Best. Prank. Ever.
I love a good prank. By that I mean: An element of misdirection. An element of confusion. No hurt feelings or physical pain. No major inconvenience. Here’s an example of a good prank I pulled a few years ago. But read on, because here’s an example of a great prank pulled on me last week. [...]
Google Books to Continue Scanning the World’s Printed Material with Personal Journals, Diaries
FRANKFURT, Germany (AP) – Eight years after Google initiated its Google Books project for the purpose of making the world’s books searchable in a giant online “library,” the tech conglomerate announced today that it would be expanding its capacity to include private journals and diaries, including yours. Google Library Search, as it was originally called, [...]
Swedish Director of Original “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Film to Remake American Version
STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) - Niels Arden Oplev, director of the 2009 Swedish film “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,” announced today that he was going to remake the 2011 American remake of his film back in the original Swedish. “Specifically,” he clarified from his perch on a fjord, “I’m going to remake the novelization of the [...]
Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 1-10
Here we are, the day of days. It all comes down to this. Thousands of behavioral psychologists have spent the last 72 hours poring over millions of grievances to determine the Top 10 based on humor, truthiness, and topicality, and in the end, my friend Neeraja had the dubious distinction of ranking them. Drumroll please… [...]
Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 11-20
We’re so close to the Top 10! Bryce had the dubious job of selecting the Top 10 through his Top 20 choices, even though it will be Neeraja who ranks them tomorrow. 20. The lack of book covers on e-readers: Can’t we see what trash you’re really reading? 19. People who constantly talk about their [...]
Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 21-30
Today’s grievance rankings are brought to you from Gabby over in DC: 30. Any item of clothing that requires ironing. Seriously, it’s 2011—everything should be wrinkle-free by now. 29. English has no word equivalent to Krummspeck (“grief bacon” in German). 28. Being accused of giving someone “a look.” 27. Q-tips, according to “doctors,” are really [...]
Top Festivus Grievances of 2011: 31-40
The countdown begins. This year I slightly changed things up in three specific ways: In past years, people have written down their grievances at my Festivus party on pieces of paper scattered throughout my condo. This year, thanks to my Whiteyboard (it’s a brand name, not racial commentary) and a white board borrow from work, [...]
Festivus Vlog: The Aftermath
On Saturday, I held my eighth annual Festivus party, this one with a trashy/classy theme. Although my mullet never really filled in to the point of being recognizable, I dressed half and half for the theme. I went into this party with the mentality that it might be the last big Festivus party I hold. [...]
I Lived Through the Floods of Dublin: A Survivor’s True Tale of Survival Against All Odds
(This blog entry was found among the debris in the Irish Sea after the floods of Dublin on 23-24 October 2011. This entry is repeated verbatim minus pictures, because they’re mostly naked pictures of Jamey, and no one wants to see that.) It began with a single drop of rain. I had gone my first [...]
Netflix to Buy US Postal Service
LOS GATOS, California (AP) – In a long-overdue move on Monday, Netflix announced that it would purchase the US Postal Service for $6 billion cash and unlimited movie rentals for a year. Tech bloggers are calling the highly-touted new service “Netflix for mail.” Despite widespread speculation that the move would drastically change the USPS’s core [...]
The Outlaw of St. Louis: A Survivor’s True Tale of Survival Against All Odds
Today, for the first time ever, I was pulled over by the police while driving. This is my story. I was driving back from brunch–something I’m guessing most rebels do on Sunday–when a police car pulled behind me, its lights flashing red and blue. Although I knew I could outrun it in my ’03 Camry, [...]
Milkmen Have It Rough
“Is it his baby…or is it the milkman’s?” Show of hands among the ladies: How many of you have given birth to a baby that you told your husband was his, but it was actually the milkman’s? As often as that phrase is used, you’d think that there would be milkman babies all over the [...]
Are Birds and Bees the Best Sexual Examples for Teaching Kids?
I learned what sex was from an eighth grader on the school bus (I was in seventh grade). When he described it to me, I simply didn’t believe him. I was sure that sex didn’t involve any physical contact. That just didn’t make sense. Every day, thousands of children are subjected to the infamous “birds and the [...]
Clean Plate Club to Close Memberships
EVANSTON, Illinois (AP) – In a long-expected announcement on Wednesday night after dinner, the Clean Plate Club officially closed memberships for what officials called “the foreseeable future.” The CPC, established in 1780 as a way for frustrated parents to incentivize their children to eat everything on their plate, has a membership of over 3 billion. [...]
I Lived Through 45 Minutes of Sub-Zero Temperatures: A Survivor’s True Tale of Survival Against All Odds
This happened when I was home for Christmas. Being home this past weekend triggered the memory, not unlike how a car backfiring triggers flashbacks among war veterans. I was young and bright-eyed once, back in the winter of ’10. An optimistic boy making my way in the world. I was back in the heartland of [...]
Bronx Zoo to Let One Animal Escape Each Month
NEW YORK, New York (AP) – Riding on their recent wave of fame involving a cobra on the loose, the Bronx Zoo has decided to allow one animal to escape each month. “We’ll keep going until we second-guess ourselves,” said zoo warden James Partizzi. The idea was recommended by the publicity firm Starks & Harrison, [...]
The Breakdance Story
I used to be a breakdancer. Thirteen years ago when I was entering college, I was a terrible dancer. To most people that wouldn’t be an issue. But my perception of college was that dancing would be really important. I envisioned an ongoing series of dance parties–both frat and ballroom–and possibly a number of West-Side-Story-style [...]
Local Man to Bake Himself into Pretzel, Live There
ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) – Following a series of food-related housing proclamations at the Soulard farmer’s market, a local man has decided to bake himself into a soft pretzels and live there from now on. Jamey Stegmaier, 30, went to to the farmers market “for the first time in a while” this weekend. While perusing [...]
Special Announcement: jameystegmaier.com Is Going Public!
I have some big news. jameystegmaier.com is going public! That’s right. After years of private investments, several reportedly valued at over $15 million, this blog has filed for an IPO. With over 1,300 employees worldwide, this was bound to happen at some point. But it wasn’t until the fourth round of investment, including cash infusions [...]
I Lived Through Four Days Without Hot Water: A Survivor’s True Tale of Survival Against All Odds
Day 1 It begins. It is Saturday, March 19, 2011. I wake up. I eat oatmeal. I answer e-mail. It is then that I receive the text from my neighbor: “Do you have hot water? I’m wonder if it’s just me!” I check the water. It is cold, cold as the killing fields. Cold as [...]
“Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty” Archrival Expresses Regret, Disappointment
PHOENIX, Arizona (AP) – At his 100th birthday party, Jim Faust, the man who coined the term “Lefty Inflexy, Righty Wobbly” expressed his disappointment that things didn’t turn out differently. “Hudson has something I didn’t,” said Faust, referring to archrival inventor Hudson Sear. “That beautiful face. That damn beautiful face.” Faust and Sear were fierce [...]
Texts from My Roommate
I’ve lived with my roommate, Jess, for over two months now. She’s a great roommate, and I’ve discovered that one of her special abilities is that she composes hilarious texts. By that I don’t mean that Jess texts a lot and mixes in some humor. I mean that Jess carefully composes the majority of her [...]
Mom Stories: Part 1
One of the most endearing, loving, and amusing things my mother does is overprepare me for travel abroad. It all started back in 2001 when I was headed to Kyoto for the year. Concerned about the quality of the water in Japan (a first-world country where people don’t, contrary to popular belief, drink unfiltered toilet [...]
The Canoe Story
Many moons ago, back in the days when there were such things as “summer breaks,” I went canoeing with my friends Trevor and Chris on a tiny river in Virginia. When I say “tiny,” I mean tiny. It was but a stone’s throw from one side to the other (distance in backwoods Virginia is measured [...]
