Pet Please #60: Unexpected Free Things
Today I ran over to The Cup for some cupcakes after work. I was worried about parking as I pulled into Maryland Plaza, but then pleasantly surprised to find a yellow-zone parking spot right in front of the building. I figured I’d jump inside, order some cupcakes, and be back within a few minutes. But [...]
Pet Please #59: Out-Typing Autofill
There is a classic episode of The Office in which Dwight attempts to outsell the newly launched Dunder-Mifflin website. It’s a back-and-forth contest that lasts the entire workday, and at the end of the day, Dwight dies with a hammer in his hand (wait, I might have just confused that with the legend of John [...]
Pet Please #58: Holding Hands for the First Time
I don’t get nervous for first dates anymore. It just doesn’t happen. Most of the time I get excited to meet someone new, but nervous? Nah. I simply follow my own recommendations for a good first date and do it. However, there is one key area of dating for which I still get nervous. And [...]
Pet Please #57: Tandem Bikes
For the longest time, seeing someone ride a Segway made me immensely happy. And it still does. But I’ve realized that the true pinnacle of happiness when it comes to wheeled transport is the tandem bike. It’s some miracle of invention that tandem bikes even exist. Just like the miracle of life on Earth, rising [...]
Pet Please #56: Reading a Book in the Midst of Everything
When you were younger, did you ever find yourself so wrapped up in a book that the rest of the world melted away? Maybe that happens to you as an adult too, but I feel like we read in socially acceptable places now, even in public: coffee shops, the park, cafes. When I was younger, [...]
Pet Please #54: Heavy Light Lifting
The full Pet Please #54 is: When you help someone lift something heavy, and you get the light end, but they don’t know it. This is the best for several reasons: You get to look really tough and strong even though you only have glamour muscles, and tiny ones at that. You don’t have to exert [...]
Pet Please #53: Microwaves
Specifically, this: You put a plate of leftovers–let’s say rice and salmon–into the microwave. Then you have what is really a very minor choice: How long do you wish to cook this food? There’s no real difference between 1 minute or 1:11 or 1:23, and yet we carefully choose our cook time to the very [...]
Pet Please #52: When a Single Kick Fixes a Machine
Today was a rough day for my facility. The washing machine was leaking. A wall was dripping wet. A bathtub was losing water. The copier broke. Several recently installed electrical outlets were discovered to be in the wrong place. The sound system repair guy didn’t show up on schedule. The roof needs repairs. An old [...]
Pet Please #51: Playing a Sport Immediately After Watching That Sport on TV
One of my favorite things is watching a professional sport on TV and then playing that sport immediately afterwards. I do this when I play soccer on the weekends–I watch a few minutes of a game, get hyped up about playing, and then go out onto the field and think I’m Ronaldo. Part of the [...]
Pet Please #50: The USA Chant
I’m a sucker for crowds of people chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!” This is not meant to be a reflection on my patriotism. I think there are lots of great things about America, but also a lot of disappointing things. The USA chant transcends those criticisms. The other night, I read that the news of Bin Laden’s [...]
Pet Please #49: Eating Fruit Like an Animal
I’m generally a tidy, meticulous eater. I overuse my napkin. I take forever to finish a plate. I’ve overly conscious about talking with my mouth full or getting food in my teeth. I greatly prefer food I can cut into bite-size pieces instead of messy finger foods since I’m constantly worried that my face is [...]
Pet Please #48: Eyelashes
This pet please is in the same vein as #13: Finding Your Chapstick, in that it’s a bad situation that turns out fine. I don’t know if this happens to other people, but my eyelashes fall into my eyes all the time. I don’t wear contacts, so the eyelashes land directly on my eye. I [...]
Pet Please #47: Finishing a Bottle of Chocolate Syrup
When I was a kid, chocolate milk was a treat. I’d come home from school, get some pretzels out of the cupboard, and sit down with a glass of cold, delicious chocolate milk. Or Ovaltine. We went through an Ovaltine phase. Now, as a mature, full-size, adult man, I have a big glass of chocolate [...]
Pet Please #46: Broken Parking Meters
You’re late for happy hour. You know your friends are waiting. You see a parking spot not far from the bar. You parallel park like a pro. You reach for some coins for the parking meter… …and it’s empty. Great, just great. You could be sipping a fuzzy navel right now, but instead, you have [...]
Pet Please #45: Things That Pay for Themselves
When I was growing up, a popular thing for kids to have during the summer was a season pass to Busch Gardens or Kings Dominion. Of course, I was afraid of roller coasters until the ripe old age of 17, so I never had one of those season passes. But other kids had them. Whenever [...]
Pet Please #45: The Perfect Ply
Do you remember your first time? I sure do. It happened a few days after I moved into my first apartment. The mood was right, and I knew it was time. Mind you, I had experimented before. I mean, didn’t we all dabble a bit in college? And even moreso after I had a little [...]
Pet Please #44: Women’s Retro Soccer Shorts
The weather has been beautiful in St. Louis the past few days, and as a result, a multitude of joggers have found their way to Forest Park. As always, some female joggers catch my eye, and I’ve noticed a pattern: My eyes linger on women wearing retro soccer shorts. I’ve been trying to figure out [...]
Pet Pleases 41-43
41. When you find a homemade chocolate chip cookie that is more chocolate than cookie. 42. When you preorder a book on Kindle and forget you preordered it until you get the e-mail telling you that you have the book right next to you right now! 43. When the dentist compliments you on your “home [...]
Pet Please #40: No Salvation Army
Yesterday I was about to walk out of the grocery store when I felt myself tensing up. Here we go, I thought. Time to avoid eye contact with the Salvation Army guy. Then I walked outside, and the space outside of the store was empty. No red bucket. No bell. No guy. He’s done for [...]
5 Odd Things for Which I’m Thankful
Here are a few odd things that I’m thankful for today: Rainy days. I actually can’t stand rainy days, but every rainy day comes with a free exterior car wash. That makes me happy. Evolution. Can you imagine where we’d be without evolution? We’d still be amino acids floating around in primal sludge! Take a [...]
Pet Please #33: Odometer Benchmarks
The other day I happened to glance down at my Camry’s odometer when it flipped to 110,000. I was delighted. It’s like I got to witness some rare, important event, like a comet that only swings by Earth once. And really, these odometer benchmarks are completely arbitrary (unless your warrantee runs out). It’s like New Year’s–flipping the [...]
Pet Please #32: The Solo Grocery Hike
You’ve had a long day at work. You forgot your shopping list, so you wandered around the grocery for what felt like hours until you had what you needed. Then the cashier hands you these pink grocery bags that support breast cancer…how? By making a fortune for artificial pink dye companies? You drag your three-wheeled [...]
Pet Please #31: Deliveries in Bed
When I was little, I often asked my parents for a drink of water after they had tucked me into bed. It was the best. It’s not like it was even that hard for me to get out of bed to get the drink of water. But there’s something wonderful about staying snug and comfy [...]
