In Percy Jackson’s world, the equivalent of Hogwarts (don’t worry, I’ll get to Hogwarts in a minute) is something called Camp Halfblood, where teenagers spend all day clashing swords and shooting bows and arrows. Because those are important skills to have in 2012.

The surprising thing to me about Camp Halfblood is that not only are the children genuinely trying to hurt each other as they train, but their instructors are actually encouraging them to hurt each other. These aren’t plastic swords or Nerf arrows–they’re real! Why are those activities in the curriculum? Why would parents let their kids attend this school?!

Okay, on to Hogwarts. Let’s start with Quidditch. On paper, Quidditch looks like a lively game that’s similar to handball, but with flying players. But in reality, it’s an extremely violent game where you fly around hundreds of feet off the ground and try to knock opposing players off their broomsticks. And even if they don’t plummet to their death, getting hit in the head with a bludger will break your face. Why would you sign up for this game? What parent would let their child play Quidditch?!

Finally, here’s the big one: The Triwizard Tournament. Tell me, parents, would you sign your 14-year-old up for a competition that will require them to (a) fight a dragon, (b) swim through an enchanted lake for upwards of 20 minutes without a breathing apparatus, and (c) run through a maze? (Okay, the maze wouldn’t be all that deadly if Voldemort hadn’t gotten involved.) None of that seems like a good idea.

Despite all that, would you still let your child attend Hogwarts? I’m homeschooling Biddy, that’s for sure.

1. Midnight in Paris: The whimsy of this movie delighted me from the first scene to the last, and the theme of nostalgia has stayed with me like no other film’s theme this year.
2. Harry Potter 7.2: The last few Harry Potter movies left me wanting, but this one fulfilled my every desire for closing out the series. 5 points for Gryffindor!
3. Win Win: How such a simple movie made such an impact on me, I don’t know. It’s heartfelt, funny, and extremely well written.
4. The Fighter: Amazing acting makes this movie stands out, and the fight scenes are some of the best I’ve ever seen on film. Amy Adams in her underwear certainly didn’t hurt.
5. Real Steel: The best action movie of the year. It’s pure popcorn entertainment at its best.
6. Captain America: The First Avenger: The best comic book movie of the year. And it’s a period piece!
7. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: This one is still fresh on my mind, but it deserves recognition for such a tight script and some truly chilling scenes. Rooney Mara is a revelation as Lisbeth Salander.
8. Exit Through the Gift Shop: Probably the most fascinating documentary I’ve ever seen. It’ll let you into a hidden world that you know nothing about.

And my least favorite movies of 2011:

1. The Hangover Part II
2. Young Adult
3. Your Highness
4. Buried
5. Everything Must Go
6. The Dilemma
7. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
8. Percy Jackson & the Lightning Thief

Here’s last year’s list. What were your favorite movies you watched for the first time in 2011?

a. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

b. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

c. Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol

The answer, clearly, is that the first two were sold out, so I was dragged into Mission: Impossible. Fine, I’ll go see a movie by the director of one of my favorite movies (Brad Bird of The Incredibles) with a great cast, futuristic technology, and an extended scene filmed on the exterior of the tallest building in the world. But only if I absolutely have to.

This Mission: Impossible was released on IMAX screens a few days before it will be released on regular screens. There’s nothing I love more than seeing a movie “early,” so that was a big selling point for me. But I thought it would also be a good excuse to see an IMAX movie for the first time even though the closest true IMAX theater is 30 minutes away from me.

My observations:

• IMAX is really proud of itself. There were 3–count them, 3–promotions before the movie that talked about how great IMAX is. It’s as if IMAX is an excited little kid that can’t stop talking about how high he can jump in his new sneakers. I somewhat expected the movie to be interrupted by more IMAX promotions, perhaps voiceovers during key scenes where IMAX footage was featured.
• It’s not that big. Okay, it’s big. At least, it seemed bigger than normal theater screens vertically. But the way it was hyped, I thought the screen was going to rock my world. I thought that walking into theater would be akin to walking into a theater for the first time when I was a little kid (I’m pretty sure my first theater movie was The Jungle Book, but it might have been Showgirls. Apples and oranges.
• Big action scenes are pretty awesome on IMAX. I have to give both Brad Bird and IMAX credit for this–the big action sequences truly are larger than life on IMAX. I can’t think of a better way to watch that Dubai tallest building scene, not to mention the half dozen other action sequences in the movie.

Bottom line, is it worth the $16? For 99% of movie, no. But based on the trailer I saw today for The Dark Knight Rises, for some movies it’s definitely worth it.

What movies have you seen on IMAX, and what do you think?

Explain to me the logic in this. Why on earth are transparent computer screens considered better technological design than current computer screens?

Here’s how I see it: The only benefit to having a transparent screen is that people on the other side can see through it. So if you’re trying to share your work with someone else, they can see it, albeit reversed.

That said, consider all the things that actually make transparent computer screens considerably worse than even an average modern-day screen:

1. People on the other side can see through it. Think about this for two seconds and then tell me if you want the average passerby in your office seeing what’s on your computer screen at any given time. I’m not saying you’re looking at porn at the office, but odds are next to those spreadsheets and e-mail, you have Facebook or AmyAdamscuddleswithcats.com open in the side window.
2. Transparency means lower quality. In movies, the only graphics on transparent computer screens are blue and green lines and text. So, no more 8-million color HD screens. Once you go transparent, you’re jumping back to the Apple 2E in terms of monitor quality. At least you can still play Oregon Trail in the future.
3. Transparency means more distractions. Picture yourself trying to enter data into a spreadsheet on your computer. Now picture yourself doing that while people walk around in the background, directly behind your screen. It would be incredibly distracting.

1. Girl meets guy, girl instantly takes a dislike to guy. Guy does not change and continues to infuriate girl until suddenly girl realised she is in love with said guy.
2. The bad boy who meets a girl who totally changes his bad boy behavior

In a way, these contrivances are opposites–the first is about a bad boy who does not change, while the second is about the bad boy who ends up showing his softer side.

The thing is, it works. Bad boys make good cinema. I’ll state my case with the ultimate bad boy of all time: Han Solo.

Women like Han Solo because he’s cool, dashing, adventurous, and devil-may-care. Men like Han Solo because he’s the epitome of our ego: he does whatever he wants, says whatever he wants, goes wherever he wants…and he still gets the girl.

But the key is that deep down, Han Solo cares. Imagine if he simply hadn’t returned at the end of Episode IV to help destroy the Death Star (spoiler alert!) We’d have a very different impression of Han today. But for whatever reason–the glory, the thrill of battle, or perhaps the hint of a conscience–Han does return, and we love him for it.

Do Han Solo-like bad boys exist in real life? Maybe. Perhaps you women have dated them. Regardless, I’m perfectly happy for that movie trope to persist. I think it makes great entertainment. Without it, we wouldn’t have Han Solo, Captain Jack Sparrow, or Prince Charmont from Ella Enchanted.

“Bob and I are going to splash around in the public fountain. U in?” she wrote.

I texted back. “I wouldn’t step foot in those syringe-filled waters if you paid me.”

Obviously there probably aren’t fresh needles festering in the fountain in my neighborhood. But seriously, who wants to splash around in a public fountain? I guarantee you that people pee in there. Guarantee it.

And yet as noted by alert reader Sarah, people splash around in public fountains in movies all the time. I think they actually prefer it to sprinklers, fire hydrants, and backyard pools because they look better on film. If you’re transcendently happy in the movies, odds are you’ll end up in a public fountain. If you’re clumsy in a movie, chances are you’ll end up falling into a fountain in a mall. And if you get in fight in the movies, especially in England, part of the fight will take place in a fountain (see every Hugh Grant movie ever made).

I would say that people don’t step foot in fountains in real life, but as my friend’s text indicates, clearly people do. But I think this is something people do because of the movies. Movies have taught us that public fountains are good places to rejoice, fall, and fight. Life imitates art.

Have you ever willingly entered a public fountain? If so, please indicate the severity of the toe fungus that you developed immediately afterwards (on a scale from 1-10).

Real Steel (Oct. 7): I’m a sucker for robots fighting each other.

Tower Heist (Nov. 4): I’m also a sucker for a big heist film ala Ocean’s 11.

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (Nov. 4): Name one good reason not to see this.

Immortals (Nov. 11): It’s been a while since I’ve seen a great epic battlefield movie. Could this be it?

The Descendents (Nov. 18): After Sideways, I’ll watch pretty much anything by this director.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Dec. 21): Ditto for David Fincher (Fight Club, Se7en, The Social Network)

Mission: Impossible–Ghost Protocol (Dec. 21): The brilliant Brad Bird (The Iron Giant, The Incredibles) makes the jump to live action? I’m there.

What are you looking forward to?

I had to Google "Top Gun locker room" to find this. The sacrifices I make for this blog...

Take a second to think about your last face-to-face interaction with a human being. How far away was your face from their face? Five feet? Seven feet?

If you lived in the movies, your face would have been less than a foot from your conversation partner. If it was a heated discussion, your noses may have touched.

See the difference between reality and the movies?

Granted, filmmakers have a tight frame to work with. This heated discussion between Iceman and Maverick wouldn’t be nearly as erotic if they were across the room from one another. But surely there’s a happy medium?

Believe it or not, I starred in a movie during my year abroad in Japan. Granted, it was a student film, and I am a terrible–terrible–actor, especially while speaking Japanese. But I actually was the star.

There was one fight scene where I had to duel with a karate master to prove my love to a beautiful alien woman. The scene started with the karate master and I glaring at each other face-to-face before the duel.

Seriously, we must have done 30 takes of a 5-second staredown. I could not keep a straight face. Because people simply never get that close to other people’s faces unless you’re about to make out! And yet we accept this as normal in movies and TV shows every day.

Finally we got a decent take, and I proceeded to throw the karate master into the arms of my trusty ninjas (they weren’t even in the movie–I simply had ninjas follow me around on a daily basis). But the experience left me with a newfound respect for actors. How they violate each other’s personal space on a daily basis, I do not know.

But before I get there, let’s talk about Garden State and She’s Out of My League and any movie where the protagonist makes a last-second dash to the airport to tell the girl he loves her.

First, cell phones? Sure, it’s better to do it face-to-face, but why are you so important that you’re going to stop everything that’s going on in her life just to tell you about a feeling that is probably lust, not love? Just call her and save everyone a lot of time and trouble, including everyone else on the plane. I want to see a movie about all the people that impulsive lovers inconvenience.

Second, just wait until she gets off the plane and work out a way to see her! Are plane rides in movies significantly longer than in real life? Just take a nap and when you wake up, she’ll be back on the ground.

Third, you look like a douche when you invalidate her plane ticket. Don’t make some big show to make her get off the plane. Sure, it makes for a romantic kiss. But you just cost her hundreds of dollars, because now she has to buy another ticket? At the very best, she wastes a perfectly good ticket that she could reschedule if you had the balls to tell her your feelings two hours ago.

Now, Friends. Specifically, the Friends finale.

Disclaimer: I was rooting for Rachel and Joey. Now that would have been a finale.

My heart swelled like everyone else’s when (spoiler alert!) Rachel didn’t get on the plane to Paris and instead returned to be with Ross. Yay! But do you know how much a flight to Paris costs? And it’s friggin’ Paris–couldn’t she have called Ross before getting on the plane, gone to Paris…in fact, he could have even joined her in Paris a day later.

My point is, this never happens in real life. I think movies and television perpetuate the belief that love has to be impulsive and crazy. Can’t love be powerful and passionate…and logical? Can’t we still make the correct decision to get on the plane or not stop the plane AND be in love at the same time? Or does this approach doom me to a life of cats and family meals at Popeyes for one?

This happens in movies all the time. The most recent example I can think of (although I’m sure there are others) is in Wedding Crashers. Why did Owen Wilson wait until Rachel McAdams’ wedding day to tell her he loved her?

Now, I understand that we inherently work best with the pressure of deadlines. But if the guy has found it so difficult to profess his love in ample one-on-one opportunities with the woman, why can he suddenly do it in front of hundreds of strangers? Wouldn’t it make much more sense to talk to the bride in private close to the wedding day?

The wedding profession of love has become one of those scenes that only exists in movies. And yes, it has probably happened once or twice in real life too…out of billions of weddings. And yet out of mere thousands of movie weddings, it probably happens 15-20% of the time.

Somewhat related, I watched the episodes of The Office tonight where (spoiler alert from 2009!) Jim and Pam get married. It still makes me teary-smile when Jim says, “The boat was actually plan C. The church was plan B. And plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago.”

Perhaps it’s cheesy and somewhat manufactured, but watching Jim and Pam on The Office makes me believe that I can find love like that too, that I’ll know it when I’ll see it, and I’ll be strong enough to do something about it.

Kudos to Katie for sending today’s contrivance idea to me. If you have one, e-mail me at jamey.stegmaier@gmail.com.