This is a Mars vs. Venus entry, meaning I’m going to share my male perspective, and then at the end of the entry you can click over to my blogger friend Katy’s blog for the female perspective on flirting.

I’ve always enjoyed flirting, but over the past year I’ve had a series of epiphanies about the importance of flirting to romantic relationships.

You see, I love the chase. Getting to know someone new, not knowing whether or not they’re interested or what they’re ready for…all that tension and suspense and curiosity. Love it.

But I’ve never been able to sustain the high I feel when the chase is on. It always dies down. So I started to wonder if there was a way to sustain the chase after you commit to someone.

Then I realized that the answer was right in front of me: In a relationship, you can sustain the excitement of the chase through intentional flirtation.

“Intentional” is really important here. Flirtation is a choice. Do you not think of yourself as a good flirter? Keep trying until you get it right. Do you not flirt with your husband or wife? Start doing it. Today. It’s really important. Do you often get stuck in the friend zone? It might be because you’re not flirting.

Also, let me be clear about what I mean by flirtation. I don’t mean signals or playful banter. Those things are important, but by flirtation I specifically mean doing something to get a rise out of someone else. To turn them on a little bit or ignite a spark of chemistry.

It’s sexual, but I think that true flirtation should exist independent of sex. Don’t flirt with someone because you want them to have sex with you right away. If you do, that person may stop responding well to flirtation because it’ll feel like a game, a means to an end. Rather, flirt for the sake of flirting. Flirt for the fun of the moment. Flirt because it feels good right now.

So here’s what I have to offer: 3 physical flirtation tips and 3 non-physical tips. I am by no means an expert. In fact, I can be quite awkward at times. But I think these tips are pretty universal–they apply to men and women.

Physical

1. Proximity. Stand or sit too close to the other person.
2. Physicality. Touch the person on their arm/leg, escalating the touch if they reciprocate.
3. Focus. Make intense eye contact from time to time. Don’t stare–just show the other person that you see them and only them.

Non-Physical

1. Mention nudity. For example,  talk about when you’re naked at home, the last time you took a shower, etc. Be bold and make their mind wander.
2. Ask the other person what they’re wearing. It’s such a simple, innocuous question, but it shows the other person that you’re picturing them in your mind at that moment, and it gives the chance to have some fun with their response.
3. Send the other a photo of yourself, or part of yourself. With photos, what is left barely revealed is a lot sexier than revealing what’s underneath. Some people are afraid of photos getting spread around, so don’t include your face in the photo if that’s your concern.

What do you think? How important do you think flirtation is in a relationship? What are some ways that you get a rise out of people through flirtation? Head on over to see what Katy has to say about flirtation.

I mentioned this idea to fellow blogger Penelope, and we decided to write companion entries about things we find expectedly sexy about the opposite sex. The pattern I see in my responses is I find women unexpectedly sexy doing things or in situations that are stereotypically male; also, if a woman shows that she is aware of the needs of others–especially strangers–I find that incredibly sexy. There are a few others that fit into neither category.

How to Be Unexpectedly Sexy (for Women)

1. Smile. It’s that easy. The next time you walk by a guy, smile at him. You’ll make his day
2. Make an Excel spreadsheet
3. Be a sportscaster
4. Hold the door open for someone
5. Be attentive to the elderly
6. Pet my cat (literally…my cat, Biddy)
7. Wear high socks with stripes
8. Know instinctively where I’m going to pass in Frisbee or soccer and move to that position
9. Buy fresh food at the grocery store
10. Get popcorn and a drink at the movie theater

I hope this doesn’t come across as chauvinistic. I’m pretty sensitive to that ever since someone accused me of being a chauvinist in the comments section in a post a few months ago.

What’s something you find unexpectedly sexy about your gender of choice? Go check out Penelope’s perspective too!

1. Assuming no mapping technology (internet, GPS, etc.), what do you do when you get lost?

Stop immediately and ask for directions, so as not to waste time or go out of the way.

Get naked and run down the street screaming. Or, if I don’t panic, I call my girlfriend.

2.  How many times per year do you cry?

Ten. Jamey seems to have a sensitive side, and ten is a little under once a month.  Totally just a guess.

I’m a huge crier at sappy, emotional things. I see a lot of movies and cry at least once a movie on average, so probably about 40 times a year.

“Sensitive” is a bit of an understatement. Well, when it comes to watching movies. I think I teared up twice while watching Invincible the other day. And then I went to try out for the Rams.

Lauren guess for me exactly what I guessed for her.

3.  What is your pet peeve about the opposite gender?

Women are too emotionally charged.

Women who make assumptions and hide their true intentions.

4.  TV on at bedtime or no?

No.  I bet Jamey reads before lights out and then it’s off to dreamland.

Never! I don’t want a television in the bedroom.

Perfect. Well done, Lauren.

5.  Would you rather receive a sentimental/thoughtful gift, expensive gift or a practical gift?

Practical gift.

Practical.

6.  Would you rather have fun or save money?

Save money.

I don’t necessarily see the two contradicting one another. I can be frugal, but I like to retain money for “big fun,” like trips and adventures. I can usually be convinced to order a “fun” meal instead of eating what we had planned.

7.  How many minutes per day do you spend getting ready?

25, including a shower.

It takes me about 35 minutes to go to the bathroom, shave, shower, dry, go to the bathroom again, get dressed, and do hair/deodorant. I eat breakfast at work and brush teeth afterwards. It’s a precise regimen that cannot be interrupted by woman nor beast.

8.  Assuming you lived within 20 minutes of your parents, how often would you visit them?

Once a month.

Once a month. Maybe more for little things.

Wow, Lauren batted .500 today! Now click over to Lauren’s blog to see if I know anything about women (specifically, Lauren).

What types of assumptions do you make about women or men? What types of assumptions do people make about you? What are your answers to these questions?

Today’s Mars vs. Venus post is Part 1 of a 2-part series. Lauren and I came up with a list of questions for which we think the answers will vary based on gender. We first guessed what the other person will answer, and then exchanged our actual answers (much like “The Newlyweds Game”). After each question, you’ll see what Lauren thought my answer would be in pink (because she’s a girl and girls have to like pink by federal law), and my actual answer in blue.

On the Topic of Dating and Commitment:

1. Rank in order of importance for attraction prior to first date (1 being the most important):

___2___ Physical attractiveness ___1___

___3___ Sense of humor ___2___

___1___ Intelligence___3___

___5___ Financial standing ___5___

___4___ Appearance (i.e. fashion, hygiene, maintenance, etc.) ___4___

I appreciate that Lauren gave me credit for not putting looks before everything else, but in truth, if I’m not physically attracted to you, there’s not going to be a date. I really don’t consider that shallow. I really just think that there has to be physical attraction and chemistry for a date to work. Everything else is very important–in fact, the success of a first date is much more contingent on humor and intelligence.

2. Would you prefer high-maintenance/looks fantastic OR laid back/less “together”?

Laid back/less “together”

Laid back/less “together”

3. Do you wait for the other person to say “I love you” first, even if you already feel it?

Yes.

I wait until I’m pretty confident she feels it too, even if she hasn’t said it.

Really? I’m surprised by Lauren’s answer. I mean, somebody has to say it first. I don’t mind putting myself out there if it’s how I feel (and if I feel like it’s not going to create an awkward situation).

4. What constitutes cheating? a. kissing b. sex c. anything in-between d. emotional relationship e. flirting/dancing

a. b. c. and d.

a. b. c. and d.

I’ll be honest–I changed my answer on this. I didn’t include (d) before. But if my girlfriend falls in love with someone else, that seems like cheating to me. If she’s in love with someone else, I want her to be with him, not me.

5. Is a little jealousy preferred, in order to know your significant other cares?

Yes.

No, jealousy is not good. There are better ways to show that you care.

6. What is the minimum/maximum a couple should date before getting engaged?

Min – 1 year; Max – 5 years

Min – 1 year; Max – 5 years

Lauren somehow got this exactly right without looking.

7. How long should an engagement be?

1 year

As short as possible—as soon as I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want the rest of my life to start immediately (thanks, When Harry Met Sally!)

8. Once in a committed relationship, should you maintain friendships with the opposite sex?

Yes.

Yes, definitely. I need you to have other outlets than me.

a. Should you start new friendships with the opposite sex?

Yes.

Yes. If you say you’re with me, I believe you, so you can explore new friendships at your leisure.

9. How often should your significant other go out for the night with friends?

1-2 nights/week.

Once a week at least.

10. When living together, but before married, should a couple share expenses or keep them separate?

Separate.

Share expenses, but whoever makes more money pays for more.

Separate? Really? Why? I’m not talking all expenses–I’m talking about things that you share by living together, like utilities, food, rent, etc.

11. After a break up, is it better to cut all ties or stay in touch?

Take a period of distance, but catch back up with each other in the future.

Stay in touch. I tend to get over breakups quickly and want to switch to friendship mode.

Now click over to Lauren’s blog and read what I thought she would answer versus her actual answers for the same questions!

What do you think about these answers? Both the answers themselves and the contrasts between what the female assumptions were versus the male realities? Keep in mind that Lauren was answering for me specifically, not men in general.

A reader recently e-mailed me the following question, and I thought it was perfect for Mars vs. Venus:

“What are your thoughts (and experiences) on becoming friends with someone before asking them on a date? How does the ‘Friend Zone’ work for males and females?”

Sometimes the Friend Zone Is a Good Place...and Yes, We Were Drinking

Ah, the Friend Zone. We’ve all been there in some form or another. Maybe you’ve been friends with someone for a while and have started to develop stronger feelings for them. Maybe you just met someone new and want to learn more about them before you see if they’re interested in dating. Maybe you’ve hung out with someone in groups but want to get to know them more personally.

I don’t think there is a “correct” method for entering, existing in, or exiting the Friend Zone. In general, I would say two things: One, don’t be afraid of rejection. Sometimes people ask others to hang out “as friends” because it’s safer than asking out the person on a date. Relationships aren’t safe. Two, pay attention to the other person. If they’re not interested in you, you’ll know it. And if you don’t–sometimes signals are really hard to interpret–just put your cards on the table and ask them what they think about the idea of going out sometime.

I can’t think of any experiences I have where I befriended a girl to see if I want to eventually ask her out. For some reason it seems like an empty gesture–in a way, you’re faking a friendship to see who the person really is. Sure, there’s the possibility you’ll end up just being friends, but I’d say it’s pretty unlikely (Lauren and I will address this in a future post). Mostly, if I’m attracted to a woman and want to get to know her better after a short period of flirtation, I ask her out.

What I do have experience with–one specific experience–is being friends with a girl and eventually asking her out. I won’t name names, but there’s one particular girlfriend who I knew for a long time before we dated. We weren’t the type of friends who hung out one-on-one, but we shared a group of friends for a while and got to know one another. Eventually we started e-mailing, and it became clear that both of us were interested in getting to know the other.

The tough part of that situation is that once you really start feeling someone out in that way (say, over e-mail), it’s tough to tone things down again. Is there a good exit strategy? If you suddenly stop corresponding, it’s clear that you’re no longer interested, and there’s a good chance the other person will take that personally (which sucks if you want to remain friends with them). I don’t think there’s a magical formula for an exit strategy. I think maybe the best way is to change your e-mail length/tone/rate of response in a noticeable way, and if the other person doesn’t take the hint, just be direct with them. It might be an awkward conversation, but it could save your group-level friendship.

I think the overall key is to come to terms with rejection. It’s okay if someone doesn’t have romantic feelings about you. That doesn’t mean they don’t value you in other ways. It’s really tough to not take rejection personally, but I say put yourself out there, be vulnerable, be open, and respond with confidence to whatever happens.

What are your thoughts about the Friend Zone? What do you think about signals versus being blunt? I lean greatly towards being blunt. Are you really going to end up being friends with this girl? One-on-one friends? Probably not. So put your balls on the table and ask her out. (Sorry about the blunt image, but this was a paragraph about being blunt. Please don’t actually put your balls on any table.)

Now go on over to Lauren’s blog and read her female perspective on this topic.

That’s just one example out of thousands. The point is that it’s been on my mind. A lot. To compound to those thoughts, this is the first year that I’ve felt like I’ve really connected with people online. My blog audience has grown, and the comment sections are much more active than ever before. Add to that the connections I’ve met with genuine people on Twitter. These relationships feel akin to actual friendships.

And yet I’ve never met any of these people in real life.

Until yesterday.

By now you’re probably familiar with Lauren. She and I have started collaborating on a Mars vs. Venus series of blog entries that contrast male and female perspectives. She’s fantastic, insightful blogger over at my life, incomplete, and her audience is rapidly growing.

Lauren and her boyfriend were visiting St. Louis this weekend for a mini-vacation of sorts (in some circles, St. Louis is called the “Hawaii of the midwest), so she asked if I’d be interested in grabbing a mid-afternoon beer with them. We decided to blog about the experience since it was the first time that either of us had met an online friend in person. Here’s Lauren’s entry. (We haven’t read each other’s entries as of this posting.)

Through our online interactions, I had a pretty good idea of the type of person Lauren would be (i.e., not crazy). I was curious, however, about how she and her boyfriend would interact with a third party in person. After all, someone could be completely socially adept online but not at all in person. Plus, given my long-distance relationship over the past year and recent singledom, I know what it’s like to be a third wheel. Sometimes couples get a little too snuggly or inside-jokey, and that’s when it starts to get awkward.

Fortunately, I found hanging out with Lauren and Doug to be really easy and not awkward at all. I didn’t think about this until right now, but it actually helped the conversation that they didn’t sit right next to each other. We were all spaced out evenly around a booth at Brennan’s. I’m not sure if it was intentional on their part, but it kind of made me feel like an equal in the conversation instead of the third wheel that I was.

I really enjoy Lauren’s frank, to-the-point commentary on her blog, and that’s how she is in person. She’s a very strong woman, and I can see why she’s starting to gain some momentum and clout in the single-parenting niche. I’ve had limited interaction with Doug on the comment boards of Lauren’s blogs, but he was a great guy in person–intelligent, down-to-earth, and really friendly. He was very confident and not over-protective of Lauren–given the scenario of some random dude meeting up with his girlfriend, I can see how some guys would have made it a point to stake claim of their girlfriend. But it’s clear that Doug has a high level of respect and trust for Lauren, and he seemed to grant me that trust as well.

Aside from all these observations, I just had a darn good time. We met up around 3:00 and hung out for a good 3 hours, the two of them drinking me under the table in the process. These are the type of people I’d hang out with if they lived in St. Louis. Funny, engaging, good storytellers, and completely open to any conversation topic.

Also, one interesting thing to note about meeting someone with whom your primary communication has been blog reading and comments is that you know them by their blog posts. This means you can’t presume that you truly know them through and through, but at the same time, you know some fairly personal things about them. I thought that helped conversation–our chat was friendly and fun at times, and in others it was refreshingly deep.

Writing all this, I’m rather curious to see what Lauren says. She and Doug could have had a completely different impression of me–I really don’t know. I just tried to be myself, and after a few beers, it’s not like I had a choice in the matter.

Overall, this makes me want to meet more people that I’ve connected with online. So I’ll put this out there: If you’re ever in St. Louis, let’s meet up for a beer. Seriously. Let’s bridge the gap between the digital and the real. And the same goes for my travels–I’m driving from St. Louis to Richmond and back over the next week and a half, in late March I’ll be going to Vegas for a weekend, and I’ll spend a week this summer in the Outer Banks in North Carolina. If you live near any of those areas, let’s meet up. Hopefully Lauren can assure you over on her blog that I’m just a normal guy.

Now go on over to Lauren’s blog and read her post. And let me know your take on meeting online friends in person below. Have you ever done it?

I stumbled across a survey online today about what men want in a women. Obviously I don’t represent all men–these are just my answers. I figured since I’ve been writing a lot more about men, women, and relationships lately that this post would fit right in.

what do you find most attractive in a woman? Non-physical: Great at all types of conversation—banter, flirtation, deep thoughts, non sequitur questions and answers, examination of personal history, etc, humor (funny and general willingness to laugh), nice (and by that I mean aware of her surroundings and attentive to the needs of those around her—like someone who takes a step back when she’s talking in a group of people and someone else wants to join the circle); physical: I’d say the most attractive—or important—physical features to me are hair, waist, face, and legs, in that order.
what is a turn off? The opposite of the above items. Smoking, getting too drunk, unwillingness to get a little drunk (or loosen up), clingy, gives ultimatums, judgmental.
what would your ideal woman look like? It’s really tough to say what “ideal” is. I’d say petite, in shape, somewhat long, silky hair, no or very little makeup, dresses appropriately for her figure.
when you go on date, who do you think should pay? I prefer to pay for the first few dates, and I like it when, around the fourth or fifth date, the woman offers to take me out. Once we’re in a relationship, it’s more even.
what do men like from women? Like, what do we want out of a relationship with a woman? I can only speak for myself. I want physical intimacy—both sexual and non-sexual, I want a supportive nature, I want companionship for activities like movies and parties, and I want someone who I can talk to about anything and who is free to talk about anything with me.
do men like to be in charge or do you like it when women are in charge of things? For the most part, yes, I like to be in charge, but not in a superior way. I want a woman who is on even ground with me.
what should women never do? Assume. Judge. Pout. Wear much makeup. Not have their own friends. Give ultimatums. And never, ever enter a discussion about the relationship late at night (show me a woman who truly understands that and I’ll show you a million guys who want to date that woman).
what should a woman always do? Understand. Laugh. Come up with something new to say. Seduce me. Be vulnerable.
who are women you respect/admire and why? I respect women who are independent, who have and pursue creative passions, who are fiscally responsible, who are well educated, who are confident but not arrogant, and who take care of themselves physically.
do men like natural women or made-up/artificial? Natural. By far. Not even close.
do you like a thin or curvy lady? This is the paradox of men: We like thin, curvaceous women J. Given the choice between the two, thin is more important. Although, thinness is important because it shows that the woman is in shape. If a woman has a tight body that happens to be on the curvy side, that’s great.
what makes men happy or feel appreciated? We all have our different love languages, but for me, I feel most loved and appreciated when a woman goes out of her way to add extra time to my day. Like, maybe she’ll go pick up dinner so I can have some extra time to write. That shows that she’s supportive of my hobbies and that she understands my desire to have time to work on them.
when you are looking for a girlfriend/wife/mate, what are the most important factors or deal breakers? I would say that I need a woman who is generally pretty positive and happy. As I’ve mentioned, a great conversationalist is really important. And a great kisser. Dealbreakers are smoking, doing drugs, and being addicted to anything. Oh, and typos are okay, but you must know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” “its” and “it’s,” and “their,” they’re,” and “there.”
what makes men devalued? I think us men feel devalued if you flirt with someone else right in front of us or if you don’t even notice us when other people are around. I think that goes both ways.
what is something all women could do that would make the world a better place? I think in general, women put too many ultimatums in the name of the relationship on things that are ultimately much more about them. How many times have I heard, “We need to talk about this now.” Do we need to talk about this now, or do you? And of course, individual needs are important, but I think sometimes women have to understand that men may need a chance to collect their thoughts before talking about the relationship now because we don’t spend as much time as you thinking about the relationship. Sometimes I like to respond to relationship questions by e-mail first and then talk later because writing gives me a chance to really think through things, which I think is fair to the woman and to myself.
should a woman depend on a man or be independent? Independent.
do men like ladies with long or short hair? Long.

What about other guys? What do you think? Agree or disagree? Women, you may have to wait to see if Venus over at My Life, Incomplete posts a blog in response sometime (we didn’t coordinate this one).

Tiger Woods. Tiger, Tiger, Tiger.

I’ve visited The Huffington Post more times over the last week than I have in the last year. I’m morbidly fascinated not only by your adultery, but also by whatever the hell happened that fateful night. I’m one of the people who are making the compilation of Jamie Jungers photos rise to the top of “most popular” list. I’m part of the problem.

I’ve watched you play–nay, dominate–golf over the last decade. There’s nothing I like more than to see you crush opponents. I don’t even like Nike, but you embody victory. Huge fan, this guy.

Do I feel that you owe me anything?

Not at all.

Years ago when you realized that you were really, really good at golf, you signed up for a few things:

1. To play professional golf.
2. To make lots of money.

However, what I think most people forget–athletes and fans alike–is that sports are entertainment. If no one watches golf, professional golf ceases to exist. The same goes for any sport, and yet athletes take themselves so seriously. It’s awesome to see Tim Tebow play his heart out, but when you see him crying on the sidelines, I feel like tapping him on the shoulder to remind him that he plays football simply so I can be entertained on Saturdays. That’s it. Athletes are entertainers, just like the gladiators of old were entertainers.

So Tiger signed up to play golf and make lots of money, but as part of the deal, he became an entertainer. What we–the public–forget is that Tiger Woods is a golf entertainer. He’s not a tabloid entertainer. His job is to bring us joy by playing golf. That’s it.

Tiger, I respect that you and your wife have tried to live your wife quietly. I really do. You don’t seem to thrive on the glitz and attention that so many wannabe celebrities do. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is that you just tried to get out of your car in front of the paparazzi, and you forgot to put on underwear.

Once you step into the public eye in any way, your entire life becomes our entertainment. We forget that you are merely a golf entertainer, and we start to think that we can get–that we deserve–more entertainment out of you. This is really sad. I mean, couldn’t we all just go away? Couldn’t we stop refreshing TMZ? Couldn’t we turn to our own lives and realize that they’re just as entertaining–if not moreso–than yours?

Unfortunately not. I already air my dirty laundry out on this blog, and only a few hundred people care. It’s simply better when you’re famous.

This debacle will pass in time. You’ll get your teeth fixed, you and your wife will patch things up, and you’ll go on to play a lot more golf and win a lot more money. We’ll all remember that you’re human and you make mistakes, and we’ll move on.

I’ll tell you what: My Christmas present to you is that I won’t seek out or open articles about your personal life until December 26. That should give you plenty of time to clean up this mess and go back to being a golf entertainer instead of the full-fledged entertainer that you’ve become. Good luck!

Click over to see Lauren’s take on this matter.