And really? Low-rise New Balance won’t do?
11. Bring wine or chocolate to everything. Tough for me to think of because gifts are so low among my love languages, but I like the sentiment. I like the idea of being the “chocolate guy.”
12. Get a little jealous now and again, even if you’re not strictly a jealous guy. I’ve heard this before, and I get it, but it’s not easy to do. I’m not a jealous guy. I can pretend if it’s important, though.
13. Don’t shave your chest hair. This really seems to depend on the girl, but in my later years, I’ve noticed more and more women wanting the hair. So I keep the hair. Trim other places, obviously. No one’s stopping me from keeping my nipple hair under control.

At first glance, this is a fairly innocuous situation. But when you dissect it well beyond reasoning, you have a power struggle that has ended friendships, divided families. and started wars.

It’s all about the subtext. If you offer a friend a hug and they offer you a handshake, they are saying that the two of you aren’t as good friends as you thought you were. It’s awkward for both parties, because one of you is all “We’re BFFs!” and the other is all “Let’s keep this professional.”

Research shows that 79% of the time the handshaker will acquiesce and will be enveloped in a hug. This doesn’t just restore the balance; it moves the power over to the hugger. At that point the hugger is all “I’m comfortable with my manhood to the point that I hug my friends” and the handshaker is all “I should have just gone for the hug, and now my right hand is pinned between our chests.”

I would offer a solution, a standard for all dudes to use, but guys are stubborn, and I don’t think any of us are changing. My best suggestion is that both parties meet halfway and do a handshake hug. It’s professional and intimate at the same time, and both dudes walk away feeling manly. Because that’s the most important result of all.

But is that really true? Especially when we’re talking about mega-contracts, those that can exceed $200 million (spread out over many years).

Let’s start with the first claim: That family comes first. Of course that’s true, and I have no problem with it.

My problem is the idea that you need $200 million to take care of your family. If so, you need a new accountant. That’s an obscene amount of money. How much do you really need to take care of you and your family for the rest of your life and theirs? Even if you live an extremely opulent life, that number is far less than $200 million.

Then there’s the second claim: That these mega athletes are team players despite the mega contracts. I think those are contradictory concepts. If you really want your team to win, you should accept less money so your team has more money to attract other top-quality athletes. If a championship is your goal, why not help the team with finances by accepting far less than market value?

Now, that’s easy for me to say–I’m not the one having $200 million waved in my face. But it just seems hypocritical to me that mega-athletes claim that they’re a team player when their salary has a major impact on the rest of the team.

What do you think? This is your last chance to get those comments in for tomorrow’s Comments of the Month entry!

Oh, also, congrats Megan L. to for winning the Ireland blog giveaway!