Extreme Makeover: Under Armour Edition

Under Armour is unstoppable. Not only does it adhere to the human form like the alien symbiote in the black Spider-man suit, but it’s slyly spelled with a “u,” which deceivingly makes one think it’s origins are British, and thus weak (see Risk; Revolutionary War; tooth decay; cooking)…however, it’s actually headquartered in Baltimore, a bastion of strength (see Ace of Cakes; Wikipedia entry for “Plug Uglies”).

There is no way to prepare for Under Armour.

Trevor couldn’t have said the above assessment better. There is no way to prepare for Under Armour. It is simply an unstoppable force to be reckoned with.

I’ve been obsessed with the idea of Under Armour for quite some time now. The idea that a slight, unmuscular man such as myself could slip on a skin-tight shirt and suddenly be huge and buff. Or at least appear that way. The idea is extremely appealing.

I’m was the kind of kid who was fully convinced that a new pair of sneakers could make me run faster or jump higher (I did a lot of vertical jumping in shoe stores to test the wares). I’m equally convinced of Under Armour’s effect on me. I seriously believe it will cut down wind resistance and make me faster, harder to tag in touch football. Not unlike those shark suits that swimmers wore in the Olympics.

After pining for Under Armour for quite some time, I finally bought a shirt. The effect was amazing. Just so you can visualize this, here’s what I looked like pre-Under Armour (PUA):

Here’s what I look like post-Under Armour (also PUA, unfortunately. Acronyms are tough): 

Look at how much buffer I look! The shirt can barely contain my muscles! I also look fearless and hard-core. That’s the effect that Under Armour has on a man.

(The negative side effect of Under Armour that I’m seeing is that it prevents a man from distinguishing between “affect” and “effect.” Seriously, fifteen minutes ago I knew the difference with my eyes closed. Now this Under Armour is cutting off circulation to my head, erasing any previous understanding of those two words. They really should be combined into “æffect”; one simple word that can be used in any situation.)

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