My "Stuff White People Like" Contest Entry

Recently, one of the funniest blogs out there, Stuff White People Like (essentially a handbook to understanding white people), had a contest open to anyone who wanted to write an entry about stuff white people like. I didn’t win the contest, so I’ve posted my entry below.

Adoption of Non-White People

One thing prized by white people is racial diversity. White people go to great lengths to make sure every aspect of their life appears racially diverse—education, shopping, friends, entertainment. White people take great pride in the simple accomplishment of eating food from a traditionally non-white restaurant. Steering one’s Prius into a Popeyes drive-thru is one of the primary ways that white people contribute to the black community.

However, in the late 1970s, white people realized they weren’t doing enough to promote racial diversity in their lives. The free-trade balsa carvings from South America weren’t cutting it—they needed to exponentially decrease the amount of whiteness in their homes. So they looked to China, where there is an abundance of non-white people. Across the Pacific Ocean they locked eyes with the greatest symbol of racial diversity and wealth: Cute Asian Babies.

While walking through any farmers market, you’ll see cheery white couples guiding Cute Asian Babies around stacks of local carrots and mounds of organic cantaloupes. These non-white children are the pride and joy of white couples, as they are living proof that the couple supports racial diversity.

If you have the opportunity to speak to a white couple with an adopted Asian child, don’t ask about the origin of the child, much less mention that the child isn’t white. It’s an unspoken rule among white people that Cute Asian Babies are to be considered the same as biological child of the couple, as if the white mother’s womb was so racially conscious that it produced an Asian child. By saying nothing that draws attention toward the child’s non-whiteness, you will give the white couple the satisfaction of knowing that they are more racially diverse than you.

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