Obama told reporters that he was “shocked, humble, and inspired” by himself.

In addition to the Peace prize, Obama will receive Nobel prizes in Economics, Medicine, and Chemistry.

“I didn’t even know they had one for chemistry,” he said in his acceptance speech.

The president of the Nobel committee, Thorbjorn Jagland (his real name), said that the decision to award Obama with an unprecedented four prizes came without debate.

“We knew when we made nominations last September that Obama was our guy,” Jagland said. “And I don’t mean this past September, like two weeks ago. I mean a year ago, before he was president, right after Hillary decided to drop out of the race and before Palin started talking all sorts of crazy.”

“In fact, we almost made up a new award just to give to O-Dawg.”

When asked what he would do with the awards, Obama shrugged and said, “I don’t know. Although it’s probably time that I actually do something.”

Copyright 2009 The Ass Press.

“We test out many different products in an effort to diversify the Google brand,” said spokesperson Linda Antello. “This is one experiment that just didn’t work out.”

Google has offered its mail service since 2004 and, until yesterday, had millions of users worldwide. The company will start phasing out customers based on birthdate, starting with its older users, “because they probably wouldn’t be using it much longer anyway,” Antello said.

Gmail is the latest in a long string of Google Apps to get the axe. In the last 6 months alone, Google has discontinued Google Video, Google Stationary, Google SportsNow, Google KittenFoto, Google Peaches, and Google Bugle.

“Our research indicates that there are many alternative e-mail services out there,” said Antello. “In this economy, sometimes you have to acknowledge that you’re losing money fighting for your slice of the pie.”

“I think Facebook e-mail works pretty well,” she added.

Copyright 2009 The Ass Press.

“Today we tip our hats to Louis Joliet and Jacques Marquette, discovers of this great land. Merci!”, said the mayor on Monday, citing Wikipedia as his primary source.

Aside from the appeal of being labeled the “Europe of the Midwest,” Slay stated economic motivations behind the move.

“Obviously we’ll be using the Euro from now on,” he said at the press conference. “This will have an immediate positive impact on the St. Louis economy, all the way from the rue de 270 beltway to the rue de Martin Luther King Boulevard.”

He went on applaud the strength of the Euro, which is currently trading at $1.39:1.

“For a $3 tank of gas, now you’ll only have to pay 1 Euro for a full liter!” proclaimed Slay.

All speed limits will switch over to kilometers per hour by the end of June. Some of the infrastructural changes have been in effect for months, such as the switch from traffic lights to traffic circles in Forest Park, the recent proliferation of crepe restaurants and gelaterias, and the mandatory garbage strike held over Memorial Day weekend.

When asked how the city would enforce the new pronunciation rules, which require St. Louisans to say all street names with a French accent (see pronuciation guide, bottom), Slay shrugged. “You either say ‘San Louie’ or you get deported to the French penal colony.”

“Canada,” he clarified.

Slay added that St. Louis would indeed switch over to a city-sponsored healthcare program, but that he’d need to “queue [his] Netflix for that Michael Moore movie” to learn more about how it works.

Copyright 2009, The Ass Press. Note that I have nothing at all against Slay–I just wanted to use the real mayor’s name for this fake article.

Pronunciation Guide

Albert Pujols (al-burt poo-holes) –> al-bear poo-yo

Bon Secours (bahn seh-koo-ers) –> boh seh-koo

Carondolet (ka-ron-doh-let) –> ka-ron-doh-lay

Creve Coeur (kreev coor) –> krehv koo-lay

De Baliviere Ave (duh-bah-li-ver) –> day-bah-li-vay

Imo’s Pizza (ee-mohz pee-tza) –> ee-moh pee-sah

toasted ravioli (toh-sted reh-vee-oh-lee) –> toh-stay reh-vee-oh-lay

The hospital, referred to as Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center (MSKCC) in medical journals, is starting a 3-year campaign that promotes health and beauty.

“Sloan has the ideal look for portraying our new image,” said board chairman Douglas A. Warner III. “She’s young, she’s healthy–she projects success.”

The institute prides itself on connecting physicians with researchers on a daily basis, “not unlike how Sloan connected with that blonde girl in the threesome episode,” explained Warner.

On the show, Sloan is the daughter of a wealthy owner of a talent agency. In her first appearance, she flirts briefly with movie star Vincent Chase, but ultimately reveals that her interests lie in the diminutive Eric, or “E.”

“We think Sloan will show our children that they can choose practical approaches to healing themselves–the “E’s” of medicine, if you will–over flashy, risky, untested procedures,” said Center president Harold Varmus. “We believe that she will inspire good decisions.”

When asked for comment, Sloan replied, “You guys know that my real name is Emmanuelle, right?” She followed her remarks with, “Why is my face on that banner?”

Copyright 2009 The Ass Press.

The 7’3″ basketball star, after leading his team to the NCAA men’s semifinals, decided to forgo a career in the NBA and instead play his childhood sport professionally in the U.S.

“Where will I be drafted? 140th? 179th? You don’t really know until draft day,” Thabeet said to reporters today.

The junior was projected as a top 3 pick in the NBA draft.

UConn coach Jim Calhoun called Thabeet “one of the most dominating centers in the history of college basketball,” referring to his prolific rebounding and shot blocking. But, he added, “I’m sure he’ll be a good bench warmer in the MLS.”

Lottery picks in the NBA draft average starting salaries of $20-23 million (about $5 million a year). In the struggling American soccer league, the top players make around $2 million per annum.

“I’m not in it for the money,” said Thabeet. “I’m in it for the high injury risk and low rate of return.”

Thabeet has not played soccer since he was in elementary school in Tanzania, when he was 2 feet shorter than he is now. But he’s not worried about losing his skills.

“I’m sure it’s just like riding a samjyug,” he said, referring to the Tanzanian word for “giant centipede.” “It’ll come back to me.”

Red Cross Marketing Director Pamela Pherson and Summit Entertainment’s Nicholas Trelp inked a 3-year deal that will tie at least two Twilight movie sequels to the non-profit.

“We’re confident that this move will booster blood donations and anemia awareness across the spectrum,” said Pherson.

Part of the motivation behind the partnership was Twilight’s emphasis on chaste seduction.

“We want to put the ‘sexy’ back into giving blood,” Pherson said. “[Twilight star] Robert Pattinson has made vampires sexy again. We feel our brands are aligning at the right time.”

Trelp indicated that the Red Cross would help take Twilight to the next level.

“Currently our market share is dominated by pre-teen girls longing to meet the vampire of their dreams,” he said. “If we could tap into the Red Cross’s core users–people with anemia, hemophilia, or victims of blood-loss–we could increase DVD sales alone by 15%.”

Pherson waived concerns that diehard Twilight fans would go to blood drives and ask for blood to be drawn from their neck instead of the normal location, the upper forearm.

“We get odd requests all the time,” she said. “Our nurses have strict instructions on what they can or cannot do. But if someone wants a token band-aid on their jugular, it’s not a problem. One pint of blood can save an anemic’s life.”

“That’s something we can sink our teeth into.”

Copyright 2009 The Ass Press.

See also:

Watched Pot Boils in Area Home