I Lived Through Four Days Without Hot Water: A Survivor’s True Tale of Survival Against All Odds
Day 1 It begins. It is Saturday, March 19, 2011. I wake up. I eat oatmeal. I answer e-mail. It is then that I receive the text from my neighbor: “Do you have hot water? I’m wonder if it’s just me!” I check the water. It is cold, cold as the killing fields. Cold as [...]
“Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty” Archrival Expresses Regret, Disappointment
PHOENIX, Arizona (AP) – At his 100th birthday party, Jim Faust, the man who coined the term “Lefty Inflexy, Righty Wobbly” expressed his disappointment that things didn’t turn out differently. “Hudson has something I didn’t,” said Faust, referring to archrival inventor Hudson Sear. “That beautiful face. That damn beautiful face.” Faust and Sear were fierce [...]
Texts from My Roommate
I’ve lived with my roommate, Jess, for over two months now. She’s a great roommate, and I’ve discovered that one of her special abilities is that she composes hilarious texts. By that I don’t mean that Jess texts a lot and mixes in some humor. I mean that Jess carefully composes the majority of her [...]
Mom Stories: Part 1
One of the most endearing, loving, and amusing things my mother does is overprepare me for travel abroad. It all started back in 2001 when I was headed to Kyoto for the year. Concerned about the quality of the water in Japan (a first-world country where people don’t, contrary to popular belief, drink unfiltered toilet [...]
The Canoe Story
Many moons ago, back in the days when there were such things as “summer breaks,” I went canoeing with my friends Trevor and Chris on a tiny river in Virginia. When I say “tiny,” I mean tiny. It was but a stone’s throw from one side to the other (distance in backwoods Virginia is measured [...]
Valentine’s Day: Twilight Special
For having lived together for just over a month, my roommate and I have talked about Twilight surprisingly often. Even more surprising is that I’ve never read the Twilight books, nor do I plan to. But they make excellent conversation fodder. Jess (roommate) revealed to me that after making fun of Twilight for a while, [...]
What Happened Here?
I came back from a New Year’s party to find this in my parking lot (I waited until daylight to take the photo): I’m somewhat amused, but mostly horrified and curious about this. First, whatever happened, I hope no one got hurt. Second, what happened?! My best guess is that this person hit something on [...]
Ohio State Trounced by Little Sisters of the Poor in Bowl Warmup
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) – In an astounding upset, the Ohio State University football team was defeated by the Little Sisters of the Poor’s club team 57-3 in a bowl warmup game. The game was scheduled as a friendly match following OSU president E. Gordon Gee’s comments in November comparing Boise State University and Texas Christian [...]
Pizza Hut Launches New “Krusts 4 Kids” Program
DALLAS, Texas (AP) – In a much-anticipated announcement on Thursday, Pizza Hut announced that it would launch a new initiative geared towards infants just in time for the holidays. “Krusts 4 Kids,” as the program is dubbed, is a recycling program for uneaten pizza crusts. Instead of throwing away discarded crusts, Pizza Hut will repackage [...]
The Top Festivus Grievances of 2010: 1-10
I just realized that I haven’t been giving all of the judges credit for all the hard work, the hours of research, the sweat and blood they lost while ranking the top 40 Festivus grievances of 2010. Leo took care of 31-40. Josh then handled 21-30. Gabby stepped in and did a great job with [...]
Top Festivus Grievances of 2010: 11-20
20. The phrase, “It is what it is.” 19. Non-foaming hand soap—You think I have the time or energy to make you foam? 18. Bread = good. Bread + butter = great. Bread ‘n Butter pickles? = Taste like feet. 17. Mothballs! Not quite as tasty as gumballs. 16. East. Always a sunrise, never a [...]
Top Festivus Grievances of 2010: 21-30
30. People who live on the third floor and take the elevator…seriously? 29. People who pay for diet pills with cash and bacon and butter with food stamps. 28. Being so positive that I can’t think of any damn grievances. 27. People who discuss their children’s intimate secrets health details on Facebook. I don’t need [...]
Top Festivus Grievances of 2010: 31-40
Due to the abundance of quality grievances this year, I picked 50 out of the 135 or so written down at my Festivus party (some of which were originally posted by readers on this blog) and sent them to my friend Leo (none of the judges were at the party). Leo narrowed the list to [...]
New Zealand to Rest of World: “We’re Not Middle Earth”
WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) – In a long-expected move, the New Zealand Parliament voted unanimously to spend $50 million (NZD) on a marketing campaign to clarify to foreigners that the country is not, in fact, the same as Middle Earth. Following the vote, foreign affairs spokesperson James Radcliffe noted the country has “complete respect” for the movie [...]
The Legend of T-Mac
This past Friday, November 12, marked the birthday of my best friend Trevor (known in the forums as T-Mac). If you’re a longtime reader, you may recall seeing a story about him eating a very old tray of lasagna a while back. It was also for him and his new wife that I gave a [...]
Cats Show Up in Record Numbers to Vote Against Puppy Mill Bill
ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) – Registered feline voters appeared in droves to vote against the controversial Proposition B, which, if passed, would have imposed strict, pro-dog guidelines upon in-state breeders. “The more dogs locked up in constricting 2 x 4 containers, the better,” said Cat Alliance spokesperson Mittens McWhiskers, referring to the clause that would [...]
My Favorite Childhood Halloween Costume
Before the days of Man vs. Wild, Top Gun wingmen, and Dharma Initiative costumes, there was trick-or-treating. The primary objective was the acquisition of candy needed to last until Christmas. Costumes were simply the currency we exchanged for the candy. I honestly don’t remember a lot of my childhood Halloween costumes, but a few stand out. My [...]
The Best Map of the US #2
Time for another map of the US. This one was submitted by John after three beers: There’s an artistic simplicity here. It looks like John drew the outline of the map without lifting his pen off the paper, which is an achievement upon itself. Aside from the odd little peninsula up near Massachusetts, I’m more curious about [...]
The Best Map of the US #1
A month ago, I asked readers to submit hand-drawn maps of the US…that they drew while intoxicated. Yeah, I haven’t heard from anyone about that. I did, however, receive the contribution below (drawn on Microsoft Paint by fellow blogger Lorena while sober). Look below the drawing for analysis and info about how you can contribute a [...]
Prank Wars
As I’ve written about before, I love a good prank. Some sleight of hand where you have someone thinking one thing while something else is going on. Something that doesn’t offend or inconvenience the target, but it fools them for some amount of time. Thus it’s no surprise that I love College Humor’s Prank Wars. [...]
Stop Here on Red?
Today I got stuck behind a car that stopped in front of a road sign that read “Stop Here on Red” and did not continue to turn. No big deal. Road signs can be misinterpreted. And for all I know, I don’t know what that sign means. In my book, “Stop Here on Red,” means, [...]
The Roast
A friend of mine and fellow blogger, Harley May, occasionally roasts author friends of hers. She’s absolutely hilarious, and recently she graciously agreed to roast me as well. She used the photo that as use in the header of my blog to write a hilarious blog entry about a day in the life of Jamey [...]
Two Phrases to Phase Out
“What do I look like–chopped liver?” When people use this expression, they’re trying to say that you’re not giving them the attention or credit they deserve. It’s true that chopped liver deserves no attention or credit–it’s disgusting. But who looks like chopped liver?! Much less, why would you make people consider the possibility that you [...]
The Nap Story
I don’t know how to tell this story the best way. I’ll tell it the only way I know how. Also, I feel like I’ve told it on the blog before, but I searched for it and couldn’t find it, so here it is. I’ve told a few stories on this blog about the time [...]
