My Greatest Fear

I’ll be honest—I’m a wimp. I’m scared of pretty much everything. I’m afraid of being mugged. I’m paranoid about spiders nesting under my skin while I sleep. I’m constantly worried I have food in my front teeth. When driving in certain parts of town, I seriously think that I’m going to be carjacked while I’m waiting at red lights.

But nothing scares me more than potato eyes.

I had my first contact with these insipid creatures while living at my old apartment. My roommate had bought some potatoes and forgotten about them, so one day I reached into the back of the pantry and was about to pull them out…when I realized that the potatoes were reaching back at me.

This freaked me out. I had never seen this before, and I refused to touch them. My roommate later threw them away, proclaiming that it wasn’t a big deal. But it was a big deal. What kind of a vegetable wants to grow arms and pluck you from the ground? That’s just creepy.

You may think I’m blowing this out of proportion, but mark my words. One day you’re going to turn on CNN to see a fully-grown potato with all sorts of limbs sprouting from his rotund body. Handcuffs around two of his “eyes,” smoking a cigarette with another one, he’ll be asked by a reporter why he forced his human roommate into the microwave and turned it on high.

“It was either him or me,” the spud will respond. “No skin off my back.”

(Potatoes are quick with a pun.)

Along the same lines of potato eyes is mold. Mold really freaks me out, particularly when I’m about to eat something that’s moldy (cheese, sour cream, salsa, bread, etc.) or have just eaten something moldy. It’s just that mold looks so otherworldly. Check out this fine delicacy that was extracted from my old company’s fridge a month ago:

Does that look like it was born and bred on American soil? Hell no. It looks like it oozed out of an asteroid crater and immediately mimicked its first sight on earth, a grassy knoll. This thing is seriously intelligent—look how those tendrils creeped out from under the impenetrable Rubbermaid seal in search of unsuspecting victims! We couldn’t even figure out what kind of food was in the container before the mold set in.

So there you have it, my two greatest fears: Potato eyes and mold. They will be my undoing.


There Will Be Popcorn